It's been 4 days since I've been on here. I am in a rough spot, due to mind reading, expectations, etc... Going to write it out, see if it helps.
I have been studying hard for a java programming cert, yesterday and today don't feel up to it, though I will force at least 30 minutes today, did 45 yesterday. I had been doing a couple hours per day or more.
My side job has not provided work in 2 weeks. They basically shut down for the holidays. This wasn't bothering me, but today it is a huge drain on my attitude.
We had the great Christmas. I had a fun NYE, w/out W. She missed her family gathering NYD due to the illness. We texted briefly.
Wed, 1/2 she started texting me from work, friendly, light conversation...Me still feeling great.
Thurs, 1/3 no contact all day...It was her day off. She's seemed to keep me at arms length on her thursday offs so didn't sweat it, still felt good. I know she had C appt.
Thurs evening I got home from business, S16 was out. He's supposed to tell me where he goes. Couldn't reach him on phone or text. I wanted to go to bed so called W to see if she took him somewhere. W dropped him at school basketball game, cousin driving him home. Fine, but we agreed I need to know where he is, not just her. That convo was terse. I apologized for my tone but I was annoyed that no one let me know what was going on. She said that's ok she agrees. Was still short w/me. I did not ask how counseling went, or did she make appt for us together, or if she went at all. I'll admit I was hoping for more in this convo. I said I wish I knew when we were getting together again. Didn't feel strong saying that.
Friday no contact. Wen to church band practice in evening. Not as up, losing positive.
Saturday no contact. By late afternoon depressed, lonely, walked dog for 2 hrs then went to Bs to watch football.
Sunday church. S16 stayed home sick, W came and took him to breakfast, I didn't see her. No contact. Went to BILs to watch football.
Don't know why I wrote all this...though as I'm doing it the sick feeling in my gut disappears for a few minutes.
Today I am wallowing. Just a few months ago I would look at someone in my state with disdain. Now I understand.
Logically, our convo on Xmas was so great. Don't know if I said this before: she said "if I come back now it will be just because I know I'm supposed to." I made a dumb little joke about any reason is a good reason then said "but i know, I want you to want to be here."
She told me she needs time to work through her issues...resentment, shame, fear.
I want to believe that when she avoids contact, that is what she is doing. That she's working through something that came up in counseling, I don't know...
I'm so tempted...to contact, temp take, etc...yet afraid of letting her see me like this, especially not working 2nd job...that gives me shame, I know she was pleased that I was working.
I'm so messed up. I get calm, then think of things I need to do, then get overwhelmed, then think of sitch w/W....not good. I need to get to where I think the sitch is either progressing or level, and I don't know why I don't think that anyway....
Just realized I haven't been praying...sad. I'm going to do that then force myself to get something done.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
