Walking the path to my own happiness

[2chiquitos]

RegretfulLA. Floating with the current is a GREAT state to be in. Allow the waves to take you. I saw myself on a boat with a sail and no oars or motor. Just taking me along. Letting my higher power lead me.

During this part of my journey I stopped questioning him about R. I stopped trying to change him. I turned the focus on myself. I made goals for myself that helped me be a better mother, friend and in turn a better partner!

HOWEVER I didn't want to add more resentment so I was respectfully assertive. I was not direct but approached things in a very loving way. I have never been good at this but with time I am learning to get better and it has made a HUGE improvement in my relationship with EVERYONE!

Ex. I would go to Hs family functions without him. I stopped and said, "I would rather go with you to your family events."

My IC said, don't give examples just state what you want to say. For ex. When I go to you family parties by myself and I feel awkward!

If your H says your sour, say, I'm learning to handle my emotions better. They are not a reflection on you. Please don't take it personal. Or something like that.

I don't know the details of the first disrespectful comment he made, in response to your cheese and meat comment. However think about what is it about his comment or reaction that made you take it personal? How did you contribute to it? What can you do to change it?

Also, consider what about you hurt the previous 5yr relationship? What are your shortcomings/faults that you contributed to the demise of that R? Sometimes they are carried over to the next R. Especially if you haven't worked on them and you weren't aware of them before.

Dig deep. Remember that when you're pointing the finger at someone, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you!

[mamabird]

You are smart Vero! I like what you have to say.

During this part of my journey I stopped questioning him about R. I stopped trying to change him. I turned the focus on myself. I made goals for myself that helped me be a better mother, friend and in turn a better partner!

That's certainly what I'm after. I'm not interested in changing him at all and really trying to focus on me. Me, me, me... it seems so selfish but the way I see it, I was withering before because I hadn't focused on fixing me.

I don't know the details of the first disrespectful comment he made, in response to your cheese and meat comment. However think about what is it about his comment or reaction that made you take it personal? How did you contribute to it? What can you do to change it?

This is what happened. H makes some sort of meaty cheesy sandwich for lunch, after an eggy cheesy sandwich for breakfast. I said to him "You know, I'm a little concerned about your eating habits... that's not good for you." He looked at me and said in a nasty tone, "Good." So childish. I just mentioned that his father has very significant heart disease and left it at that.

Also, consider what about you hurt the previous 5yr relationship? What are your shortcomings/faults that you contributed to the demise of that R? Sometimes they are carried over to the next R. Especially if you haven't worked on them and you weren't aware of them before.

Few things about this R that were problematic:

1) He was my first real "boyfriend" - and I was so happy to just have something working that the rest of it didn't matter to much at the time (like the fact he didn't graduate from college and I had just finished at one of the top schools in the country, for starters).

2) We started dating about 6 months before I had planned to move across the country. I figured it would end and that would be that, but he showed up on my doorstep one day and said he had moved to be with me. I had a very low paying job at the time and his job provided us with free housing so then we became financially entangled. Then we started a business together which made that even worse.

3) I am a ball buster. I admit it, I am. Most of this is my problem, but I would really like to be with a guy who could stand up to it a little better. In the case of the first guy, we just weren't really a good match ever. He drove me crazy, and we just stayed together out of convenience.

4) Like so many of us LBWs here, I'm controlling and somewhat of a bulldog. I was going to say I didn't accommodate BF as much as I should have, but looking back, that's not true. We lived where he wanted to live, we drove the cars he wanted to drive, he made the decisions in the business. But I'm not easy to get along with, I can be very demanding, and that's what I have to work on.

I remember a time just before we broke up - we went out for Valentine's Day and it sucked. He was just not into it. Oddly enough, days before my bomb with H we went out to dinner and he acted exactly the same way. I don't put a lot of stock into that R and I honestly don't remember that much from that time.

Tonight H made dinner for us and then at 9:00 I asked him if he wanted to watch Downton Abbey. Watching TV together is one of the only things (over the past year or 2) that we really enjoyed doing, but of course, the show would have to be approved by him (nothing gross like True Blood or Walking Dead for him). Anyway, surprisingly enough, he said yes, but we watched it in the den vs. on the bed as we used to do. I had the couch and he laid on the floor for 2 hours, but it was pretty fun - he always has some great one-liners in store. I call this a win.

[labug]

This jumped out at me and until you see it, YOU won't be able to change.

I'm not interested in changing him at all
"You know, I'm a little concerned about your eating habits... that's not good for you."

He's not looking for a mother. You treat him like a 12 year old, he acts like a 12 year old.

What does being a ball buster mean to you? Do you see being a ball buster as conducive to good Rs?

[labug]

Should have read more before posting.

I am a ball buster. I admit it, I am. Most of this is my problem, but I would really like to be with a guy who could stand up to it a little better. In the case of the first guy, we just weren't really a good match ever. He drove me crazy, and we just stayed together out of convenience.

What does that mean to you? To me it says, I can't control some parts of me so I expect someone else to do it for me.

RLA, you can have good Rs but you have to keep the focus on you, good and bad.

[mamabird]

Hi Bug.

Actually, I think my H IS looking for a mother, as was my xbf. Remember that H's mother abandoned him. XBF's mother was nuts and they had a very weird codependent R.

I don't know about you, but I think it's appropriate to express concern about your spouse's eating habits when they are not healthy. Notice I didn't say "Why are you eating that" or "Should you be eating that" or "Don't eat that" which is more along the lines of what I used to do. He used the defensive "Good" because there was nothing else to say except "You're right" and he COULDN'T say that...

So, maybe that is trying to change him. Could I say I would love him despite his eating habits? Hypothetically yes. But if your H was doing something self-destructive you would certainly point it out and try to get THEM to stop the behavior. He also eats on the bed which drives me crazy but I don't say anything...

I think you're right about my ball-buster tendencies - I have a tendency to "steam roll" and then say "But I'm right." This is hard to change but since I've been on this path I'm getting better at noticing a lot of my own behaviors so I think I can work on changing that stuff now...

Still and all though, even if I were the perfect W, I would require change from my H. This is different from "I am trying to change him." Look, he's fine the way he is, but I don't want to be married to that guy anymore. So, if he does not want to change, then we have to break up. If he is willing to change, let's talk about what that means. For starters, I would like him to grow a pair so that we can have a conversation without him either a) running away, b) getting his defenses so far up that he ends up in a tirade or c) insulting me so that he gets to feel better about it. This dynamic is not acceptable to me anymore. Not to mention the lack of nurturing and emotional availability...

[scaredsilly]

hi, LA. sorry you are going through this. my thought about the food comment, and it's just my opinion, is, they know all about good food vs. bad food. it's just out there too much for them to NOT know. it's a choice they make to eat in an unhealthy way. my H does it, too.

i'm giving up on telling him about it because i don't want to be his mother anymore. i'm so tired of him acting like a little boy. if his eating kills him, it kills him. it's his choice.

all i can take care of is myself. i'll eat in a healthy way and one day, enjoy all the life insurance money!

(((())))

[Breakdown]

One of my DB coaches said something to me about becoming detached I will pass along. The basic concept is thinking about how you would behave divorced. In my case, it was not sending my W information about working on the M, because if we're D'd, why would it matter.

In your case, ask yourself, if you are D'd, are you going to mention his eating habits?

[labug]

In answer to your question, no, I'm not going to tell my H what he should eat or not eat, whether we're together or not.

He's an adult, he get to make those decisions. My sons who are now adults, get to make those decisions. And they've been making them for a long time.

Their eating habits, good or bad wouldn't make me not love them.

This is what detaching means, letting the other person live their life. Sometimes we might not agree with their choices but it's their life. It doesn't mean we don't love them but that we love them enough to let them live their life.

In many of your posts you mention that you are done or that you can't be in a R with your H. Why do you stay? What are you getting out of this R?

[mamabird]

SS, you are hilarious!

i'm giving up on telling him about it because i don't want to be his mother anymore. i'm so tired of him acting like a little boy. if his eating kills him, it kills him. it's his choice.

I think this hits the nail on the head - "I don't want to be his mother anymore", "I'm so tired of him acting like a little boy." Bingo!

Breakdown...

One of my DB coaches said something to me about becoming detached I will pass along. The basic concept is thinking about how you would behave divorced.

I think that's part of our problem - that I've been behaving "divorced" for a long time, I guess... seriously though, I get it and that makes good sense. I am trying to see my H as a co-parent, roommate, and financier, nothing more.

Bug -

This is what detaching means, letting the other person live their life. Sometimes we might not agree with their choices but it's their life. It doesn't mean we don't love them but that we love them enough to let them live their life.

Agree that this is the ideal, but I have a hard time standing by if someone is doing something destructive. Ok, a sandwich is hardly akin to smoking crack, but still... I guess there is a balance that both parties must be comfortable with. I do believe my H was reacting out of shame, but whatever. It's his life!!

In many of your posts you mention that you are done or that you can't be in a R with your H. Why do you stay? What are you getting out of this R?

This is still very true. I haven't wavered on this at all. I am physically here because this is my home and I don't want to leave my boys, nor do I want to uproot them. H has agreed to leave and now it's just a matter of him finding a place to live.

What I'm getting out of the R at this point is time with my boys, the ability to work part time, a comfortable place to live, my home. As I said, H is a co-parent, roommate and financier. But I'm not really happy with the current circumstances, obviously, so something will have to change soon.

Today we got in a big argument about where he is going to live. He went back to the idea of moving into our old house. Reminder that we are making 25% profit on the mortgage by renting this property, and the mortgage payment is not insignificant. He can't cover it in addition to our other expenses.

When he brought this up again, I got upset. If he insists on doing this, we'll have to take the kids out of private school, or he'll go deeper into debt, or he'll get behind on the mortage. All three terrible options. His argument? That the payment difference between our old house and some apartment isn't a big deal (it would be at least $1500 a month). Guess he's got a money tree growing in the yard!

Then when I got upset (thinking of those outcomes), he said I was being hostile. Granted, I was making my point pretty strongly and not mincing words. He then retracted his original statement and said he wanted to figure out a way that made sense for him to go back to our old house. This guy doesn't want to work on the R, but it literally too good to live in an apartment. He's going to drag all of us down with him, and I'm afraid that if he insists on moving back into that house I will have to file for D just to protect myself.

[mamabird]

The other thing I really struggle with is trying to get an objective view of our dynamics. This is what I was hoping to accomplish in MC. I feel like H labels me a lot. He is locked into his (mostly negative) point of view. I have a hard time separating my actual behavior from his perception of my behavior, if that makes sense. I can't tell what's real and what's just his opinion.

This is why sometimes I come across as "not owning" my own behavior. Because I don't really understand what's real and what isn't; I can't get a handle on what bothers HIM vs. what is obnoxious in general. I remember one time, very early on, we were at a dinner and he licked his knife. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Don't lick your knife" and he acted as though I had stood up at the table, tapped on my glass with MY knife and made a big announcement about it. Sure, maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all - but the flip side of that coin is communication is key.

I don't really trust H's opinion of my behavior, but maybe that's MY problem. On the one hand, if there's something that I'm doing that he doesn't like, I should stop. On the other hand, I feel like he makes a lot of unfair judgments - such as I was being hostile during the conversation today, when I felt justifiably upset.

For the record, I did call him later to apologize for being "hostile." I told him that this is a very serious subject and yes, I was upset. Also said I was working on my behavior in general. I don't know if it had any effect on him or not.