Man, I'm having the same night and I've been doing this for more than 2 years... you are pregnant and have 2 daughters you're trying to take care of 2 months after legal separation and you're feeling weak because you are having a bad night? SB, a lot of people here would love to have half your strength. I get that can be a frustrating statement right now because you want to scream to the world that you are not feeling strong.
Yes, he stole away what should be a wonderful time in the lives of your whole family. There isn't a thing anyone can say to make that "right" for you. You are going to get through this, but you need to take care of yourself first and stop with the self-judgment. You don't deserve this. No one does.
I can tell you something that you aren't going to believe... you ARE going to feel normal again. Normal is a funny thing, though... it's never quite the same. I've realized that this elusive "normal" I'm looking for never existed... life is always changing. And sometimes that's good and sometimes that's bad. For me? Before my mess started, I was incredibly clammed up about my feelings. There are friends who have known me all my life and don't have a clue about me and some of my secrets. There were secrets I never told. And then I was broken open and that all changed. There was something so incredibly freeing about that for me. The bad? My H came back. And the progress I made with myself slowly but surely eroded again. His fault? Oh how much I would love to blame it on him, but I chose this back and forth with him. My point? Be careful what you wish for. Because this person he is right now is not healthy for you to be with. You are quite right to want your distance.
You must keep traveling down this road. I PROMISE you that there is hope and wonderful things in your future so long as you continue down this path and you continue talking (good and bad). Right now, your job is to concentrate on you. Don't worry about him or what he's doing. Let him deal with that. And believe me, SB, that is the critical mistake I made. I tried to fix him and take care of him like I always do and I'm in a big fat mess. Stop trying to figure out the affair and the motives because you will NEVER figure it out. And as far as paying off the girls? Well that's going to turn into a big mess for him. I was a child of divorce like so many of us. My father didn't have much interaction with us... but man, we got great gifts. For a little while, it was wonderful but as I got older I realized what my mother was to me and all she did compared to my father. Later on, there was definitely resentment. That's also going to be his hole to dig out of. I know you love your H, as I love mine. I wouldn't be hanging out for 2 years if I didn't. But I want you to seriously analyze who he is right now. If he came home right now, this is what you would get, only you'd get a front row seat.
I wish to God I had a way to take the pain away. But this is where we are supposed to be right now for whatever reason. (And I hope it's a really, really good one because I'm tired).
