BREATHE. You aren't going to die of this even though that's the reaction your body and emotions are having right now. Be mindful of that. Talk to yourself. It helps.
Do they ever realize it wasn't all our fault??? Hahahaha, yep. Many of them do. The statistics about the regret of divorce are overwhelming. In my own switch, I cannot BEGIN to explain to you the things I was blamed for. I mean, if it was raining, it was my fault. My H came back and man, I'm the best thing that ever walked the earth. I mean I am stunningly beautiful, outrageously smart, incredibly compassionate... I mean I am about as perfect as they come... hhaahahahaha. Stark contrast from when he left. And still nowhere near reality. So I caution anyone and everyone here, while we are meant to hear them and work on ourselves, there has to be balance to that. Because of the guilt and the need for justification, the problems are presented a bit out of proportion. Does that make you a bad person? Good God, no. Turn to your kids for that answer. They seem to adore you.
We are all in our own little fog when this stuff goes down. We all talk about the fog of the WAS, but as the LBS, we are also in a fog. Our happy little lives before they left and the perfection of our unions are elevated far beyond reality. We are all disillusioned, but in differing ways. And even with that. IT DOES NOT MATTER. All the rationalizations in the world are not going to change your H right now.
SB, you NEED to take care of yourself. You NEED to stop trying to force him to face himself. The ONLY thing that will force him to do that is himself. Trying to do that for him will only stall the process. You need not beat yourself up. You need not even beat yourself up because you "broke DB rules." Happens to every one of us.
Yes, this process definitely affects self esteem. And you have to find your own way to gain it back. The list of things 25 accomplished was amazing. For me? I took up kickboxing (clearly not an option for you), learned to scrapbook, took some trips with new friends, etc... Those things are the ONLY thing that will restore your self esteem. Take it from me. My H came back. Didn't do a single thing to help my self esteem issues... doing those other things? That is what helped it.
I feel so much compassion for you right now, SB, you have no idea. Keep talking. I'm praying for you.
