Almost Over...

[adinva]

In my opinion it is way early for you to be thinking of finding another woman. You've got a lot of work to do on you, and a woman who is the mother of your child who you might be able to reconnect with if you focus on being the best man you can become.

[adinva]

Sorry, I'm crabby lately. I'm way too free with the 2x4s and I think you have been very open and receptive here...you have a lot of potential.

[Dewayne]

No no, no worries Adinva. I talk about future as in NEAR future.

I'm not worried about anything but friends at the moment. I want to get out and find people, but not date or get serious by any means.

I want friends! I want to be held by the opposite sex... that's ALL I want right now! (as far as dating etc) and I think a good friend can do that.

Me? I think I have great potential. I know I've been a loving husband and that half the crap she spewed out was false / exaggerated. I know, "don't listen to what they say". I'm so tired of "hearing" what she says, I just don't even want to talk to her. I think that's why my encounters with her have been wrong. I don't think I want to be around her anymore. My sadness is only grieving for the marriage that once was. If she wakes up, for one she better hope I haven't found a good "friend" that i May want to invest in cus otherwise, it ain't happenin! but 2, if she wakes up and becomes the person she used to be, that's fine, but other than that it will NOT be the same and I realize now that I probably won't even like the woman that comes out of the tunnel

BUT! I still need my support lol.

I miss my baby girl but can't have her for a lil while. Hence another reason I'm ignoring her (stbx) a bit.

Thanks for replying and encouragement. I Feel I'm 80% there to where I need to be, I just need a good job (any job really) to help complete the process. Once I hit the "road", I'm usually gone! With everything, changes, acceptance, all. I'm not on the road, but I'm in the flippin car for sure!!

[Dewayne]

GOOD GAWD I NEED HELP!

Ok bear with me! During this whole time I just FELT something wasn't right. I am VERY intuitive and I have been known to say things were going to happen, or say "somethings wrong" and something bad happens... or happened. No questions, no B/S! This is real! ok.. now... During this whole separation thing, I have had no gut feelings...

NOW I DO! Wife dropped off D3... I asked when final court date was and she rolled her eyes, closed them and looked up and then looked at me and said "Why?" I said "because it's my divorce too and I deserve to know" She said "you don't need to be there, don't worry about it!"

She got VERY aggravated and I started feeling something VERY wrong is going on now! She got the papers from me about 2 weeks ago. Filed them the week after and it's suppose to be about 30 days on average for the final court date. That would put it in JAN! She said "It's in Feb sometime" I said "I want to know the date" she said "If you find out the date, I'll have it changed"

My friend is going to call the courthouse and try to find out the date.

She slept with OM in late Sept, early Oct. 2nd week of oct we had a fake R. Slept with her Mon. Sat I was back into sleeping in the theater room.

Suddenly, all the "not right now"'s that she's been saying to the possible reconciling is making sense... WHAT IF... . she's pregnant? Ok, before your brain gets flustered... let me say this. SHE NEVER STOPPED TAKING HER ANTI ANXIETY / AD PILLS! like i had thot! She made the statement to me AND MY MOTHER... before the moveouts "If I get pregnant while taking these AD's I'll have an abortion, I won't have an unhealthy baby!"

It's starting to make sense now.. WHAT IF? I don't think she can get an abortion w/o my consent legally since she's married, IF SHE GETS the divorce SHE CAN! Why is she in a hurry? She's been in such a hurry to get me to sign those papers I was thinking "what, you gonna get married next month?"

She's gaining weight again!
She's moody!
Always tired!
Been sick!

See a pattern? She had a period right after our sex, but she did the same thing when she conceived with Jordan, our daughter. Had a period after conception and still got pregnant. She's also been having "more than usual" appointments at the health dept.

Opinions? Advice? what CAN I do if I wanted to? WHAT IF THAT'S MY CHILD IF SHE IS PREG?

Now I'm really flustered in the head tonight.

[chatterbug]

Only way you know is blood test..... Yes if it comes down to child support. Blood test.

So just drop the guesses.

Think of it this way. Your track record for being very intuitive is rather lacking.

DB is about 180's

Here is a 180 for you. Stop thinking with feelings and start to use reason.

Stop confronting and start communicating.

If she is pregnant it is either your child or not. That is something you need to come to grips with. Now with your emotions being so raw. You need to just step back and hold that hunch you have. It will come to light soon enough.

Prepare for both outcomes.

Another 180

Stop being flustered about things you cannot control.

[Dewayne]

Yeah, I've calmed down a bit. The only thing that was getting me is IF IT IS my child, and she does get the divorce (i don't fight it) and she aborts it... Sure, the statistics show that Antidepressants can cause an unhealthy baby, but if IT'S MINE... I don't want to abort it!!

I was thinking while on a drive, If legal aid says we need to stall the divorce pending a blood test I may go with that. Other than that, i can't think of a single thing that she could be hiding so much taht she wouldn't want me to go to the court date.

She's saying that she doesn't want me to delay and cause problems with the divorce, but if it's MY RIGHT to be there, by golly I want to be there! That makes me feel like I'm about to get railroaded and screwed. Why do this if there's not a good reason?

I knew it ws getting close and I hadn't heard anything about a date, so that's why I asked. I was doing fine until she did this. I didn't make her mad and I think I handled it well (comparatively)

Intuitive: Ok, why is it that my gut's wrenching up NOW? Is it because I'm feeling "better" and the emotions aren't as terrible?
**edited more details of this out**

Thanks

[adinva]

I don't know what state you're in, but it seems like a court date that you are a party to is, if not public record, certainly something you are entitled to call up the court and find out.

I'm not sure why you are sounding so hyperventilated about this. Pick up the phone during office hours tomorrow and find out your court date and show up, with your lawyer ideally. I don't know what she's being so secretive about but the date of your court case is not a secret.

If she is or isn't pregnant with your or someone else's baby, you are going to have a devil of a time trying to make her keep it. Even if you were still happily married you would need to negotiate this together and agree on it together. If anyone has unilateral control over anything in a marriage, the mother and a pregnancy are about the ultimate. Not that it's fair, but it's reality.

I'm not sure either the court date issue or the possible pregnancy issue should have any effect on your DBing. But you should be at court, for sure, it's your right.

[Dewayne]

I am no longer DBing, or attempting to.

I don't want to talk about it, at least not right now, but please just know, I am in a very dark, hurt place right now...a nd I literally can't stop shaking. I don't know if it's because of this ... new stuff causing me so much pain or if i am diabetic and having problems but my body ssont' top shaking at hte moment.

I just... need to talk. need to do something. It's 4:11 am and I just got back from contemplating some very bad ideas..

I don't want anything right now but my baby girl. If I could grab her and let the rest of the world go to he11 I'd be fine. Stbxw can be the first to go.

i'll try to keep you guys updated, I'm sure I'll need to vent some more while healing.

[adinva]

((((Dewayne))))

You have so much to offer. Your life is much bigger than these traumatic events, and the best parts are yet to be written.

Your little girl's gonna learn how to ride a bike and read, and she's gonna hold your hand and tell you about her dreams. You will find happiness, within yourself. You will get through this cr*p.

Do keep venting here, it is the best place for that. There are so many people here who completely understand how you feel. Take care of you.

[Dewayne]

One of the many epiphany's I've had... after divorce and even when I can finally have the 50/50 schedule... that means half the time I will be losing... how's that equal out? I'll be missing 6 months of EVERY YEAR of her life. I'll be missing HALF OF HER LIFE as a child because of this.

One of the things she did say last night was that the main reason she's completely turned off is because of my behavior right after the break up. I told her "WTF do you expect? huh? I mean seriously, YOU act like your decision was about what freaking shirt to wear.

There's still something wrong with her, she's not right in the head. She's NEVER been like this, ever. never shown this kind of negativity, evilness, disheartened personality... none.

But again, I've decided to tell myself every few min's that it's done. Stop it. No more. Not worth it. Sick or not, doesn't matter. I need to say my family as I know it is now over. no more DB'ing. No more hanging onto hope. Nothing.

One of the things that triggered me hard last night, she admitted to after supposedly killing contact with OM... she slept with him again! AFTER we moved out... so taht means within the last 2 months. Not sure when, but it didn't matter. All the mind movies rushed back into my head.

Thanks for the support