Nope, it doesn't. You are absolutely right on all counts. Yesterday was just a very DOWN day for me. The reality of my situation was kind of setting in. Today is going to be much better. Like you said, this is for me. I will exit this a better person, regardless of the outcome of my M. Thanks for your positive words of encouragement, Eyesopen.
My D and I just got back from church. Today, it was like the sermon was directed right at me. It felt strong and put me a little more at peace with the world and my situation.
I really wish I had some more thoughts about how to reach out, without coming off as pursuing. My W's love language (I think) is words of affirmation. However, I feel that showing affirmation would come off as chasing and probably push her farther away. I just wish I had some better tools to connect with.
Don't worry about reaching out. My w's LL is also WOA, I can tell you I was a complete failure at this during our marriage, so for me it also feels like pursuing. There will be moments to speak WOA, just look for those and don't over do it. Based on advice Sandi gave me once it would seem that both you and your w's emotions are pretty raw right now. Be patient and wait for your moments. She may think it is a tactic for awhile, after some consistency it will become part of you.
Think more in the terms of emotion bank rather than love bank. Worry about filling her with positive emotions. Hopefully down the road you can work on the love bank.
Heck, I have been at this for awhile and have not seen much progress. I tried backing way off and being more business like and all that did was bring my w back to being very cold towards me. I also wasn't happy myself doing it. I guess I am not quite ready to completely let go.
With that being said I am happier than I have been in awhile. It has been 8 months and I am just starting to find myself again, not saying it will take you that long. Just keep at it, keep striving for your own happiness. Our w's may find theirs or they may not, but that is not our problem right now. My w said to me a long time ago that she needs to be happy on her own before me or anyone else can enhance that happiness. She might have been blowing smoke, or maybe not. I say that because it is true for me. I need to be happy on my own before I can even think about bringing happiness to anyone else. One thing is forsure, the first ones that will benefit from my happiness will be my children.
It is amazing how Sunday service can pick you up. Going to church is actually a 180 for me, although I didn't realize it until after I started going. I have enjoyed every Sunday, and felt so much better exploring my faith. It is a good place to start.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I was wondering about that too, backing off making my W feel more distant. I just don't know. I mean, I KNOW how she liked being treated during our M. But, I can't treat her like that now. Unfortunately, I didn't treat her like that enough before. It is so frusturating. I guess I just keep up the "wow you're looking nice", Have a great day, Good for you" sort of thing? Cheerleading, basically????
Unfortunately, I didn't treat her like that enough before. It is so frusturating. I guess I just keep up the "wow you're looking nice", Have a great day, Good for you" sort of thing? Cheerleading, basically????
Don't be that generic about it. WoA is more about specifics. For example if she takes the kids to the park then tell her "you know, the kids really love it when you take them to the park, you're really a great mother to them." That's the type of WoA you can show without it being pursuit.
Today, it was like the sermon was directed right at me. It felt strong and put me a little more at peace with the world and my situation.
Funny how a sermon does that. For last couple months it feels like pastor has been talking directly to me. Make sure to keep going and bring your D with you as much as possible. My D7 told me that Jesus will give us strength and we'll get through this. Made me so happy/ proud when she said it, made me cry later that night when I thought about it again. I'm so grateful my kids have that religious background to get strength from.
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
Think more in the terms of emotion bank rather than love bank. Worry about filling her with positive emotions. Hopefully down the road you can work on the love bank.
That's a good way to think about it.
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I need to be happy on my own before I can even think about bringing happiness to anyone else. One thing is for sure, the first ones that will benefit from my happiness will be my children.
Here's another thing we need to remember. Make sure to continue to GAL and start making yourself happy. It's not always easy but when I think about my kids being the ones to benefit it makes me want to get on with my life and start being truly happy.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Don't be that generic about it. WoA is more about specifics. For example if she takes the kids to the park then tell her "you know, the kids really love it when you take them to the park, you're really a great mother to them." That's the type of WoA you can show without it being pursuit.
Great advice hear. My W's LL is Acts of service but her second is WoA and it's a very tough one to do in our current environment. I wish I would have thought about it this way. I was doing the cheerleading thing for a little while and it just didn't feel right so I stopped. When timing is right I'll try more this approach.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Great advice on the WOA approach. I will try that.
Unfortunately, this morning I was feeling exceptionally weak. I slept maybe 3 hours, stared at the ceiling for a very long time thinking about my situation and whether there was any hope. It felt grim. My D will be leaving today to spend the next week with the W. I have not been away from her, EVER, for an entire week. I know this is going to be brutal on me....to make a long story short, I broke down and phoned my W. I KNEW I shouldn't have, but I fell back into that same old routine. I asked her if she wanted to go for breakfast with me and our D. She said, "oh honey I didn't go to sleep until 3am, I am just so tired". I replied that was funny,because that is when I woke up for the day and I knew what she was saying. I said we could do it later if it was something she was interested in, and she said she would call me. I kick myself for calling. I knew better, but I still did it....so dumb....back to work on detaching :-/
Of course....about an hour later I got a text saying, "sorry, today isn't going to work. I set my alarm, but I am still so tired". I just replied, "no problem. maybe some other time". She replied, "ok".....shocker, right? Why am I so stupid?????
I know that book about love languages is passed around as being a good book to read. It is a good book, don't get me wrong, but I don't happen to think it's one you should be focused on right now. For one reason, the WAW will see every one of those LL acts as you "kissing up". I remember how it would turn me off so bad when my H tried to apply some of them......even my LL, which is WOA, did not work.
When newcomers are told to read the LL book, they think they have more tools......just like you did. But the problem is...the WAW does not want you talking to her in any form of LL. That's one of those things that works very well if the couple is together, but not so well if you wait until they want a D....and then try to apply it. I just think it throws a lot of LBH's by thinking that those are tools to be used now. But that JMHO.
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How often does a WAS ever come back? Is it like 1 in 10.....1 in a 100....1 in a million? I don't know. I have no idea if mine will ever turn around. Is it good for me to keep "acting as if" it will?
No way to really know. But my question would be how do you know that your WAS isn't that 1 in a million?
I find it interesting how some men tend to want to know the answer ahead of the question. I have read several threads where the LBH wants to know that he isn't "wasting his time" at DBing. He doesn't mind doing the work as long as he can be assured the WAW will R with him. But that's not how life works, is it? Did you know your W would M you before you popped the question? Maybe so. But in this stitch, nobody can tell you what the outcome will be. And, only you can decide if you want to continue working.
I don't know what to say to get you to stop pursuing your W. If you KNOW it's going to put you back to zero and you'll have to start all over again.....and yet you persist in doing it. Don't you think that is why you have not been able to see any positive results?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know, Sandi. I mean I haven't seen ANY results, other than when I offered up the "friend" card. She reacted well to that. Unfortunately, I didn't realize she was looking at it differently than I was, not until you explained it. I guess the only real reaction I can get is to do something stupid like get into a conflict with her that makes her mad, other than that, not much changes in her attitude toward me.
Throughout this whole situation, her direction and her conviction hasn't changed a smidge. I've read lots and lots of threads where the WAS will waiver, withdraw, approach, etc. Mine has just stayed her course, if anything only building more steam. She is cold, she is distant and she is staying the course. I know she isn't as happy with her new life as she was originally, but she hasn't given me the slightest clue that she is second guessing her decision. Just today, a freind of her posted an inspriational (if you're not happy just walk away) sort of thing on Facebook. My wife was the very first person to "like" it. That is discouraging.
I'm just so confused on how to engage her or not engage her. I am still torn on this whole detaching thing. It is probably because I can't get into the mindset of my wife right now. I just keep thinking about how I would respond to things, and that obviously is much different. I am working on myself and making progress every day. I just can't detach from wanting my wife back. That is the part I just struggle with. I need a paint by numbers approach. I'm just not good at decifering what is and what is not working with her.
I really appreciate your input, Sandi. I always find what you say to be very insightful. Thanks again : )
Don't you think that is why you have not been able to see any positive results?