Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

Im a sobbing mess tonight:( Kids went out with H for dinner and shopping..apparently he got a bonus and he took them out to shop! Nice for them , but sad because its all he knows how to do with them anymore. He decided to tell them in the car ride that he is thinking about moving to AZ (we live in VA) and live there and work there with his Uncle. (This is the uncle he just went to visit and who took him to Mexico). Anyway, this upset the kids terribly and D14 was crying and texting me about it. I advised her that nothing is set in stone.

Now, to be honest, I would like nothing more than for him to move because selfishly, It would be easier for me if he was gone. But, I know my kids would be devastated and I feel for them. Here the thing...I KNOW he isnt moving there...no matter how crazy he is right now, I can almost guarantee that he isnt moving there! So, I think he told the kids that to get their sympathy...because he said to them that things here aren't going well and that they never see him and that my youngest never responds to his texts, etc...he also mentioned that I wasnt planning on letting him have a relationship with the baby. (not sure where he got this..but he wont be coming over and hanging out all the time..thats for sure!)

So, my sobbing tonight is directly related to my D crying. She is so sad about her dad and she keeps repeating over and over..."why did he leave?" "How could he do this?" "I just want him home." "I miss him." It breaks my heart to hear her say these things. I feel like he has robbed them of their fun teenage years already. She is sad all the time and it [censored] going through life with constant worries..I know, I live it every day! I also get sad that he can take them out and buy them stuff..handed them $120 each tonight to shop with and I cannot do that for them. Im broke! I cant be the disney world mom...and I hate that he thinks its makes what he has done better.

I just want to feel normal again...I want my family back and I am having a very hard time lately accepting that it will never be back.

I know a lot of you will disagree with this, but Im beginning to think that it will be better for him to NOT have any relationship with the new baby..he has already damaged 2 kids...why damage a 3rd? He will hardly see him and I wonder if it will be even more confusing to the baby as he grows up that there is this man that we call daddy that come and goes very infrequently...

I dont know....I know that children need 2 parents, but when one is so selfish and caught up in himself, could it be better that the baby doesnt even know him?

You all have been so supportive and have said such nice things about me and that I'm doing a great job with my girls...then I have a night like this where I Feel like I'm literally falling apart. I'm thinking it may be time to give up hope...even H said "there is way too much in the way of me coming home...don't think its possible" That was just last month he said that.

Also, D told me tonight that he was so busy talking about his cousins and his younger brother...weird...like he wants to be young like them again. BUT...why did he chose a OW who is almost 50?? (That is not old BTW..but older the he is!) I just don't get his logic?????? I don't think he even knows what he wants...All I know is that I want a man who wants a family, to settle down and do family things...and hang out together and laugh together...I love being a mom and a wife...and he is stealing away my happiness because I'm letting him.

What did I do to deserve this pain and sadness? I was nothing but good to him and our family and this is what I get? Im just so damn sad tonight...