Hey Tori...thanks and ditto on the "being there for me"

So here's the latest / Journaling (venting / sobbing).
W struck up a convo. Still in the D direction. It hurts b/c I think of the true "potential" we each had and could have done if we each would have acted differently long ago. But that is what it is. It hurts worse b/c of the kiddos. It's not fair to them to not have an "intact" family b/c each of us ultimately failed to communicate / neglect the M. So now they will most likely have the whole 2 home scenario. I love those kiddos. Part of me feels as if we have robbed them / tainted their childhood. I know they (hope) they will ultimately be okay. I will do more than my best to ensure. I believe W will too.

During the convo, W let me know that not only did I make "wishing she was dead" type of comments (confirmed by SIL), but that I also evidently shoved her away from me. That night I became that with which I despise. It breaks my heart to know that I acted that way. I apologized to SIL once she confirmed those statements. I AM NOT THAT PERSON! Those that know me, friends, family, in-laws know I'm not a violent / aggressive person.

Finding out the confirmation, and the newer details, I have agreed to leave for a few days, and then she will later on in the week (kids never leaving). I would never want anyone I care about to be afraid of me. W proceeded to tell me that at the end of this month, she will try to find a place of her own / room for the kids. Evidently a family member will lend her a deposit / first months rent. I will then reside at the house full time til we can sell.

So right now, W and the kiddos are out playing at the fun place they were supposed to go to yesterday; and I'm straightening up the house and packing my belongings. Okay, actually I'm walking in circles trying to accomplish those tasks. I'll be leaving this evening shortly after W and the kids come back. I want / need to say bye to them for the few days I'll be gone.