Hi adinva, Sorry no I was not saying you were giving up. I was more asking if I should. I missed putting a question mark in an earlier post. Should have said: "So give up? Okay". I was earlier as well just noting that a lot of posts read like some are giving up...not you specifically. I think you and I have been doing this about the same amount of time...19 months or so. I am more recent to DB though.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
No " give up" I think, and this is what D B moves towards. Gradually the process of looking at oneself and making the realizations, seeing past behaviours and refusing to get sucked in, leads you to a place where you are okay to continue to hope for R and work towards R, but okay if you don't.
It's not a new path, it is the same one traveled with different eyes and a lighter heart.
At least this is where I feel I am going. That said, for whatever reason, when I realized this, everything got harder.. So there is no give up or dig in, there is just, at the end of the day, you.
FloydMan, if what you are doing feels like giving up to you, then don't do it.
To me, I'm still 100% working on my marriage. I'm working on it by feeling legitimate anger that my h has left me and his kids, and moving on from that anger in order to be a positive role model for how you deal when life doesn't turn out the way you wanted. I'm working on it, by respecting my H enough to think he really does want a divorce, and to respond carefully and authentically to his separation agreement (still working on my response actually). I'm working on my marriage by learning what it is to live in my own house and clean it up how I want it and set my own rules about where things go in it. I'm working on my marriage to remove the suffocation that was probably in my own head in the first place and to see my H as a fellow human who was sharing my space, not a monster who was constricting me.
I'm working on my marriage by getting ready to restrict my expenses, and budget, and live within tighter means so that my H can have the separate household he wants.
I'm working on my marriage by having a fantastic life, playing guitar, meeting new friends, sharing joys and sorrows with the people who've become close to me through this situation. By learning that I weigh what I weigh irregardless of my H, and have muscles irregardless, and function as an adult irregardless, and in this way learned to detach a lot of my day-to-day being and emotions from whatever I was decoding from his behavior toward me. I learned that codependent is a word that described me even though I didn't know what it meant.
I'm working on my marriage by accepting my H's decision, holding my head up, and preparing for a fantastic life without him. No bitterness, if I can help it.
I'm working on my marriage by really and truly not giving a single ounce of care to what my H is doing right now, who he's with, why he's there, or what he wants me to think about it. I'm way too busy, first of all, but I also know this is not a productive place to put my energy. I'm working on me, and in doing so I'm working on my marriage.
I would like, with every fiber of my being, to be able to say one day that we made it through hard times and stayed together. I am trying very hard not to do anything that would prevent that from happening. But I have no choice right now but to act as though that is not going to happen. I don't have a crystal ball, but our odds were not good right from the beginning. They're still not good. It is just not in my power to make this relationship come back.
I'm fully prepared to sell our house if needed, to make a clean break and show H that we are completely dissolved from each other. I won't like it, and I'm sure the selling of it will stir up lots of memories and regrets. But when it all boils down, it's the people that matter, and I'll still be me and still have my kids, and my dogs, and we'll have a good time in our new littler house somewhere. We'll be ok.
I don't see at all that I've given up. I haven't admitted defeat. I'm just learning that this isn't a war and no one's going to win it. The only winning is enjoying life and making the best of it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Bravo, ad!! I applaud your strong convictions of why you are still work on "it." You are right, in the end it is you and you only you will have to live with. You and you only that can find happiness from within. Everything/everyone else is icing on the cake.
You are amazing...I hope I can say 18 months that I worked as hard as you & held on as long as I could...and that in the end I saved myself. I found myself. I love myself. Unfortunately I have a long, long way to go before that happens.
I am soooo very thankful to have this place, b/c I feel like w/o all of you as inspirations I would not have the strength I need each day. So, thank you, ad!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
It sure is nice to read posts like that and hear people say my thoughts help to inspire them...but it is all positive energy and guidance that I received here first. I could have easily gone another way with my relationship and my life if I had not landed here and thought it was a good win-win kind of philosophy. I have had so much help here from reading vet and newbie posts, and people allowing me to bounce my opinions off their situations, and people willing to hit me with a 2x4. I am very thankful for this place too.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
AD, This literally brought me to a tear. Thank you! I will read it over and of again tomorrow too. You are so strong. My d10 just came to me and it is 11:30pm. She does not want to be with her mom again tonight. Not sure what happened when they went to bed earlier as I was with d14? My W made us all a roast tonight and ate together and I made dessert. She did my laundry. However we have not spoken since Dec 28 about finances and was not pretty. Gonna lay down with d10. Good night all.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Wow Ad, that post brought tears to my eyes too. Thank you because you shave really gotten me to think about what I can do for my marriage.
lots of love.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
. Probably would have saved some grief. Keep going because you are on the right path.