I think you're off moderation already. Thanks for posting on my thread. I thought I would visit yours.
Your sitch has been stagnant for a while. DBing is about doing something different. Next time he says he's going to stop by, say you're busy and offer another option. GALing is important even if you don't feel like doing it. I also feel sad when I see the so-called "happy couples" but you don't know their story. Anyone who had spotted me and my H during our most recent outings (past few weeks) would've thought we were really happy, but he filed for D and is not changing his mind. So you never know...
I do disappear without telling him sometimes,so I'm not always available I went to another city nye and stayed a couple of nights, haven't heard from him for a few days,don't know if he stopped when I was gone or not. It was relaxing not being home and wondering when or if he was stopping by.
H came for supper. Stunned by h lack of emotion ! Just don't get it!
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h came for Christmas dinner at our daughters,then they all came to my place to open gifts here. H stayed awhile after everyone left ,then he left.he phoned a little while later to see if he could come back for a hot toddy because we didn't have our Christmas drink together.
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He came back for coffee and breakfast this morning. I still don't understand why he won't come back here to live.
Read my post to you again, here it is:
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You mentioned he moved out 14 months ago, that's a long time. I'm assuming you've been doing more or less the same thing in that time and nothing has changed. Per DR you have to take stock of your progress now and then, and if there isn't any progress then change something up. If you're tired of being friends then it might be time to tell H you don't want him dropping by unannounced anymore. A lot of the old timers here will tell you that your spouse needs to learn to miss you before they'll think about returning, but if you see them all the time they never learn to miss you. If H can drop by whenever he wants and comes by frequently for breakfast, then he won't miss you because he knows you're always available. Think about changing that up.
You are engaging in "more of the same" behavior. You keep doing the same thing over and over again and are expecting different results. Do you want to save your M? Then QUIT doing more of the same!!! Read DR, read Sandi's DB tips at the top of the forum, make changes and make them now!! Do something different and monitor the results! Quit feeling sorry for yourself and swing into action!
Got over Christmas good but struggled with New Years. I invited H for supper and he turned me down, so I packed up and left for a couple of days. Not sure if he came while I was gone or not but he has not been here for over a week. I saw him at grandsons hockey game yesterday and talked a bit but that was the only time since New Years eve day that we have talked. He used to come over every day for coffee and breakfast and have'nt heard boo from him on that either. I'm missing him more now because I don't know what is going on and really struggling not to call or text him . I know NC is supposed to be a good thing but having a really hard time with that right now. I keep really busy and am really trying to be grateful for what I have and not be concerned with what I don't have.I just want to lock myself in my room and cry but I have too many committments to do that. Help !!!
Hi S&A. Have just been reading your sitch. What the others have said is really important to the DB process. 50 years is a long time..so many memories. There may be some depression going on with you as this would be a major trauma in your life. If you are really having trouble getting motivated you may need a trip to the Dr for some meds. Take any help that you can to get you through this, especially at the beginning. It does get easier, but its important to seek help if necessary. Keep GALing even though its really hard at times. You are lucky that you have many committments.. think of it as a blessing. Lean on others too if that helps. You have a wonderful family, they will support you and keep you occupied.
I would set the boundaries about your H visiting the house announced or unannounced as was recommended above. Try something different and monitor the progress. Good luck and look after yourself. Come here and vent..we all care.
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. Luckily the holidays are over, as these tend to put extra stressors on our sitchs.
You need to give yourself time. Time to heal. Time to allow yourself these feelings you are going through. It is not healthy to deny yourself the very feelings you are having. Having said that it doesn't mean to wallow day after day in self pity.
AS is right, you need to do something different. Get involved w friends and activities that make YOU happy. Use this time for self-reflection. Enjoy the small moments of joy each day. That's how I get through each day Thankful for the little things that I am blessed with in my life. You seem to have a lot of joys in your life.
Also, think about something new and different you have never done, but would like to try. This could be a chance for you to explore a side of yourself you didn't even know you had.
(((HUGS TO YOU)))
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I've never really had time to think about what I would like to do, my whole life I thought my purpose in life was to be a good wife and mother and now grandmother. I can't get any busier, my days are full and a lot of nights too. I'm in a lot of volunteer organizations and other activities that keep me very busy, but coming home to an empty house and bed is hard. I have a new home and don't want to spend any time here.I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I am . When I read a lot of the other sitchs I am lucky to be where I am. Thank you to all who respond, I need to be reminded and thanks for the hugs, I need that too!
I do disappear without telling him sometimes,so I'm not always available I went to another city nye and stayed a couple of nights, haven't heard from him for a few days,don't know if he stopped when I was gone or not. It was relaxing not being home and wondering when or if he was stopping by.
Why don't you always do it? Every time you catch yourself waiting for him, go out and do something you like. There is so much to do when you set your mind at it - gymnastics, pilates, hiking, pottery, book clubs, tennis, cooking class,skydiving - anything. Repaint your bedroom. Plant stuff around the garden.
When he shows up, either be gone or be busy. Don't just wait for him with breakfast... He is taking you for granted. Next time shows up, be busy doing something and rather than cater him, tell him "I don't have time for you right now. I am busy moving the grand piano closer to the window" or whatever. Maybe he will offer to help. If not, leave him standing there and when you are done, tell him "Now you need to leave. I have to go shopping". Be polite and positive, but don't talk to him. Don't act as if his arrivals are the highlights of your day.
