I must be going mental this week. Now I feel like Im walking a fine line of MLC myself or total nervous breakdown.
Im to the point where Im so fed up with everything, and so fed up of having to be the "responsible one" that fantasies of me fleeing and doing what XH did sound very appealing.
I have moments of joy and things are going well, but Im just not satisfied with my life.
Im tired of everything being on my shoulders and Im getting irritable and an urge to RUN. All that I want to do seems like such an uphill battle, and a battle I must fight on my own, with no help from anyone.
I've been listening to music from my teens and going back to that time mentally where I was free, had a fire in my belly and the desire to go for what I wanted in life.
XH gave me an ultimatum when I was 19. Choose him and move back home or lose him forever. I obviously chose to marry him. Though I don't regret it, I now am having thoughts of "what would my life be like If I didn't choose him? What if I walked away?"
So practical me says " well nows your chance. You're not married and now you can re- invent your life".
The problem is, I am so exhausted from all that I've been through I find it very difficult to remain motivated and excited about life for me to be steadfast in what I want. I just want to give up.
Im absolutely not where I wanted to be at this time in my life.
I guess the only difference is that I know from experience that going nutts and taking off like a lunatic into outer space and hurt everyone is not what I want to do.
At the same time Im getting so overwhelmed and displeased with life I entertain thoughts of the FEAR factor.
F- F&CK E- Everything A - And R - Run.
What the hell is wrong with me?
All I feel I do is give, give and give and everyone takes and takes and takes. If that's not typical MLC talk I don't know what the hell is.
I know Im the only person I can depend upon to take care of myself. I think I know what I need to at least have a good start in helping me truly feel more joy and contentment for ME, but those choices are irrational and not be good for my children.
So... I guess this is the part where probably many MLCers get into fantasy thinking or blaming everyone else around them for their unhappiness and start running towards what ever "feels right". If it feels right, it certainly must be right they must think.
Well I'd love to quit my job and stay at home and finally get my house the way I want it. But I'd regret that when I had no money to pay the bills.
Sure a new relationship sounds fun and exciting. But after the infatuation stage calms down, there's reality.
Moving away sounds great, but that takes money I don't have and starting over in a job I probably wouldn't really like.
So here I go again. Im at point A, and have a vision what Point Z would be, being it all I've wanted. Now how to get through steps B - Y are the hard part.
