New Year, New Life (19 months)

[adinva]

I think your girls sound pretty cool and pretty astute, and if you're real with them you and they will reap the benefits of learning how not to be like your W. Sad but true. I'm in counseling paying through the nose for help in guiding my boys to not follow in their dad's footsteps like he did in his. It's a shame, but at least you get a chance to break the pattern.

So, D10 can tell phoney. That is very good. She sees that her mom has trouble facing up to conflict and shuts down when she doesn't have any better ideas. You can teach her that mom's toolbox for dealing with difficult stuff is limited, but that doesn't have to limit D10. It is A-OK to be sad about the house and to want the sign taken down, and to say so. But the adults are dealing with a big financial thing that they have to deal with, and they can't change it just because it makes everyone sad. They still have to sell the house. And guess what D10, we'll be together in a new house and it will be ok but for now it's going to hurt and you can talk to me about it, and you can still try to talk to your mom about it too. That is your right as a member of this family.

And for D14 to walk out of the room, doesn't sound so bad to me. She is disrespecting her mom, and you could talk to her about that, but her mom is pretty much disrespecting her too. Try to teach D14 better skills, role play different things she could have done. My IC has told me it is 100% OK to walk out of a room if you or the other person cannot hold your temper and deal with each other respectfully - but you do need to say so and say when you're willing to pick the discussion back up. You don't get to just walk out without doing that.

Anyway, just a few ideas for you. Watch out for projecting W's issues onto the behavior you see in your daughters. They are still learning and they need the tools and the words to use. And they need to know that their mom's "fatal flaw" isn't necessarily passed down to them, they can do better and be better able to find happiness in life.