Hi Veroprado, thanks for your reply... to answer your qs:
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What did you used to do before BD after an argument? How are you changing that old pattern?
Before BD I / he used to take space from me up on the deck or something, and I would pursue and chase him down, and try to be heard. I've done a complete 180 on that, but I'm not where I want to be yet. Now, if we have an argument, I leave him alone. I never chase him anymore after an argument. I also don't go on and on ad nauseum, as much as I'd like to! Also, if things start getting heated and he's being unreasonable and angry, I'll just say "You're probably right". And he calms down.
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I noticed you give each other space after this argument and don't discuss the topic at all after. Is this the usual pattern for your arguments? If so, what can you do different? What did he say that you are willing to accept/admit?
The only reason I don't discuss things with him after, is because he's almost always unapproachable much of the time to anything other than pleasantries or anything resembling "two close friends hanging out". If I even hint that I want to discuss something, it usually ends in a fight these days. So while our usual pattern would be that we both get heated and raise our voices, he says something really hurtful to get me to stop talking, and I defend my position and keep talking - now I just try to say my piece calmly, or if I'm getting too upset, drop it and do something else until I'm calm.
What he said that I'm willing to admit is my part in our previous arguments...in the past, I haven't let things go, I've stayed angry and I've thrown his A in his face (he didn't say this, but I have, and now have ceased talking about it). I also keep talking when he tells me to stop. For me it's not so much him asking, it's the way he says it. When he's mad, he'll tell me to shut up or something similar.
I don't tell all my friends the details...some know some things, and some only know that he's going through something. I don't want it biting me back later!
