How to make it work again?

[scaredsilly]

thanks, tori. i will get that book. i appreciate you telling me about it.

KD, H and i have agreed to try to discuss our relationship on an ongoing basis, once a week. we did this yesterday. we agreed we would discuss what was going on with each of us as far as possible resentments, appreciations, and things we might need from the other.

i have tried to be more vulnerable with him because he previously (and maybe even now) thinks i am too protective of myself and "strong willed". i'm trying to accept that i'm not always right and that when i make a mistake, to appologize for it instead of trying to ignore it and not speak about it or defend myself.

that's what i need from him, too. he has a hard time apologizing. i think he needs to be right, a lot. i need him to apologize so i can let it go. an apology makes things so much easier for both people.

one of the things that came up yesterday, was any financial assistance to his adult kids (23,25,& 27). we have been subsidizing his D23's rent to the tune of $470/mo. for about 17 months. she just graduated from college in december and now i want it to stop. it will be the first time since we were married that we won't be giving money to his kids (child support ended five years ago).

it's hard for him to stop but it's a line in the sand i will not waiver on. i have waited so long to have a marriage that is only about us. i have a son, too. he's 40. he has a family and we offer no financial assistance to him. we have a living trust that dictates that any financial "gifts" to one side be matched with an equal amount to the other. until now, i have not asked for this to be enforced. now i'm pretty much settled on it being the way we handle these things, going forward.

i think i've been very generous. with what we've given his adult kids over the past five years (4 1/2 years they lived with us and we supported them while they were in school), we could have taken two very nice vacations.

i don't see how to make him see that i should have to give financial assistance to his kids anymore. he likes to bring up all kinds of hypothetical situations and pose them to me, things that may never happen but might. i'm not wanting to be pulled into this "trap". i can only say i don't want to give them anymore money and if "we" do, i want it matched with my son. he's opposed to that. why can't he see that i feel the same way? i don't want to give money to someone else's adult kid?

he seems to feel guilty and it's been an ongoing thing in our relationship; "guilty dad syndrome" and it feels like it will never stop.

i just want a marriage, now, where we are the two most important people in our relationship and the rest of our family members have their own lives that we can enjoy.

any suggestions? it's starting to feel hopeless again...