Awwww, thanks CV. I'm still highly emotional so I don't think I'm prepared for all the tough love I'd get from my own thread yet.
You can't imagine life with him. I sooooooooo get that. The thought of being touched made me sick. There was a time before he came back that I would go full on meltdown whenever he was around. Although, that should have really really triggered in me that I wasn't as detached as I thought.
Take your son out of this sitch for a second (and I know I'm asking the near impossible but try). What would life be like if you left? What could you imagine for yourself then? I am NOT telling you to leave. I am just trying to understand. See, I was so focused on how I couldn't make it work with my H and how hard it was to leave that I couldn't see beyond my own nose. I never truly tried to imagine what it would be like if I left. So tell me what that looks like.
I want you to understand CV that I am on your side. Completely. So I am not challenging you so much as really trying to understand. It's selfish in a way because I guess I'm trying to understand me in the process. When you say you have nothing to work on for the sake of the marriage, I will accept that. But what do you need to work on that allowed a man in your life who was selfish? He wants you to stay but is ok being in another room. Sounds like his rules again. I'm just really not clear what you are getting out of this arrangement. So what continues to allow you to bend to his rules? And please, please, please understand I've done the same thing and my H's personality is the same as yours. But while you are out and doing your thing, you are still sacrificing yourself by living in limbo. And I don't think it's ok or you're happy or you wouldn't be here.
At the end of the day, CV, I made a lot of excuses. My H's drinking problem is bad. And I used that as an excuse to stay so he doesn't kill himself. But the truth is? When I looked real hard? I was holding onto hope of something that just cannot be right now or cannot be with the path we're on. I was almost happy I wasn't one of those poor LBS's who didn't get another chance. Funny thing is? Each of those LBS's in my group are moving on and finding happiness again while I continue to insist upon my limbo. Not good. I'm rambling but I hope that made a little sense.
