At the end of September, just after we returned from a weekend in Lancaster, PA, I felt a sense of sadness encompass our home. H was closed off, working extra hours at work and going to bed early. I knew that he was feeling the increased financial burden with my unemployment ending at the end of December. When I would ask him about what was bothering him, he would say that he “was tired and very busy at work.” H kept working late, talk a few minutes and go to bed. I would end up staying downstairs, crying, wishing he wasn’t always working and had time for “us.” I have always felt guilty for the financial pressure he put on himself. To add to my sadness and insecurities, H took on another part-time job, lost his wedding ring and bought a new cell phone (he wanted it so he could use it for the Adirondack chairs he makes and posts to Craigslist, but also to text…said it was easier that on his other phone). I’ll admit that I became suspicious, even though H has NEVER lied to me or given me reason to question him, and started making comments. Finally, 2 weeks later, H said that he was “confused, upset, sad, and unsure of his feelings.” He also began saying that he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore and would shut down.
On 10/28/12, I had arranged for us to go out for our 7th anniversary. I knew it wouldn’t be to “celebrate,” but I was hoping to reconnect and talk. A few days before, I sent him a text saying that I was looking forward to “reconnecting” and later that night H told me he didn’t know what I was expecting by going out and “reconnecting.” On Sunday afternoon, I heard H's new cell vibrate in our room. Since he was expecting to hear back from a guy about a large furniture order, I grabbed the phone and it was a text…from a new female coworker. I read a few of the texts and when I did, H came up and I got upset and confronted him. I know that most of his friends are women and always have been, but I was upset by a few of the texts from her. I know he needs people to talk to, especially if he is stressed/upset, but this woman just started working with him around the same time the wedding ring was lost, the new cell was bought and I began feeling all the tension. I think what hurt the most was not so much that I thought he was having a PA, but he was confiding and getting close to another woman…the intimacy I was craving. H also has a good F friend, at work. They are such good friends, that our families have gone out together, attended parties.
The following week, I had been consumed by conflicting emotions…all signs pointed to H being unfaithful, but I wanted to trust him. Finally, I ended up logging onto his email. There I found IM chats with a few women—one that went on for a few months. She had also sent some very racy, half-naked pictures which he kept (still). I am devastated. Seeing what she would say to him and how he would respond to her, is burned into my brain. For so long now, I have wanted to rekindle our sex life, but every time I would be told he was “too tired or stressed.” Now, since he doesn’t trust me, I am sure he has changed his passwords and/or blocked me from logging in…and can I be sure if he is still carrying on these online relationships? I told him that I had to trust him. To me, these online relationships are definitely a type of cheating. The secrecy, the sex talk, the photos back and forth…especially when I am asleep or away/out with our son! For the first time in our 10 years together H doesn’t trust me and I am not sure I can trust him…and I want to with all my heart.
I love my H, S and our family and want to try and work out our issues. When we married 7 years ago, we made a commitment to each other and it is not one that I take lightly. I don’t want to be a doormat, but I know that there are things I can work on too…I am not 100% in the right here…I know that! The past 1.5 years have been completely traumatic and stressful, but it wasn’t until September when I began realizing there was a strain. H says he has felt different for about 2 years and was hoping things would change…I NEED TO KNOW WHAT he is thinking…I DESERVE to know. Becoming parents, having a home, mortgage, bills and family responsibilities are part of marriage. Yes, things change, but I believe they can also be worked on, but shutting me out from his feelings for 2 years and dumping this out now is so upsetting and not FAIR. I understand the “excitement and spark” can fade with familiarity, but I believe marriage is not just dating, where you can move on when times are rough. We have never faced anything like this before…sure we have had spats, arguments and a few days not speaking, but we always ended talking it out. Marriages have rocky parts, but I am commitment to working through our problems…for us, myself and Donovan.
BACKGROUND:
Since becoming devoted parents (2007) to a beautiful boy, and maintaining a family life and at the time two careers, we had less and less “couple time.” We would go on dates every few months, but we also enjoyed going places as a family, day trips, dinner, walking around the mall…just being together. We spent so much time as a family; we didn’t take time for each other. The last 1.5 to 2 years, I began missing the intimacy we once shared: frequent sexual contact, hugs and kisses, holding hands, and spending time with my best friend. We would talk about it and try and make time for us. When we talked about having another child, I was more excited than H… He was content with having only S, but agreed. Then a few months later I am pregnant, and we think I am having a miscarriage at 9 weeks, only to discover there are 2 babies…then identical boys.
Our family was nervously and anxiously awaiting the arrival of identical twin boys in the beginning of October 2011. H and I repeatedly talked about the expense of twins, but we already had all of S’s stuff and friends/family who were excited to help out. Our son was THRILLED to be a big brother and called the twins, “Thing One and Thing Two.” On Monday, July 18, 2011, I was rushed to the hospital with a rapid drop in blood pressure and was in critical condition. They were unable to stabilize my pressure, so they had to deliver the babies, via emergency c-section, at only 26 weeks, due to a spontaneous uterine rupture. While I was in surgery, H was told that all three of us might no make it. Michael, passed shortly after birth, but his brother, Gabriel, died in the NICU 32 hours later, in our arms. We held a graveside memorial a few days later, with family and friends.
H went into “super dad/husband” mode and took care of everyone but himself. He took a week off from work; made sure we ate, took care of S and juggled everything. When I would get upset at how he was dealing with the twins’ death, he would say he was sad too, but he cried in the hospital and at the memorial and he was “cried out.” I, on the other hand, was lost in my grief…slept with Gabriel’s blanket, looked through their memory boxes, read support books, etc.
I ended up seek support for us from a support group that meets monthly. It is made up of families that have also lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. H went for a few meetings and since I found it more helpful, I told him he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to. He was going to stay home with Donovan so that I could attend. I also was having frequent checks with my OB/GYN who was treating me (still is) with Zoloft (daily for PPD) and Xanax for the anxiety (as needed). I have also become good friends with 3 of the women and we have given each other support.
Around the same time that we lost the boys, while I saw still on disability, the school that I had been teaching at for 13 years laid me off. With the twins coming, H and I had talked about me working at the school, part-time, as an administrator rather than a fulltime teacher. This would not only bring in a salary, but keep us from paying for 2 infants in daycare. The school accepted my proposal and I was the “academic coordinator.” Due to the financial hardships the school faced, I was let go at the end of August 2011.
I know that my not working the past year has been a HUGE burden for him and very frustrating as well. He would get upset when I hadn’t sent out resumes or concentrated hard enough of finding work. With the money I was bringing home from unemployment and with the extra money I received from watching a few kids over the summer, we hadn’t really felt a big pinch…or so I thought. I know that I took H for granted and wasn’t as careful with money as I should have.
Since I lost my job and after loosing the boys, I lost part of myself and a lot of self-confidence. I kept thinking I didn’t have many skills to offer an employer and yes, I got a bit comfortable being home. Towards the end of the summer, I began feeling a bit better, talked to my OB/GYN about weaning myself off the meds soon (he wanted to wait until spring) and revamped my resume. Once S was back at school, I began working out at the gym 5 times a week, eating right (have lost 55 lbs) and sending out more resumes and now have a longterm temp job with definite possibilities.
OK...So here it is...I bought DB..read it through 2-3 times and have it dogearred and highlighted. I tried the 180, then got emotional and fell back into crying, pleading, begging, notes, cards, etc. We have been seeing a MC..twice on my own and I have been little changes...he is still sleeping on the couch and there has been no sex. I have seen some baby steps, but I was hoping to make connections with others out there in my situation.
**I think it is a few things, H never dealt with the twins passing...never forgave his father for his PA when married to H's mom...MLC...and we fell into "middle class" life and need to start over.
