loved the story about your trip with your son. Really goes to show its all how you look at things
I also just really "got" this idea of living with intention. It only took reading countless self help books for the past 20 months but it finally clicked and it has really helped me be happy each moment of the day.
Great list of things to work on buts sounds a bit ambitious to implement all at once.
Go easy on yourself you are doing a great job
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
AJM, you're right it is a journey, that is life with ups, downs, bumps and bruises. We just keep on keeping on.
BK, these are all things I was doing before when I was just trying to get through each day. As life got better, I got lazy. I won't push myself beyond my limits that's not what it's about.
It's taking time for me.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
S23 returned from Canada last night where was visiting his GF. We chatted on line and he's quite sad, and even tho I feel for him I was able to keep it in perspective-his feelings, not mine. I didn't obsess over the fact that he was sitting in his room at school being sad and lonely. He can handle it.
And I validated his feelings like crazy. I would never have gotten that as a teen or young adult. My mom would have said, "get over it, it's just a BF." my mother thought the only feelings we should have were those she told us to have, "be happy, you could have gotten nothing" "don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about" "stop frowning, what if your face would freeze that way"
By the end of the chat he was saying "I'll be OK, I'm just really sad right now."
Life is good and I'm happy that I can give my sons better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
As we were talking about the adventure one evening I realized that this is a parable on life. I have a plan but sometimes things happen and it's my job to make the best of those hurdles that are placed before me, not to immediately see them as roadblocks and that the Universe is conspiring against me personally.
It's just life and we each have a choice in how we approach it.
And now I know that I have the ability, the strength, the depth of character to create the life I want, not play the victim and rail against what others, or life in general, have done to me.
It is a gift.
And if I can change, anyone can.
Thank you Bug, I needed to read this today. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
And I validated his feelings like crazy. I would never have gotten that as a teen or young adult. My mom would have said, "get over it, it's just a BF." my mother thought the only feelings we should have were those she told us to have, "be happy, you could have gotten nothing" "don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about" "stop frowning, what if your face would freeze that way"
Wow Bug I love this insight. I hadn't thought about it that way. I will strive to keep this in mind when I talk with my kids.
Validated....what a wonderful way to grow up.
:-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Yeah Bug, that is good. I'm always so tempted to "teach" my boys from my vast stores of wisdom and life experience. I would want to cheer him up, help him put things in perspective, yadayada. What you did was so much better. You trusted that his emotions are legit and that he can handle them, and you listened. I want to do that!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Your mothers expressions were the same ones my mother used and still uses with me.
Those expressions provoked me to make nasty comebacks and also got me in the habit of using them myself. Now that I am validating my kids and not discounting their feelings our relationships have grown so much.
One of my DB coaches actually suggested a parenting book for learning how to speak to my H. Its a great book and I have used its lessons in all my relationships. How to talk so children will listen, how to listen so children will talk.
Bug, you have taught me so much from your own growth I wanted to point out an amazing article to you regarding forgiveness. I won't paste the link but if you look it up on NYtimes.com by Paul Tullis, Can Forgiveness Play a role in Criminal Justice
I read this article Friday and I have been thinking about it non stop. If parents can forgive the man that murders their daughter, can I or do have enough empathy to forgive my H? Also as they say in the article they are forgiving for selfish reasons, to save themselves and their daughter's legacy.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks, everyone...as you can see I didn't have good relationship role modeling as a child.
BK, I forgot the best one, "you've made your bed" ogod how I hated that. I've worked really hard to keep those out of my R with my sons. I've not been perfect but I knew I could be a different parent. And they are great young men.
Thanks for the info on the article, I'm going to go read it now.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
