Just a quick journal to say I did well today and got out for a few hours while my H was sleeping. I came back early this afternoon and he was still on the couch (which is his bed these days), face down, covering his face with his hands. It sounds horrible to say but I kind of wished he was crying, just so I could see some real emotion from him again.

Since I was gone most of last night and then when I got home, watched some tv with him and kind of drifted off to bed without saying goodnight to him, I think he wasn't sure how to speak to me today. He gets like that a lot where he won't speak to me first, and my current way to deal with that is just to casually and kindly break the ice, for sanity's sake. Today I sat down in the living room where he was and was on my computer. When he "woke up", he immediately started doing busy work like reading stuff on his computer and his phone, with his back still to me. Since I saw it was going to be a standoff if I didn't say anything, I asked him if he was hungry, and it seemed to make things relax a little. I started making some food and doing the dishes and he jumped up and went to work in cleaning up his little "sugar den" he had going on from last night. It looked like he found everything with sugar in it and had it out on the table, ha!

Anyway, while I made us something to eat he whipped up some more food too, and we had a nice lunch together. He put on a show we liked, we had some light joking and then when it was over, he got ready for work and left.

I'm working on trying to be amused when I'm in his presence, as opposed to being disappointed sometimes. It makes it an easier lens to look at things from, because I still don't really and truly know if he's ever "coming back". How would anyone know? I don't even know if this is a MLC, if he's a WAS, in a total depression, or just buying time until he splits on me. It's not like we're chatting about it much! I don't even know if he knows.

I also realized last night that it's not just my heart that hurts. It's my ego! It [censored] to feel like your partner doesn't want to be intimate with you suddenly. It can be quite a bruise on the self esteem. But I do know that my true worth doesn't and will never come from him, it will come from me. And no matter what, I will definitely come out of this stronger if I keep up the working on my own stuff.