Awesome progress Advina. I think separation is helping YOU more than your H! Maybe you can thank him for it. "Thanks for leaving, Hope the door didn't hit you on the way out!" LOL!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Thank you. This is so hard. But coming here and journaling and getting support for this weird way I'm working on my marriage (and me) keeps me on the path.
FloydMan, my S14 didn't speak to my H when he visited on Christmas, he pretended he was too sound asleep/sick. My s12 is winding up in my bed most nights. This is hard on the kids, no question. But I do know they'll look to you for how you're doing and you can add to their pain or help them manage it.
If my H leaving was devastating to me and I moped and wailed, they'd add concern for me on top of their own feelings. And it would definitely add to their anger at their dad.
I know I'll be OK, even better than OK. I know all you LBS will too.
For now, I am trying to hang onto my changes and make sure I haven't been paying lip service to them. After 16 years of education where giving back the right answers was rewarded, I want to make sure I remember who I am inside now, better than I remember calculus.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Definitely want to help the kids manage their pain rather than add to it. Turns out last night W was cold again W was cold again with d10 about moving out and taking the for sale sign down. W left it with her with a comment "we'll see at the end of February". (That is when current listing agreement expires". D10 also said that her mom tried to console her but sounded phoney. That was strange. She described it as her mom saying "I know baby" . d10 said it sound like JLo on American Idol last year to contestants. I thought that was odd. Does d14 sense patronizing and it bothers her? Apparently she told her mom "No you don't. How could you know" and she left her mom instead of the usual mom dismissing her. These are behaviours I would rather them not learn.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
She brushes her off and ignores her mostly. Shuts down and turns away and tells her no discussion. Just like she always did to me when we needed to talk. All through our M if there was important discussion she would literally either leave the room or turn away. Cold shoulder. Apparently W tried to tell d "I know baby"... My d said it sounded phoney and compared it to JLo on American Idol. That floored me. I just said she is trying. She loves you. Not much more I could say or think at the time. Apparently it was d who walked out on her mom this time. Learned behaviour I guess.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I think your girls sound pretty cool and pretty astute, and if you're real with them you and they will reap the benefits of learning how not to be like your W. Sad but true. I'm in counseling paying through the nose for help in guiding my boys to not follow in their dad's footsteps like he did in his. It's a shame, but at least you get a chance to break the pattern.
So, D10 can tell phoney. That is very good. She sees that her mom has trouble facing up to conflict and shuts down when she doesn't have any better ideas. You can teach her that mom's toolbox for dealing with difficult stuff is limited, but that doesn't have to limit D10. It is A-OK to be sad about the house and to want the sign taken down, and to say so. But the adults are dealing with a big financial thing that they have to deal with, and they can't change it just because it makes everyone sad. They still have to sell the house. And guess what D10, we'll be together in a new house and it will be ok but for now it's going to hurt and you can talk to me about it, and you can still try to talk to your mom about it too. That is your right as a member of this family.
And for D14 to walk out of the room, doesn't sound so bad to me. She is disrespecting her mom, and you could talk to her about that, but her mom is pretty much disrespecting her too. Try to teach D14 better skills, role play different things she could have done. My IC has told me it is 100% OK to walk out of a room if you or the other person cannot hold your temper and deal with each other respectfully - but you do need to say so and say when you're willing to pick the discussion back up. You don't get to just walk out without doing that.
Anyway, just a few ideas for you. Watch out for projecting W's issues onto the behavior you see in your daughters. They are still learning and they need the tools and the words to use. And they need to know that their mom's "fatal flaw" isn't necessarily passed down to them, they can do better and be better able to find happiness in life.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My IC has told me it is 100% OK to walk out of a room if you or the other person cannot hold your temper and deal with each other respectfully - but you do need to say so and say when you're willing to pick the discussion back up. You don't get to just walk out without doing that.
The saying when you will pick the discussion back up is vitally important. My W is one to just walk out of room and hope that the issue goes away. I've watched her family do this also in disputes. It's not fun being the person left alone in the room with nothing resolved and not knowing if anything ever will be. It can build up a lot of resentment if not dealt with.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Yes Spartan, it is key. I've been teaching my S12 that it is ok to walk away when my H is berating him and calling him stupid. When he tried to do that, H got more mad and yelled "I'm not DONE with you yet." We were missing that key part. So next time S12 needs to verbalize, Dad I feel disrespected by the words you're using and I'm getting too angry to talk about this. I'll talk to you about it in an hour.
This isn't easy to teach, no one taught it to me. But you don't get to use bad relationship tools just because those around you are. You as an individual, even as a child, have a lot of power when you stand your ground about how you're going to be treated...and make it clear with respectful words.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oops no one taught it to me growing up. My IC is teaching it to me now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
A lot of the anger I have simmering about H is lodging in my feelings about her too, and I'm trying to work around that to keep her in her grandsons' lives.
I'm still kind of mad/disappointed that I didn't get to see her on Christmas. I invited H's family through H and he never said and never said and finally on Christmas said they weren't coming. I never heard from MIL that she knew she was invited or that she would prefer to hang around at her own place by herself and then go see a movie with a friend. I just know from H that that is what she did, while I was entertaining family that would have loved to see her, as would her grandkids. H said it was fine not to see her that day because we had plans for a Christmas party on the 30th.
I wish I could communicate directly with her but she seems to plant H in the way and he's so passive nothing happens, and then she blames me for not sharing my kids. It could be a cultural thing among little Asian grannies. When my mom and dad want to see my kids they show up.
Unfortunately my parents act elderly and repeat stories so my kids think of MIL as the "fun grandma." And it makes me sad that she doesn't even pick up the phone to try to see them.
So, I wrote her an email. I edited it down to this: Subject: Do you have any free time? Hi [MIL], I think it would be nice if the kids could spend some time with you; do you have any time free that you would like to visit? I can bring them up to you, or [H] can. We have a Monday school holiday in January sometime, maybe that would be good? We also have a new supply of [item she is collecting].
She copied H on her reply, which is what has sent me into a pit.
TO: [Me], [H] I would love for the boys and me to visit, but how about you and/or [H] too? January would be fine but I have a meeting on Saturday, Jan. 26, during the day. In the evenings I have [her daughters' daughter's] basketball games on Jan. 11, 22, 25, 28 and 30. Did you find out the date of the school holiday in January? What would the boys enjoy doing? Please keep the maid from throwing away the collection of [item she is collecting] this time.
I'm frustrated because we have a pretty good relationship on the surface and with H gone I need to just plan doing stuff with her. H doesn't take the initiative and it is NO LONGER MY ROLE to do it for him. I'm trying to do it for my kids.
I am not planning on the four of us driving up together to see her and fake a happy family like we did at Christmas. If H is taking the kids then I don't need to go, and vice versa. She only lives 30 minutes away, we shouldn't have to book it a month out and act like it's a major event. But - she is his mother and I'm trying to soft-pedal the I'm-not-going-if-H-is-going part. I just want to be able to schedule a date for my MIL to see her grandsons...because after 14 years I know that she does not and will not.
So I stewed and stewed and came up with this reply: TO: [MIL], [H] For me personally, the weekends are best. Would you be interested in going out to Corner Bakery this Saturday lunchtime?
and to which H just replied: TO: [Me], [MIL] We should get together this Saturday around lunch time.
Blah. H is going and so I don't want to go. We faked it at his cousins and we faked it at his sister's at Christmas, and I faked it for a whole year and a half before that.
I went to Bikram yoga and threw the whole thing into it for an hour and a half, and felt the anger I feel at MIL for being so passive, and for teaching her son to be so passive, and to be superficial and fake and just really not there emotionally. I'm angry and yet understand that she believes her son is a good person doing the right thing, and that she believes that he was right when he said I was a person who he couldn't stay married to because of things I did. I'm trying like heck to be neutral but with the combo of them together I feel like I'm really swallowing a lot. Too much.
I want to tell them it is actually *painful* for me to pretend that I haven't been deeply hurt by this. It is actually *painful* for me to think of traveling together to have a nice lunch date together. I think I will tell them I am busy. I don't know yet.
I find that when I take the high road I feel good later, like it was the right thing to do. But on the other side, I feel like I am disrespecting myself and my own feelings to set them down in order to make others more comfortable with my situation.
Her son left his family, and broke his marriage vows, and never gave one ounce of effort to working on our relationship while it was breaking or since. I'm hurt and I'm angry.
Do I have to go make nice at lunch?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
