The only thing I have said to him is that his actions are pushing me way and that I feel like giving up. The fact that when he made the comment..." you don't believe me", I agreed with him...I don't, then said nothing more. I think it shocked him to be honest.
The only thing I have said to him is that his actions are pushing me way and that I feel like giving up. The fact that when he made the comment..." you don't believe me", I agreed with him...I don't, then said nothing more. I think it shocked him to be honest.
Again, actions speak louder than words. He needs to prove his committment to you, not tell you about it.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You are presenting to him reasons that he can argue with. For example, that he can still talk to OW because he's not leaving you. You can argue with him till you're blue in the face, and you will not make him agree that he's hurting your marriage and hurting you and being stupid.
Instead, make this about what you will accept. Right or wrong, he cannot argue with that. It is just what is. If he is accepting calls from her he is not in your marriage. If he is trying to be friends with her, he is not in your marriage. Stay dark until he proves through actions and time that he wants to be with you.
I hope you can see how the second is different - it is setting a boundary and enforcing it - from the first which is trying to get him to do something different.
You don't and can't control what he thinks feels or does, but you can control what you allow and what you are going to do about it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Update: Well, due to pressure by my 18 yr old son...not to give up, basically begged me not to give up, to go see his dad, I went. That was the only reason I did. Found out some interesting things...when I got to his hotel, ( H did not know I was coming), he was on the phone with the OW. She had called 5 minutes before I got there waking him up. ( I know because he was 1/2 alseep). I knocked on the door...and I could here him say "I don't know who is here", and " what part of 'I am not leavingmy wife and kids, do you not understand?". I came in the room, and sat while he spoke...saying I didn't know my wife was coming...I was sleeping."...and she freaked out...I want you to leave your wife, I want to be with you. I sat there, didn't say a word, remained composed...then she said." I want you to say you love me"...knowing I was there.He said.." you want me to tell you I love you...knowing Carole is here?" I said let me talk to her...nope..no can do. He got off the phone with her...saying I was sleeping, ( I knew that to be true..as he wasn't fully awake). I said..see.. I know what her game is...she is trying to break us up...and has been all along....between you and her...you guys are succeeding. He said...I have told you all along I am not leaving you...and she knows that. I said....so she called in the middle of the night, trying to convince you to? Here is proof in the pudding...when are you going to wake up. 5 minutes later, I got an email from her..on my Iphone..saying he was moving to where she was, that she knew the kids now knew, that she would take care of them, but not me...( as if), that she felt sorry for me..stuck where we lived..etc. So, I said to him...Is there something I need to know? are you moving to Prince Rupert..He said NO! I am going to work in camp...like I said..he was pretty upset at some of the things she wrote to me. said they were all lies...and refused to talk to her...I said if you are broken up...then you need to get rid of her..plain and simple...I will not be spoken to , emailed, texted...by her in any way shape or form.
he refused her calls/ texts..she went off the deep end...gonna hurt myself..etc etc... the next day she continued to spew garbage from him...and then I recieved an email from her mother...saying he was immoral, she was concerned about her grand daughter..making it all to be H fault...etc...showed him th at email...he continually showed me her texts...he was pretty upset...said she lied...all day, when we were with his co-worker for breakfast..they talked abotu being in camp...then he called his fav uncle...and told him he would be there..( I know he would not have said that he would be in camp in the same place with his uncle if it wasn't true). She wrote me another email saying we have to sort this out...she doesn't share well, he is your husband but my b/f...I asked H about that...he said he broke up with her... I said fix this [censored]..I am apprehensive and doubtful..but do you believe me know..I know the game she is playing...do you believe me now? Trying to split us up...and with her actions creating doubt and your actions with keeping in contact...that is why I want to give up? do you not see she is lunatic...thinking our children will accept her with open arms? They won't...I am doubtful..he has shown me the texts from her...from one extreme of going to call your boss let him know what is going on...damaging his rep to going to hurt you..(H) to going to hurt herself...(suicide). I told H have I am wary...he said he is keeping her texts in case she does try anything at his work then he has documentation. I am not there, while there he did show me what was written she got upset and said they were done...his comment was...I already told her that...don't know what she is thinking...I said obviously she doesn't think the same. Fix it!...so...anyone have thoughts on this...need opinions. Told him...it will be his actions that prove it to me...
I am not saying it all the OW fault...H has played a huge part...absolutely...just not sure what to believe or think...think he is gettig tired of her antics...and continuing threats...but am afraid the door will continually be opened. I said she is mentally unstable...and he agreed...thought she might be bi-polar. Who knows...he said he is not leaving ever...but don't need this [censored] in my life..don't want to be worried they will continue contact or that she will try something to harm him or her. I never responded to any of her emails...don't intend to. just dont' know what to think...help!
Carole, you really need to distance yourself from all this crazy drama. Don't get all wrapped up in the things OW says... refuse to even listen to any of it. Tell H what you need from him: To cut off all contact and be totally transparent with you. Block her number(s) change his email accounts, whatever it takes.
Stop trying to convince him to drop her. Just tell him what you need him to do and leave it up to him.
And you are right, only his actions count, his words mean nothing. Be tough now or prepare yourself for many more months of his EA.
If OW threatens suicide again it should be reported to 911. If she's serious then she needs professional help. If she's bluffing to get H to cave, (much more likely) then spending some time under observation may be just what she needs.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I agree completely, she is a mental case. I have refused contact with her st all, but will keep emails in case it is ever needed by the police. I told H what I needed and he has been forthcoming so far. Do have another question: how much information do I tell the kids when I am asked? They ask some pretty specific questions
I have a couple questions: 1. How much is too much information to our kids? D-24, S-22,S-18 and D-16. I found myself venting my anger and frustrations to the kids when they asked a question. I have since stopped that. I told them I would not lie to them if they ask a question but also would no longer volunteer any information. But how far do Zi go?
2. Found H lost his Job on this particular project last night. He told me he was laid off due to budget restrictions. The OW threatened to expose thier affair, as well as threatening suicide, not considering them broken up when he told me and his mids they were, and am finding myself doubting what is true and what isn't. The time frame fits if what she emailed me but H has always said and to his daughter he isn't leaving. Not sure what to think to be honest. The circumstances compared to previous jobs are way different. Even he commented on this. Thoughts and ideas?
3. The kids have been arguing amongst themselves, my oldest S wanted to contact the OW to give her a piece of his mind. I refused to give him info to contact her as did H. Reason being, thought it would do more damage. It would push them closer together. H said she was no longer an issue to his daughter, yet he has told me she contacted him with a work related question. So, my doubts are high. Told my S he is more then welcome to contact his Dad and ask him anything, but not the OW. Did I do the right thing?
4. I find myself doubting him a lot. Actions do speak louder then words, I know that, wish he would. At what point do I start believing him? He has always said he isn't going to leave me, but the OW emails and her mothers emails have me questioning him. Especially with the new development about his job. I do not know if it is due to budgets, perhaps they thought his work performance suffered, although that case never been the case before, whether the OW did what she threatened, or if she laid a formal comsint. No idea what the stays is until he calls me.
5. What is the difference between divorce busting, and divorce remedy. I have both books now and just started DR.. But I have so many doubts.. Not sure what to think anymore.
6. Why does he think I purposely told the kids about him and the OW on Christmas Eve? He thinks I did it on purpose. I told him his actions forced me too. But am sure he thinks I was vindictive. I realize he is shifting the blame on me.. Also told him if he hadn't started this affair in the first place, we wouldn't be here today. Now not only does he have to deal with me , but his kids, parents, and sister. Do all the cheaters think this way?
