Dear All, thanks for reading. I am new here, and have posted all this on the MLC forum but I have only had one reply there so am trying again on the newcomers. Moderator if this is not a good idea, please feel free to delete. I wish I didn't have to be here but appreciate the brilliant support of people that I have never (knowingly) met.
I have known my husband for 23 years and we have been married for 18. I always thought it was a perfect marriage. I adore my husband. We have irregular sex but neither of us have ever really had enormous sex drive so we were both happy with that. Although in retrospect we really have significantly reduced our intimacy since our youngest child. I have always been more keen on intimacy but with young children did not really give it much thought. He has several female friends (very few male ones), and has dinner with them or drinks. I know and like them all. Often we know them as a couple or they predate my meeting my husband. I have no problem with that. I was always considered a catch for my husband: In fact his work colleagues are constantly amazed that he managed to persuade me to marry him. I love his character, he is a fabulous husband and father, he always treated me as the centre of his world and I always thought that he would be faithful and we would grow old and happy together.
I noticed in June that my husband (52 year old senior hospital doctor) was spending much more time with his juniors, taking them out for drinks on a weekly basis. He also wanted to join facebook, started losing weight (lost about 15kg and is lighter than I have ever known him), and listening to more trendy music. I was a bit suspicious that he was having a mid life crisis and often he was more distant than usual but still very very involved with our young children (8-12). He was certainly less affectionate with me but we have had periods like that when we have both been very busy. He didn’t seem the same and I did feel excluded from his new life but he just accused me of being ridiculous when I suggested this.
In September of this year he got in a panic and wanted my phone as he had sent me a text by mistake. I pretended that I didn't know where it was, but would find it when I had finished what I was doing. I actually had my phone on me and had a look, before pretending to find it and giving it to him. The text was not incriminating at all but was to a woman I had not heard of (28 y old co-worker, junior to him and with her career in his hands). I was a little suspicious and a few weeks later looked at his telephone and discovered that he had been texting her on a daily basis about non work related issues even when we were on holiday. Not sexual at all but very affectionate and caring and asking her to please come out for a drink with him; he needed to get to know her better etc; was she upset with him? Could he lend her money? Could he help her move house? he was so pleased he had helped her get her new job etc? (he was on the interview panel). He sounded as if he was chasing her. I confronted him and he reassured me and said that it was nothing but that he would stop. He asked if he wanted me to cancel a work trip a few days later when he was going with her away for 10 days. It felt ridiculous to ask him to cancel, so I let it go ahead but it really upset me. I don't think his feelings are reciprocated to the same extent. She certainly likes him, and sent him a birthday card just before they went away " Dearest X, Happy Belated Birthday. Looking forward to having fun in ..........' (I discovered this whilst snooping in his brief case together with some CDs she had leant him). She is attractive and has a lot of friends and an exotic life style and I think he has a crush on her and really wants to spend time with her.
After I told him that I found the texts and thought they were inappropriate he said that he would stop and he certainly does not text her in the same way, or at least deletes the texts if he does. They text about work but not as affectionate. They work together and will do for the next few years. He didn't tell me but I found out that he has taken her out alone for a drink and sent her a text the next day saying what a nice evening, and great dress and could he take her someone really nice next time. (This was after I confronted him) He then planned dinner with her at a very romantic expensive restaurant but that was cancelled at the last minute.
Despite trying not to, I exploded one evening and said that I wanted an explanation of his relationship with her and I thought that he ought to introduce us and let me know if he was taking her out for drinks or dinner. This was met with silence, which I took as a 'no way'.
Throughout all this I assumed that he was having a Mid Life Crisis and that it would all blow over. I have been making a monumental effort at home and he and I text several times a day with affectionate texts. We also did have more sex which I initiated in desperation, but it was not very affectionate, and he avoided looking at my face, or looking me in the eye or talking to me, or even a cuddle afterwards and I have therefore stopped pursuing it. It just left me feeling sad and empty.
I have also realised, and I think I was becoming aware of this that he is not as kind to me as he used to be and certainly not as affectionate. Once I started to count I realised that he has given me 3 hugs in the last 4 months. One of which I asked for, one came after taking his younger co worker out for a drink and the other when we got back from a holiday and he was finally able to contact her again. I gave him a semi hug yesterday and he winced which made me decide to avoid all physical contact unless he initiates it. This resulted in us going out for a drink. We have a few silences and during the time no physical contact which is really unusual for me, but I realised that it is obviously not high on his list. He used to be very complementary and give me hugs and put his arm around me spontaneously!
I just need some advice on how to handle him. He has been so lacking in empathy and so adamant that he has done nothing wrong and that he does not want a physical relationship with anyone, including me it seems. He stills kisses me (peck) morning and evening but hardly passionate. He does complement me on my dress, or tells me that I am smart but never anything about me, just my clothes! He does have a stressful job and would like to retire and I wonder if some of this is depression. He works hard at home and is a wonderful father. He is worried about his health, is on BP medication and convinced that he is going to have a heart attack in his early 70s like his own father.
I have decided to detach and GAL but am worried that he might interpret this as normal behaviour and expect us to continue like this for ever. I really can't stay in a marriage which is so lacking in physial affection. I attract attention at work but can't bear the thought that DH does not find me attractive and is not at all interested in my new lingerie!! The strange thing is that DH does a lot for me and is otherwise very considerate and very generous with my birthdays but this no longer feels like a marriage. He also talks very positively about the future and our house renovation plans together. However, he used to love going on holiday but even that does not interest him now.
I would love to hear anyone else in this situation. I feel like an option and not a priority in my marriage. Some days are definitely better than others and I wonder if I have dreamt the whole thing, or if I should be more sympathetic, pretend nothing is wrong- which he claims is the case. I also wonder if this is a case of reduced libido, perhaps depression causing Sex Starved Marriage, but that I have only become aware of it when I found the texts to another woman. Perhaps I should be posting in the SSM forum.
All best
_________________________ Married 18 years, together 25. children 8-12
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
