In Limbo

[banjopicker]

I see you haven't got a lot of response to your thread. I'm new here myself, don't have much to offer. But I'm interested in your story. Maybe this bump'll help get some comments from others with more insight. Have you got an update for how things went over the holidays?

[Gettingoverit]

Yes there is an update on my site.Christmas went well,new years not so much. I asked him to come for dinner new years eve and he said that he had plans.I went to a nearby city and stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights,am still here,don't really want to go home but I have business to take care of.haven't heard from h since new years eve morning.so glad for the holidays to be over,have a lot of catching up to do at home.thanks for giving me a response.

[AJW]

I'm not getting a lot of response, but generally people say to keep posting, so I will.

The holidays have been tough - my wife, daughter and I have all been sick. At least we're through it now. My wife was going to spend some 'time away' at her mom's but apparently that backfired on her and her mom said she needs to stay and try to work out the marriage.

To be honest, I was kind of looking forward to her leaving and was mentally/emotionally preparing myself for it. She really isn't attempting to work on the marriage, she just kind of bounces around the house. That makes GALing all the more difficult for me, but I guess I need to just grin and bear it and give her as much space as possible. It's so hard for me not to bring up the relationship and try to get her to talk. I've messed up on that front a good bit in the past couple weeks. She's agreeing to go to marital counseling, although that seems almost pointless since she's not really working on the marriage. I guess I need to just take it a day at a time.

[AnotherStander]

I really hate where we are right now because she's almost acting like nothing is wrong and she's just putting on the happy face.

That's pretty typical, but rest assured there's a raging storm inside her. She may look cool and collected on the outside, but she's confused and in turmoil internally. Try to appreciate that this is hard on her too.

I so want to give her that ultimatum; "If you're not here to fix US, then just go".

Approach that in a loving manner, say "I really want you to stay and work on the marriage with me, but I understand that you feel leaving will make you happier, and I want you to be happy, so if you feel that leaving is what it will take then I support your decision." In other words, do not give her an ultimatum and do not make the decision for her, but instead, support her in whatever decision she makes even if you don't agree with it.

To answer your question, no I'm not continuing to do the 'I love you' and plan dates, etc. etc. I'm mostly acting like an acquaintance to her now (which matches her behavior towards me) and I’m doing everything to focus on our daughter and meeting up/getting support from friends, etc. This is a fairly recent development though – last few days.

That's good, but just know that these 180's take months and months before the WAS starts to believe they're not just tricks. So stick with it.

It’s so frustrating though that she’s saving all her energy and happiness for her work friends, etc. and completely ignoring me and OUR married friends/family that would hold her accountable for her actions.

This isn't about HER accountability, it's about YOURS. YOU contributed to the marriage problems, you need to take stock of what you did wrong and you need to right those wrongs. DO NOT hold her accountable no matter how bad you think her contributions are, that will just drive her farther away.

She’s so tired and exhausted around me, but manages to go to work parties until late hours and go to NYC for three days with her sister and niece, etc. The OM and other men she’s built relationships with openly post on her Facebook.

And what control do you have over this? Have you ever read the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People? This is outside of your "sphere of influence" so whatever time you spend thinking about it is just wasted effort. Read DR. Work on YOU.

My wife had an individual counseling appt. with our marital therapist this morning. “How was the appt” I said. “Good” she says. Moving right along…

Understand that most MC's are not pro-marriage. They see themselves as facilitators. So if your W talks about how done she is, they will just reinforce her beliefs. Your W will hear only what she wants to hear.

[AnotherStander]

How do I balance GAL and detaching with being available? I know one of my wife's primary complaints with me in the marriage has been my depression, emotional unavailability and distance. This is where I get really insecure about divorce busting because I want her to see that I'm engaged and making necessary changes, but of course I don't want to come off needy or desperate...

First, are you on med's for the depression? If that's her primary complaint then do something about it! Second, DB'ing is about doing the opposite of what you did before. You were emotionally unavailable? Then be emotionally available. You were depressed? Then go to the doc and get it resolved. You distanced yourself? Then close the gap. You can do these things without pursuing her although it's a fine line. Read the 5 Love Languages, it'll give you some tools to help in this. You can show love in ways that aren't going to hamper your DB efforts.

[AJW]

Still not quite understanding the forum moderation. In the newcomers section it says last post was yesterday at 8something in the morning, but when I check my thread the last post was yesterday at 4:55pm by AnotherStander.

Anywho, to reply to some of what AnotherStander (AS) wrote...

As I wrote in a previous post, I'm really having trouble figuring out where to go from here. My wife's separation strategy didn't work because her mom wants her to stay and work on the marriage. My wife is staying, but not working on the marriage. We have an MC appt tonight. To address AS's concern about the MC not being pro-marriage, we are fortunately going to an MC who is very pro-marriage and considers the client in our sessions to be the marriage. She is also familiar with Michele Weiner-Davis and supports her work (I had a short phone conversation with her about this). However...

My W really thinks the only way forward is for her to spend some time away and 'clear her head'. That could either be a bunch of BS, or she may be right. She says that time away may be the only way her heart could soften towards me. Evidence suggests that her interactions with the OM are limited to work, but obviously I can't know that for sure. What do I do at this point? Do I suggest some kind of controlled separation with the MC, where some boundaries/guidelines are set? I'm not sure my MIL will let my W stay with her unless the idea is to work towards reconciliation...as opposed to just a willy nilly separation.

I really need to do better at 180'ing though. With her being around the house like a zombie it's so hard for me not to press her for information or conversation about the R. I'm so impatient and I need to work on this - it's only been about 6 weeks since she dropped the bomb.

On a good note, I am addressing my personal issues and making changes. I've seen my doc and have started medication for depression, which probably will need to be altered in the future to address anxiety as well. I've lost about 20 lbs. already (down to 205 from 225), I've been more active and involved around the house, etc. My wife at some point told me that for all six years of our marriage I've been mean, selfish and controlling. True in part but not very fair in my opinion, but at least I have information to work with and address. I know that I need to make drastic changes.

[AJW]

Big Update:

Texted my wife to tell her what time i would be home from work to pick her up for the MC appt. She got defensive about me forcing her to do something she wasn't ready to do, etc. Called her to get more info and she said her sister has offered to house her in her mother's stead. She's leaving to go to her sister's tomorrow for an indefinite amount of time.

Sigh...at least she made a decision.

[AJW]

Hmm, still no traction here.

Update: Wife's attitude and general demeanor towards me seems to be better with her not sleeping at the house. D5 doesn't seem to be too affected yet by the separation. W is coming to the house regularly when she's not working to spend time with her. Interesting tidbit - I accidentally left a marriage book that I was looking at on the couch (Love and Respect by Eggerichs) and she was reading it when D5 and I came home from church Sunday. I didn't say anything, but took note. She also seemed a little emotional. There seems to be a hint that only after a few days she's missing being home.

She still is committing to our next MC appt. on Thursday. We'll see what happens.

[labug]

Post everyday or even a couple of times/day. When your thread moves several pages back it gets buried.

Also, post to other threads, that lets others know you're out there. If you see posts from others that resonate with you, post to them and ask them to check our your thread.

I haven't read your thread yet so have nothing to add right now.

[labug]

Were you mean, angry and controlling? I was for the last few years of my marriage.

If you were, admitting it allows you to work on it and move forward. You will find many controller/fixers here.

It may help you both for her to be out of the house, most people on the boards advocate not S but you didn't leave your home, she did.

It seems you are making some positive steps for yourself. What books have you read? Have you read DR yet? (sorry if I missed that in the previous posts)

Cadet's post on detachment it DR in a nutshell.

You can't control what your W does or thinks, let her go.

Detach, get a life, take care of your D.

There's that Ghandi quote, Be the change you want to see in the world...

You be the change you want to see in your M.