Still working on me

[sweetbabyred]

Last night I found out that a mutual friend of ours had gone out with H and OW. The friend had been mentioning the plans earlier that day and I didn't realize they involved H.

So first I was annoyed because H never made plans with me in advance. He preferred to be spontaneous and see what his best friend was doing. And I was also annoyed because I knew H was spending money that he could have used to pay for the D or pay his back child support.

At 1am I got a few texts from him, asking if I was awake. The second one woke me, so I responded that I was now awake. He apologized and said good night. A few minutes later he said that he wanted to talk to me, but he'd wait until another time.

I told him I'd prefer to get bad news during the day, after I'd had a good night's sleep. His response was that it wasn't bad news and what bad news could he possibly give me?

Is he serious? Although it's hard to believe that it could get worse, unless he's telling me that he's decided to recommit to our marriage, anything he has to say is bad news.

Right after that he called me and said that he just wanted to check and make sure I was ok. He'd seen on fb one of his friends posting about another CES in Las Vegas and he wanted to see how I was doing. That's where we really met seven years ago.

Not to mention that our anniversary is on the 22nd and we've spent the last two MLK weekends in New Orleans (my college town) for his vball tournament, so January is probably worse for me than the holiday season. And H and OW's 4 month anniversary is the exact same day as our 5 year is going to be tough.

I couldn't go back to sleep for hours and when I did I had a dream about H and I having the same discussion, but at the end he decided that he did want to work on things with me. So then I wake up, realizing that it's only a dream. For about the first year after BD I had that happen pretty often, but it's been awhile.

I like to think that I'm detached, but I think I just keep myself busy so that I can't think too much about it. And since I haven't worked in a week now I've got nothing but time on my hands.

And even though I'm pretty sure it's MLC and depression, so it's not about me, I still can't figure out why he's able to give up on us. Class starts in a week, so I really need to get myself straightened out soon.