LOL! Yes, there is definitely some tough love tossed around here. But it works for me. I like things direct. I'm on the downward slide of life and would prefer to not waste time trying to figure out what someone is trying to say because they've buffered it with so much BS it gets lost in the translation. But I definitely get where you're coming from.
If S12 wasn't in the picture, I would be gone. I would move into a small place, probably a condo, with minimal furnishings, minimal upkeep. I don't think I would want a roommate (no point trading one for another, right?) I don't envision a man in my life either. If so, it would be strictly dating -- no M, no living together. I would go back to working full-time, but it would be outside of the house again, hopefully where I got to do a lot of travel. I would sign up for group trips, like with the ski club and biking club. I would commit to some volunteer groups and other activities, because my time and money would be my own. I would have a special area just for reading, probably outside on the patio or deck, with a few pots of flowers and maybe a little water fountain, though I would prefer it be away from home so it was someone else's responsibility to maintain. I could go on. I've thought about this a lot. It's my plan for after S12 is off on his own. But does that answer your question?
I had a number of issues that attracted the two of us. First, I was a rescuer. (I think he's a narcissist, so it's a perfect combo.) He was a single man struggling with taking care of 4 children half-time. He was struggling financially and organizationally, cooking, cleaning, etc. All areas where I could step in and be helpful! I thought he would be grateful and reciprocate. You know, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours? Fooled me! Our early years were filled with my giving everything and getting nothing in return. I learned resentment for my role as his W, for being in his life. Though the problems started pretty early on, I simply attributed it to the need for both of us to learn how to be M'd to each other, and that it would take a little time to adjust. And also to the inherent complexities of a blended family. When issues would occur, H always claimed "stupidity," seemed contrite and promised to never do it again. I believed him. I was too trusting. When he would do something again, it wouldn't be exactly like the previous incident, and he claimed he simply didn't connect the dots between the two, claiming stupidity again. How do you hate someone for being intellectually incapable? Well I've since witnessed enough to recognize that his stupidity is very selective. But by the time I got there, S12 was already in the picture. And I also witnessed enough with H's ex that I just don't care to go there while S12 is still a minor. In any case, I've spent a lot of time working on changing myself, and I have made much progress in those initial problem areas.
At this point, while S12 IS still in the picture, I wouldn't change much of my personal life. I'm working little now, so H is responsible for the finances for a change. I get to be home for S12 and finish my degree. I've been able to focus on some of my own interests, though my schedule is still driven by much of S12's activities. And I don't get to go on group trips because they're generally primarily singles, and I'm not. Plus I'd rather do things with S12 right now. He's all for biking, skiing, etc. It's just that it's twice as expensive with him, and he has to go to school, and he has other activities, etc. so that cuts into the plans a bit.
I completely get the LBS vs. WAS debate. I've had people take issue with it before. I guess I just stick with the WAS label because H claims wholeheartedly that he wants to remain M'd. He'll tell you he would do anything, promises the world. I suspect you get some of that with your H's drinking. I just don't believe it anymore. All talk and no action. And since I'm pretty much done trying and looking toward my future without him, I figure that makes me the WAS, even if it's in the future. Also, you are definitely doing more in your sitch than I am. Most of what I do, I do because of S12, like cooking and cleaning. H does his own laundry, cooks for himself if S12 isn't here, and he's paying the bills now (I did previously.)
I'm curious, what is your reason for staying? Or do you know?
