Confused by WAS

[Grizz]

Hello all. This is my first post but I have been following others for the past several months. Here is my story.
I have been married for 14 years. I would say that by far the majority of it has been great. Approximately 5 months ago my wife seemed to be distant. I asked on several occasions what was wrong and received the reply of "nothing, just stressed". On a side note, about the same time she did have some very stressful situations going on at work and was very nervous, angry and upset over them. Very soon after, she developed some health problems (nothing very serious but still painful and very stressful also). The health problems lasted about 3 months and are actually still lingering a little. Job situation is no better and maybe worse.

Over the next several months I continued to press her as to what was wrong (I feared it was me) and no new answers were given. I then asked a close friend of hers if she had noticed any changes in my wife (she had). Long story short, my wife finds out I had asked the friend and she blows up! That was early Oct. Very tense at home after that. The beginning of Nov she tells me that she has spoken to an attorney about a divorce. Says she just doesn't feel the same about me as she used to. Her feelings are gone. Says she has not been happy for several months.

I admittedly did all of the things I should not have even before that point. Meaning attempting to SHOW her how much I loved her (smothering her) when she started becoming distant. This seemingly pushed her further away.

Things were no better throughout Nov and December. Now, last week, she has told me that she has filled out the paperwork for the divorce but has not filed yet. We had a long discussion about the kids (D7, D4), finances etc. No arguing, no begging, just a straight forward conversation about the issues but with alot of crying from both of us mixed in especially when we discussed the kids.

She really cannot afford to file right now however. Meaning, she does not make enough money to support herself. She is looking for another job and has applied for several over the past 2 weeks. I have been supportive of her finding a new job for a long time. She should have quit her current job years ago but the flexibility was great, she loved her boss but the money was poor. I think that her feeling like she is unable to leave only makes her want to leave more. She really resents the fact that she has to rely on me and cannot leave even if she wants.

To the present. The house and our relationship is awkward to say the least. We don't fight or argue (we really never have). We continue to go about our lives, especially with the kids, as we always have. The kids are not aware of any problems. She did start sleeping in the other room last week after our discussion about the divorce.

I have read DB. I have recently started to detach. This has caused a change in her. She has talked more since it started. Yesterday she asked to lay with me in bed for a few minutes. She held my hand at church today (initiated by her). I have really tried to detach. Honestly because I can't see this divorce not happening. She is so matter of fact when discussing it with me or her friends. I was doing good at starting to detach (looong way to go) but started to get better, until she does things like that (holding hands, laying with me). She has asked why I am being so distant to her recently (like she should have to ask). She has cried three times in the past two days because of my detaching (not talking so much, spending more time away from her such as with the kids or doing housework). She gives me the impression that she thinks I am being mean to her. I have not been rude. There is no arguing. I am just trying to distance myself from the sitch.

So, how do I detach when she tries to pursue even more? How do I detach without seeming cold or "mean"? What do I tell her when she asks why I am being distant to her? If she wants to show me affection, do I go with it or pull away? How far do I let it go? Do I try to show her affection in return? I feel like I am only in this marriage until she finds a job and then she is gone. She says that, "yes the job and her health issues have made her very unhappy and stressed but that is not why she wants a divorce". As I said before, her feelings for me have changed. If this is true, I want to detach as quickly as possible so I can be as ready as possible for when that day finally arrives. She is just making it very hard for me to detach. If her feelings have changed then why should she care what I do. It should be a blessing that I am detaching.

I did not state this before but I love my wife with everything in me. I do not want to get divorced. We have had a great marriage up until the last 4-6 months. However, I am really starting to resent the fact that I feel she is essentially just "hanging around" until she can get another job and afford to leave.
Thank you in advance for anyone's insight and suggestions that you may have.