Thank you thank you for the replies! I've been on a roller coaster of emotions over the past 6 months. I was in pure shock at first, then angry, then back to shock all over again when he brought up 12 years ago. This man has been an emotional brick for so long, for him to delve into his feelings and try to have insight was so touching to me! The man I married was vulnerable and loving and that lasted for many many years.
But I can sense that he has closed down over the past 12. I know I did also but it was a reaction to his neglect and being left with raising the girls. But I feel like I know the core man and this isn't what he wants. I feel deep down that it is a MLC. He obviously has/had unresolved feelings about 12 years ago that he didn't know how to process and it made him shut down. But we were still in love during that time, we still had fun times together and we still had a deep bond. It wasn't a married graveyard for that time, far from it. So I have to believe that he is STUCK.
I watch his posts on a chat website that he doesn't know I have the password to... I've done pretty well detaching but I need to drop this last really bad habit to be fully detached. It makes me feel like I know what's going on in his head though... but anyways, there was another poster just last week that was having marital problems and my H counseled this guy to get a book called 5 Love Languages (we read last winter when things were rough). He told the poster that he wished he'd read it 12 years ago and that he "couldn't forgive an unforgivable transgression" and that made him leave.
No, the reason you left is a girl named Christie... but it does point out that he's stuck. And if he's stuck after 6 months and doesn't want to be un-stuck, there seems to be little hope he'll figure it out on his own. I begged him in the beginning to get counseling, to get help. He did go on his own twice but that was it. He will always use work as a distraction. He loves his job more than his family. And now he'll be in his busy season again starting in February so this will just go on and on until he does the work.
And at the end of the day, I do believe someday he'll get it. But I personally think he'll be too proud to ask to be forgiven. And he'll miss the last few years of his daughters at home. He hasn't seen them for a month, was supposed to have plans with them today but cancelled to work instead (all this extra work has always been optional). So as a very dedicated mother, can I forgive someone treating my girls like that? Even if it's someone I love deeply?
