From Survivng to Thriving & backslides in between.

[~ kd ~]

[AJM]

Very well put, K.


AJ

[Kimmerz]

I must be going mental this week. Now I feel like Im walking a fine line of MLC myself or total nervous breakdown.

Im to the point where Im so fed up with everything, and so fed up of having to be the "responsible one" that fantasies of me fleeing and doing what XH did sound very appealing.

I have moments of joy and things are going well, but Im just not satisfied with my life.

Im tired of everything being on my shoulders and Im getting irritable and an urge to RUN. All that I want to do seems like such an uphill battle, and a battle I must fight on my own, with no help from anyone.

I've been listening to music from my teens and going back to that time mentally where I was free, had a fire in my belly and the desire to go for what I wanted in life.

XH gave me an ultimatum when I was 19. Choose him and move back home or lose him forever. I obviously chose to marry him. Though I don't regret it, I now am having thoughts of "what would my life be like If I didn't choose him? What if I walked away?"

So practical me says " well nows your chance. You're not married and now you can re- invent your life".

The problem is, I am so exhausted from all that I've been through I find it very difficult to remain motivated and excited about life for me to be steadfast in what I want. I just want to give up.

Im absolutely not where I wanted to be at this time in my life.

I guess the only difference is that I know from experience that going nutts and taking off like a lunatic into outer space and hurt everyone is not what I want to do.

At the same time Im getting so overwhelmed and displeased with life I entertain thoughts of the FEAR factor.

F- F&CK
E- Everything
A - And
R - Run.

What the hell is wrong with me?

All I feel I do is give, give and give and everyone takes and takes and takes. If that's not typical MLC talk I don't know what the hell is.

I know Im the only person I can depend upon to take care of myself. I think I know what I need to at least have a good start in helping me truly feel more joy and contentment for ME, but those choices are irrational and not be good for my children.

So... I guess this is the part where probably many MLCers get into fantasy thinking or blaming everyone else around them for their unhappiness and start running towards what ever "feels right". If it feels right, it certainly must be right they must think.

Well I'd love to quit my job and stay at home and finally get my house the way I want it. But I'd regret that when I had no money to pay the bills.

Sure a new relationship sounds fun and exciting. But after the infatuation stage calms down, there's reality.

Moving away sounds great, but that takes money I don't have and starting over in a job I probably wouldn't really like.

So here I go again. Im at point A, and have a vision what Point Z would be, being it all I've wanted. Now how to get through steps B - Y are the hard part.

[~ kd ~]

The difference of course, and you know it, is that you notice it in you, for what it is.

This is your time for transition. The point to remember is... you will keep your compassion and empathy intact.

[exquisitetobe]

Kim, i have been there... not sure if it is one of the LBS stage but it sure was one of mine.. Take a deep breathe and re-read your post... Your answer is there... You know right from wrong, you see the outcomes and you also know what impact it would have on others... YOU ARE NOT HAVING A MLC... You are aware... You are smart and you will get through with what is right and BEST for you and your kids... Hang in there.. The answers are in you...
For me, when i got really fed-up of all of this, is when i found my answers... It gave me strenght to make some changes cos i couldn' t live like this anymore...
I' m doing so well and i know you will to.. You have come alongggg way..

[AJM]

I agree with KD. I've been there too. Wanting to cut and run. Wondering why me? Why I'm the one that has to be responsible - alone. Wondering what would happen if I just up and left to start a new life the way I wanted to. Wondering what life would have been like if I had taken A instead of B.

I think that's the seeds of change, my dear. The desire comes before the first step. Change occurs from that. And its time you did start making some changes. Small, deliberate changes in the direction you want to go. Again

All it really says is you're not done with changes/transitions.

But think about it. You're not crazy. That's a great advantage. But you are re-assessing your life and you should. All the time.

You are lonely. You are not afraid. You are not without resources. You are very smart and compassionate. You are frustrated and angry. But you are not going to lie down and lose your mind

That's incredibly natural to feel that way, K. I feel it sometimes too. I have felt it this past year. It's new, but it's not unnatural and it's not as scary as you may feel.

You are still dealing with irrational ex, and otherwise have a lot on your plate. You didn't deserve any of it and you couldn't have seen it coming. He is stressing you and you don't have a great way to deal with it in the way your ego wants you to.

Wisdom doesn't come free. Neither does joy.

But you have the resources to see this through and come out much better than you went in. I see it.

Exquisite is right too. You wrote the answer.

Change isn't easy. If it was, everyone would look forward to it. But you can embrace it. You can let the rest of it go even more than you have. And you know you'll be ok. You know you'll have the chance to do what you want. You know you'll be able to let go of what you didn't plan for to get what you really want. And you'll do it with grace, dignity, and without hurting those around you that you love dearly.

I already know you will.

The feelings of wanting to run away will pass if you let them. I know, I've been there too. And when they do you'll be glad you felt them. It's part of reigniting that fire

Don't stay in the past too long, K. It's past for a reason. The future is where you need to be, and it'll be here soon. Take the small steps each day in that direction.

Peace,
AJ

[~ kd ~]

All it really says is you're not done with changes/transitions.

But think about it. You're not crazy. That's a great advantage.

[Kimmerz]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the wisdom and encouragement.

It's been a bad day. Just so much on my mind. Processing alot of things.

Sometimes life is just scary, and it changes faster than you can keep up with. All the death with the shootings going on has shaken me up. To top it off, an employee where I worked dropped dead during his shift last night. He was 50 years old and it was un expected. It wasn't in my wing of the building I work, but I knew who he was. We're really like a family where I work. So this is sad and scary. Never knowing when you're time is literally up.

However it doesn't make me want to go nutts thinking that today could be my last day!LOl.

Thank you for reminding me I haven't lost my marbles. Thank you for pointing out that this is transition, not CRISIS. It's becoming interesting...because Im personally going through what catapults a person into MLC. But Im dealing with it, not running from it.

It helps to hear you've been through this too.

I've been reading posts from REaching Higher. I admire her and how she's handled her sitch with her H. They seem to be reconnecting, and he seems to be peeking out of the fog a bit.

I wish I had her patience.

I wish my ego hadn't have taken such a beating through all this.

I wish my ego wouldn't turn me into Monster and I could be like RH in my sitch with XH. I do believe if I were like that, there would be a possibility of a legit reconnect with XH and myself.

However I realize I've worked VERY HARD at putting up walls to protect myself from him and anyone else. I don't like that at times I feel so threatned at the thought of someone getting close to me. Ha... how ironic. Xh said he felt so afraid of being rejected he couldn't get close to me so he pushed me away. Yet for the life of me I could NOT think of what I had done to make him feel horribly rejected. I wonder if he was projecting his "rejection" he felt by his life changing so drastically that he didn't know how to cope.

Oh Dear... things are getting pretty heavy here with the thinking. Time for an anti depressant and bed time!

[job]

Kimmerz,
We all go through transitions and the questioning of ourselves. It's normal, especially after a crisis has hit. We all get fed up w/what we are left to handle. God doesn't give us any more than he thinks we can handle. I have to agree w/the others, you are a strong, independent woman who will find her way and be a total success. Don't be so hard on yourself.

As for others reconnecting w/their spouses on the forum, no one knows how their situations will turn out. Each situation is different because the players and their personalities are diffeent, again, don't beat yourself up. Whatever God's plan is for you, he will reveal it when he is ready.

I think you've come a long way and are doing great, especially w/your xh still acting like a nut.

Hang in there!

[AJM]

Kimmerz, how goes it?


AJ