I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[Sweetbriar]

Time for a new thread...my other got locked. Thanks to Ad and LIS for your helpful advice last night. The pain carried over to today and I didnt sleep hardly at all last night. Was up thinking about my life, my kids, my H and my situation. Basically doing a woe is me all night long. When I did get up this morning, I felt awful and still do. Been crying almost all day...only able to pull it together long enough to work my 4 hours:( Not sure what has gotten into me...its not like me to act like this.

So, this morning, I do something that I knew I shouldnt..and I texted H. Asked him why he has chosen this path for our family. H acted like he didnt know what path I was talking about and when I told him, he proceeded to say lots of mean things to me. Even after 5 months, he is still blaming me for all of this. Here are some things he said to me:

*I didnt think it was important to treat him good when he was with me and I have gone out of my way to kill him...its working.

*He is miserable

*leaving me was necessary

*the whole world, most importantly his kids, think Im a saint and a victim and he is a selfish monster who left his pregnant wife, unprevoked

*That something was wrong with me if I couldnt see he was miserable for the past 16 years

*He wants to get the f**k outta here..the pain is killing him...the baby, like a knife in his gut everytime he thinks about him

*he can never forgive me or love me..sorry

*there is too much ugliness to R...cant really deal with my family..too much pain and sadness

*gotta go work to support all of us (me and the kids)

*interesting..all the years we were together and he never felt love from me..and that I will make that his fault too

*His uncle has made him a great offer in AZ and he thinks he needs to take it...nobody here loves him and that fact is too painful for him to live so close

So, of course, after all this and a bit more I was very sad.. He hasn't changed at all in the 5 months he has been gone. He was OWs last night and there this morning too (he confirmed) so I guess he believes that his happiness lies within her. He doesnt believe that we can make it and get through this together with our family intact. He believes that his life with me is awful and IT WASNT. I just cannot take this anymore.

I know I was asking for trouble when I texted him...but he has been pretty decent lately when we have had contact. It is very hard for me to see that he doesnt see that we need to be a family again. How can he talk about the baby, like he has tried to be a part of him? How can he still continue to blame me? He knows that he probably looks bad in peoples eyes for what he has created and instead of making it better he wants to still blame me and threaten to run away to AZ and start over.

How can he just stop caring? Just turn off all feelings? Is is because he has OW to care about now? And he says he is miserable...but he wont come home to where he may find some happiness.

I didnt realize until today how badly he has really hurt me when it comes to my self esteem. I feel so awful about myself that this woman is better than I and worth more to him than me. I gave my life up for him and my kids. All he can see is misery in our marriage..he has forgotten all of the good and happy times. Him meeting this OW has changed everything in our lives. I think that me thinking that it will never last with her kept my hope alive...but now I see that it may last...and he may stay with her for a long time. Its hard accepting that. Its hard accepting that my kids and I will live a different life forever because he was so selfish. Its hard to accept that this is my loving H.

I worried about my girls...I dont want to damage them by me crying..and tonight we were all crying. They are sad that he told them he may move to AZ...and I keep telling them not to worry that its not set in stone..but my oldest says that even the fact that he considered it and mentioned it to them means he doesnt care. I just tried to comfort them but it brings tears to me to see them cry.

I dont think that my H will ever have remorse for what he has done. Does is really happen that some H's have remorse after they are so adament that nothing is their fault? Its hard to imagine if it does happen....its hard to imagine that this is my new life. I went from being a happy, strong, woman to a woman who is falling apart at the seams.

I hate that this has happened to me and so many of us on this board...and I hate that Im not stronger like AS or Ad or others who have been able to move on and do well for themselves. I do think that when there is OW or OM in the picture, it makes it harder though..the R is harder to achieve in my opinion.

Thanks for listening to me ramble...I just dont know which way to turn anymore..I feel so lost in this mess. H has really left me heartbroken and sad...and he doesnt even care.