Unpacking my bags

[needgrace]

I am reaching out for support. I have had a tough few days and have been a bit ashamed of myself which is why I have not posted until now.

I had some phone contact with W last week and thought I was ready to see her. We went for a walk on Friday. I had a plan prepared of how I was going to listen, validate and STFU. That did not happen....

She told me that she is happy with OW. I think I had assumed otherwise and had expectations. I totally pleaded, pressured, etc. She stayed adamant of course. Now this is really embarrassing....after I got home I messaged OW (who had been a casual friend of both of ours) about how i was hurt that they got together right when OW knew that W and I were trying to work things out last February and I said some other stupid things (mostly hurt, the only truly mean thing was wondering how she could feel okay about having an affair with someone else's wife)....

and then I felt so horrible later about how i had handled everything, almost right back to BD time that I texted W a few times and asked her to come over. she did not reply.

i am 17 months into this... i should have a better handle on my emotions by now. i am not sure what i am not doing right to get through this. it put me into a funk all weekend, i forced myself to go out during the day on saturday but spent all sunday just on the couch.. it was my mom's birthday yesterday too (she passed away when i was on my 20's) and that really hurt.

i have apologized to W.. and through her to OW.

we are going back to NC for now.

this morning i got out to the gym and i called a friend (the couple who stood up for us)... and asked if i could bring dinner over to their place tonight..I am not good at asking for help and have been hiding a lot of my pain. i have been isolating more since the holidays and need to get out more. i have IC tomorrow.

i am starting over and posting here is a good way to keep myself accountable..