When tapestries of life get tangled in the loom.

[25yearsmlc]

Bruce,

you have gotten some great people giving you great advice here. Please listen to them.

Hello,
Very good points and food for the thought here. I'm glad I found this site.

So, to show detachment, I will keep sending few emails, always short, to the point and without "intro" and "good-byes".

How about ONLY emailing when it relates to your son & visits? What else is there to discuss, at this point? (The answer really is, NOTHING)

...if she wants to talk about the marriage, LET HER BEGIN but you cannot start another relationship talk. There's no need to discuss anything but your son, b/c you each have lawyers for the rest. She's not stupid. She can figure out that speaking to each other would save money

but so far she's not willing to do that, probably b/c you pursue her each time you two "talk".

So don't go down that road again.

It's like you keep going to a dry well for a drink, b/c you are thirsty.

But for now, THIS "WELL" has no water for you.


To show her I am a "great guy" is all the difficulty.
I don't know how to do that . Any ideas?

As Gabby and others have said, you simply have to BECOME a great guy. Over time, it will show. I say "simply" not b/c it's easy. But b/c it's not complicated.

THere's no other way other to show her you are a changed man and a great guy,

other than trying to force her, which is the opposite of showing her you are a great guy. This is why these things take TIME...but time is on your side if you're doing the work.

IT's going to be easier for her to notice the changes if they're real and if you've practiced the new behaviors enough. But if you two were to reconcile tonight, there's no way your changes would last.

So use this time to grow/reflect and change, wisely.


All my previous attempts were considered as "pursuing".

and they were all pursuit methods designed to get her back. When they did't work fast enough, you got angry, you wanted to "stop being nice", which revealed how superficial the changes were.

It included : write lengthy nice emails, showing interest in her life/activities, always show up smiley and act super gentle as if in passionate love, making eye contact, always compliment her about her looks/clothes/boots, invite her for coffee/dinner, encourage her before exams, invite them for tea at my place...

most of ^^ this is what normal men do when they love their wives...but some sounded fake and as one person described, "like a cut out" of cardboard.

You're not an advertisement. You should still make eye contact when spoken to, still listen carefully, still express interest in others, and be politely encouraging.

But NOW, b/c you must show detachment w/your wife, you can decrease the interest in her life - UNLESS/UNTIL she invites your feedback

or involves you in the conversation.

Then do what my DB coach would advise, "listen like a lover" and encourage. But not before.

For now--- you have to back off and wait for the 'invitation" to become more interactive with her.

Otherwise your contacts must be ALL and ONLY about your son.

So how to detach now without coming across as cold or angry?.
I don't want to "retaliate" or be nasty, but show her that I respect her for giving her the space she wants and letting go. It's also a consequence of her decision.

YOu being cold and angry is a choice YOU make, not a "consequence of her decision"....besides you were pretty rough on her before she left.

As for "HOW can You detach without becoming cold and angry"? Well, Are you cold/angry to people you just met? Are you grumpy with People you work with - but are not in love with?

Treat her as you would a colleague you have some warm feelings for, b/c you do have a son together. And again, I'll post about detachment to you.

This time, really take it in.


I will also wait for the Court proceeding to happen without trying anything on her.

YES...and I cannot think of anything you can "try on her' that would help your situation now anyhow...

Hopefully, there will be custody changes in my favour as well.

It seems as if you'll surely get more time w/him, even if not 50% AND if not half time, that can change SOME, as he ages.

In it all, I won't pull dirty things :1. because it is legally irrelevant, and 2.it will give her the reason to keep resisting reconciliation.

well ^^^ yes... and also, b/c it's wrong...correct?

To top it all, I am working on being the best dad as possible, even if for the moment my time with S is very limited.

OUI, (Yes) to ^^^^.

In limited times, in some ways' it's easier to be the great dad b/c you do not have him 24/7. I don't mean that as an insult but I've raised 3 kids and h was gone A LOT and 2 year olds are not easy.

The phrase "terrible twos" exists for a reason. Enjoy your adventures, however limited in time/scope. This will change and improve in time, if you show the court it ought to. The Court WANTS both (fit) parents involved in a child's life.



--> For the moment, until you guys tell me, I won't mention making peace or leaving the door open. She knows anyway, but she has to start wondering.

correct to this^^

Because we don't want my changes to look like only the mean to get her back, which they aren't. Because I am truly interested in my S <-- THIS IS MY PRIORITY NOW. And I have already lost anyway. Not interested in "winning" and show that "I was right".

Hug for you all, you're really the best help I found so far.
B.

Good luck Bruce. And here, again, is the piece on Detachment. This site has MANY other pieces on "how to detach" and what it means. Read them.


This was originally posted by Peanut.
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II. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded, and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

We can Not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal.

Detachment is NOT the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is merely the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act.

I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."