I will get by....

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks, Snodderly. But that is easier said than done. I just keep praying. Like AJ said, I don't know why I am going through this test, but this is the road I am on.

It reminds me of the time H and I took an anniversary trip to a state park and decided to go trail hiking. There are cliffs at this state park and it just so happens that this trail was the steepest, highest trail in the park, but I had no idea and I had sandals on. By the time I figured out that the trail only got steeper and higher it was too late to turn back. H kept saying let's turn around but I told him the way down would be harder than the way up. The more he persuaded me to turn around the faster I climbed up the trail to the point where I left him behind and he couldn't keep up. The faster I climbed the angrier I got but also more determined too. I remember at one point another couple was coming back down and said that we weren't even halfway there. I wanted to give up, but refused to back down. I kept going. Eventually, we reached the top. I was exhausted and angry but I enjoyed the view and I was proud of myself for doing it.

Right now I am exhausted. I want to move on with my life. I want my kids and I want H gone. But I need to do what will work for me in the long run. I cannot be short sighted about this. I have only myself to lean on. No one else will do this for me.