Made it through the weekend and I probably didn't win the Oscar but I at least got a nomination. Family spent pretty much the entire weekend together and I showed a PMA as much as possible. With kids I was upbeat and had a good time for most of it. I would classify interaction with W as friendly distant. I didn't initiate any conversations but didn't go silent and played in all games with kids that she played in. I also didn't let little things bother me that normally would. We even went to gym together twice, I didn't DB very well the first time, more on this later. Last night W and I spent 2 hours working on the charity website together, it was the only time this weekend I enjoyed the fact she was around. We still can work together on projects.
Couple weekend highlights for sitch: W's work called the house on Friday looking for her while she should still be at work. In past this would have freaked me out because person she had A with years ago also works there but I let it go and didn't let it bother me. I texted W that they were looking for her because I didn't know if they needed her input for a patient. She called me on her way home and without me asking said she was doing floor stuff instead of OR and didn't know why they called the house. I didn't really care and just said "ok". If being honest I have to admit that I don't believe her story even though it could be true since people that called are new. I was proud of myself because I didn't give it any thought and didn't let it ruin my night but a little disappointed that I still don't trust anything she says.
W said she heard I had looked at apartments (no idea who told her) and asked which ones I looked at. I told her and she asked if I decided to move out. I told her if anyone moves I still felt she should be the one and I was just looking so I knew what was out there. Not sure it means anything, just updating. I've decided to try and stick it out and not move for as long as I can take it.
Last night W got a text with her new work schedule and complained to me about having to pick up a couple more midnight shifts. She complained about her schedule getting tougher to manage. I said "I'm sure a lot of things are going to get harder this year". That was end of conversation and not sure I should have even said that. It still amazes me she talks with me about these things. Not sure if she's forgetting she's driving the D and everything should be great for her once she gets rid of me. My lawyer is going to push for her to work more if D to eliminate alimony (no reason she should stay part time, especially since her earning power is higher then mine).
I stumbled across something she wrote that hurt even though I know I shouldn't have let it. She wrote something for charity website but in the group of papers was also something for her codependency group. I wasn't snooping and wished I wouldn't even have found it but I did read a few lines of it (stopped very quickly because I knew I shouldn't be reading it). The couple lines I read said that she blamed me for most things wrong in her life and resented me for the past. Like I said I didn't read much and not sure what else was on there but it's same BS with her blaming me for everything. I know it's typical WAS stuff and I shouldn't believe it but it still hurt seeing it. I've never seen anything or heard her say anything about me being the only person that stuck with her through her illness and doing everything with kids and around house for 6 months while she was incapacitated, all the time I took off work to take her to doctors over the years, me basically being the only one there when she dealt with her families fallout, me stalling my career so I could be more available for her and kids, or anything like that. I know the truth about the good I've done (and bad) but it doesn't make it easier when I know all she sees now is the bad and how exaggerated she's making it seem. She has this fantasy life in her head that she thinks she could have had without me but doesn't see that when her family and friends were no where to be found she had one person always there no matter what. I'm so appreciative of these boards that force me to look at myself and not blame everything on others. It hurt but it also made me sad that this is apparently still how she's dealing with things and I don't think she has anyone challenging her since she's surrounding herself with new people. I'm a little worried about her raising kids if she never figures out her own issues. I know I have no control of this so shouldn't worry but I can't not worry about my kids...
We are both training for a half marathon for our charity and Saturday we went to gym to go running. I was on treadmill and she walks right by the empty machine next to me and goes to treadmill on other side of gym. This ticked me off and not sure why. She's talked about us being friends and doing this race/ charity together and then she pulls this. After I was done I went to get kids out of play area without telling her I was done running. She found us in locker room (we were going swimming as family after) and said she looked for me but couldn't find me. I replied that I didn't think we were together by her running on other side of gym. She said she likes to run alone. Maybe I should have let it go at that but instead I asked if she runs next to her friend that she sometimes meets at gym who is also running. She was silent and I said I guess that tells me if you truly think we're friends. I know not great DBing here but I felt like I had to say something, especially if she wanted to continue to train together. Later I justified it in my head as setting a boundary with her, if she wants to be friends she has to treat me like a friend. Maybe just an excuse by me since I didn't DB and let something she did affect my mood. The next day at the gym she did come up to me and tell me she was doing elliptical machine behind me since she didn't want to do exercise I was doing; she seemed genuine.
Only other thing I found noteworthy is I was setting up to watch a movie on Saturday night and W was in kitchen. I told her I was watching it and she joined me. It's not a movie she would usually watch and it was late so surprised me.
Sorry for another book but I didn't post at all this weekend so you got it all.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
