Almost Over...

[adinva]

Yes, you've been dealt a cr*p hand. You have every right to be angry. Then what?

In my earliest angriest days the thing I appreciated most was a vet pointing out to me where I could work on myself and begin building my own life.

She's going to say things that you don't like. It's called script because many of us have heard exactly the same or similar things.

I found it really helpful to read other threads here when I was in the beginning of my sitch.

Also, you still sound like your emotions are tossing you around like waves on the ocean. You need to manage them better so you don't make poor choices and shoot yourself in the foot. Exercise, take exceptional care of yourself, consider anti-depressants. See a counselor. All of these things will help you put your brain back in charge.

[chatterbug]

Your wife's adultery is not your fault. It is her's and only her's.

Best to keep that in mind while you heal.

Get someone in the RW to keep an eye on you. No booze, no Drugs , if you have any weapons put them away in a place you cannot get at them. Then just refocus your goals on a hour by hour basis and go completely dark. No communicating no nothing. And stay like this until you can go 2 to 3 hours without thinking about it.

Then you can reply back. That you need some space.

That is how you give yourself the gift of some peace to refuel the jets. Get the brain thinking with reason and not reaction.

[Dewayne]

Adultery: Got it down. I've been realizing that, but I do take full ownership of my lack in the marriage.

Work: I have been working on myself, but slipped a lot when emotions ran high.

Emotions: Yes, but now... the calm. I wanted to die 2 nights ago. My friend in LA called my local Sheriff's dept and had them check on me. But, after that, it's gone. I feel... something but don't know what. But it's gone. The anger, the hate, the sadness. I don't like it, because what I DO know I feel, is that I feel that I no longer want my wife any longer.

I feel betrayed and sick to my stomach, but the emotions are hiding and I'm afraid they're going to be gone again. For a very long time.

last time I did this, was after my first fiance left me. Dated in 7TH GRADE and lasted 7 years. She flipped and went crazy. Sound familiar? My life story. I stayed in my room at my parent's house for 2 years. I worked, came home, and stayed in my room till the next day. I didn't talk to ppl at work. I barely spoke to my parents. I was happy tho. Played my nintendo and sega and done my artwork and worked out (martial arts)

I'm an adult now and I doubt I'll have that kind of reaction again, but I didn't feel love again until many years later I met a beautiful blonde at walmart. I was shy to talk to women, I literally BUMPED INTO HER, no lie and I wouldn't shut up. I had her laughing and smiling. We agreed to talk. We went to waffle house with her friends. I ended up knowing them from school. We promised to date one another because we both felt chemistry. I told my friend I truly felt in love with her from the first time I saw her. .... She died weeks later on Christmas day in a car wreck.

I locked my feelings up once more. My wife, is the only person to have drawn those feelings out. After I started street racing and getting out, I dated many girls. NEVER found love for any of them. Afraid of getting hurt. I met my wife and she instantly brought love back out for me. It was after this that I found out she was 17. I was in my 20's. I didn't care. She didn't care.

my point? I'm feeling my emotions drawing back, like the tide of the ocean receding back into the deep.

With that said. She called today. I spoke to her normally. We talked for over 11 minutes. Was strange once I think about it, she normally texts. It wasn't until the 7th minute that she mentioned not being able to see the movie Jack Reacher because she was sick. (she is sick, not faking) And... I didn't care. Didn't bother me.

I'll come back and give an update. Maybe this is another trip but I honestly think I'm off the roller coaster. Now the only thing I wanna do is GTFO THE PARK!

Thanks guys. Keep your comments coming. Very useful.

[chatterbug]

So. This is what detaching feels like. You will slide. But continue to detach. Continue to work on your thoughts and strive to improve yourself. Keep with being calm and keep with being civil.

You can do parallel paths you know.

Work towards D , planed co-parenting etc.....

Work on yourself to you get to the point that you would be able to work on the relationship with your wife or go it single. But getting to the point where you can have healthy boundaries that do not bend.

[Dewayne]

As a test I've watched all the videos of the sad songs. Watched relationship movies (last night and this morning)...

Nothing. I think I welled up earlier when a particular staind song come up, but I didn't feel anything when "Our" song came on. "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down was our song.

She and I were together for about 2 or 3 years at this point. I had been moved in for about 2 years. I went with my father and brother to Gatlinburg Tn for the big Rod Run they have and whatnot for vacation. That song came on for both of us, about the same time. It was in the morning, about 10ish. We just got in the car and it was on. I heard it and took note of it, liked it. She called me about 20 min's later and said she just heard our perfect song that made her think of me. Said it was "Here without you" and I didn't know what to think. Was very cool.

I heard it. Nothing.

I got a call earlier that should've pissed me off. Nothing.

I'm afraid of getting cold and empty again like I use to be

Thanks for replying again Chatterbug.

[adinva]

They call it a roller coaster because it goes up and down and sometimes stays level. You're not off it.

Have you matured any emotionally since you were 20? Why do you expect that you'll react the same to this tremendous relationship disappointment as you did to that one?

Why don't you think you will have any control over your emotions in order to become healthy?

[Dewayne]

Oh I'm aware of the rollercoaster, and how it works.

I think I'm done though. With the emotions.

This is exactly where I didn't want to be.

I just gotta find a job and pull the rest of the pieces back together.

Because I shut down before, just kinda wondering if it's going to happen again. I want love in my life, I don't want to be shut down like before.

[adinva]

You argue a lot.

[Dewayne]

I know. I'm sorry. I'm working on not being that way so much.

Update: The other night she came by. We talked. She gave me more info. Made me sick and I told her I hated her and to GTFO of my house. She left. I was VERY HURT! I wanted to end my life. *edited out* .. I looked up and I had pulled over at a church. I didn't even remember driving there tbh. I prayed. Felt better, no answers but felt relief. I fell asleep. Woke up freezing 2 hours later. Drove home.

Sent stbxw a FB msg; Told her not to worry about me fighting, I wanted the divorce now too. Later she txted; asked me if I still wanted to go to the movie. I told her "If you WANT to and you need to ask. I won't question motives. I don't care. I don't know you anymore" (basically)

This morning, she called; 12 min's. 5 min mark before she got to the point of calling.

Her: "were you still wanting to go to the movies?"

Me: "I dont' know, do you?"

Her: "Well I'm sick and I was going to lay down and didn' tthink I'd get up, I got the flu I think and just not feeling good"

Me: "stay home and get to feeling better then. Not going to the movies doesn't bother me"

Her: "Maybe tomorrow after the WIC appt. we can go before I go to work. I really want to spend some time with you w/o the drama, I think I'd like that. I do want to go to the movies with you"

Me: "well I got to go, why don't you get some sleep and I hope you get to feeling better"

Tonight she called, said JoJo wanted to talk. Gave her the phone so I talked to her. Then Jo gave momma the phone. Talked to he for 8 minutes.

Her: "So did you say yes or no to her coming over?"

Me: "I told her it was up to you. I can't come and get her. No fuel"

Her: "Well, why don't I bring her over so you can see her a while"
Me: "Is ok, I'd love to see her, but you don't have to waste all your fuel for a few hours"

Her: "Well, why don't I bring her over and come and get her in the morning? when I go to the appointment?"

Me: "That'd be great but I have plans. She gets off at 11 or 11:30 and I told her if she wanted to hang we could"

Her: "Ohh, ok. Well, do you want me to come and get you, and we all go to the WIC appt together then? And spend the day together?"

Me: "If you want"

Her: *sigh* Well if...

Me: "NO! I'm not being mean, I apologize if it came off that way, I don't want to pressure you. If YOU WANT that, then that's fine. I don't have any plans. But I do need to get off here, I have to reply to a text and have things to do"

Her: "OK, well I guess we'll see you tomorrow then"

I think I handled that ok. It REALLY helps not feeling the nervousness, and the "hope". I'm not flustered by talking to her. I did get a small gut feeling that she was trying to pwn the kiddo off on me so she can be alone with someone, that kinda rubbed me the wrong way but I decided I shouldn't care. She didn't call back, so she probably assumed we'll see meet tomorrow.

It feels SOO WEIRD being like this. It's amazing how freaking quick that was. Maybe I needed to hear what she said, I don't know. Opinions?

Thanks guys. I appreciate you guys being patient with me.

[MrBond]

Stop asking her if "she" wants to. Make a decision. If you want to go out with her, do it. But again, you have to do it with no expectations. AND learn how to control your temper. You have to do that first before anything else.