When tapestries of life get tangled in the loom.

[25yearsmlc]

Hello,
I'm just posting to let you know what I'm doing. I'm back from France now.
I asked in a one line email if I could have my S for two hours tomorrow.
Answer : no, Monday would work better, what will you do and what will you feed him ? (I won't expand here on my unbelief of why she can't give me S on a Sunday, like he was busy...)


It's not "your day" (yet --not until something is worked out by the courts)

so you were asking HER for a favor, i.e., to change HER schedule and your son's.

SHE may have had plans that involved son

OR would require a change for HER to meet your request. She is allowed to have that issue and it's not just your son who is affected by the request.


So, again, in a one line email (No 'Hi W, how are you, hope you're doing good" type of thing, no good bye or signature either), I said : play with him and cook mashed potatoes, tomato, carrots, chicken and fruit yoghurt for dessert.
ask your lawyer how much information you HAVE to provide to her...

I'm not telling you to be a jerk, but why not let just her know you'll "be mindful of his digestive issues" and leave it at that?

- It is a 180 for me to not write as often. There was already little or no phone calls.
- It's only about S. To agree on visit times she allows.

good-that won't hurt.


- It's obviously very concise, and almost too much to the point. Another 180.
- No hello, no good-bye, no name at the end. Only one line emails. Kinda rough really.

it shows detachment, which you need. No pursuit for now.


I read on this forum about the need of the WAS to have the loss feeling, and feeling she missing out on a great guy that has changed.

so, how are you showing her that you're a great guy who has changed?


After her declaration, I got wounded and I have emotionnaly detached big time. And I let her know that I let her go if that was what she decided.

I'm not sure how you "detached," other than being angry. I know you told her you'd let her go IF that's what she wanted. But most of your actions contradict those words so if you meant them, your actions must match up.

So maybe it is time for me to stop being so nice, agree-able and smiley and available, and writing nice emails and stuff.

WHY CHANGE? B/C you have not gotten her back yet? That proves that your "changes" are fake. You're still manipulating and trying to get specific results YOU want. You are NOT letting her go as you just said you would.

Do you see that?

So why be nasty to her now?

True, You are pulling back. Good. You ought to pull back, and keep it short when you communicate. But I'm not sure what you mean about how "NICE" you've been to her...

When YOU think you are "being nice & agreeable" & chatting more, you are really just pursuing her b/c you want her back. That's still all about what YOU want, again.

What good would being mean or nasty do you? Or your son?

She wants space and freedom. With that space and some legal changes AND custody changes--she'll see the results and consequences of the choices she made.

Let that happen.



Am I swinging the the swing too far in ther opposite direction now?
Is it the right way to go ?

No it's not. Plus you're very VERY impatient. Your "changes" have not existed nearly long enough for her to notice. How long has it been that you've been doing 180s? A month? Less?

Yet you already want to change course.

This shows how superficial the changes are, b/c they're all surface things. And when you don't get IMMEDIATE rewards, you want to quit or punish or change direction.

I know this hurts, but come on Bruce, stick with it.



Also, to finish the topic about my feelings after her declaration, we say in France that an exageration is a half lie. Now, I know that the lawyer must have swollen the whole thing, but still, she agreed and signed it at the end.
It doesn't matter, I am not like this, and I won't lower myself in recalling all the petty things she did and tell on her.

If you brag about how you won't stoop to her level, you are stooping to her level. AND If it's not relevant to child custody, it's really not worth mentioning.

Here's what you need to understand about divorce in Canada...QUOTE:

"The only way you will be granted a Divorce in Canada is if you can prove to the courts that your marriage has broken down and cannot be repaired. Currently, there are three ways your can legally prove a marriage breakdown. That is by completion of a one year separation from your spouse or providing valid proof that adultery or abuse occurred. Most Divorces in Canada are granted based on the completion of a one year separation – this is called a “No Fault Divorce”."

Bruce, your wife & you have been separated for a year now, so NO fault grounds are needed. And if she wanted to cite fault, she'd have to go for the abuse and the pushing her out of the car MAY qualify, as might the food issues.

But she doesn't sound interested in claiming fault grounds,

BECAUSE she said things about you two not having enough in common & it being irretrievably broken. So her version of marital events is legally irrelevant, as is yours.

Do you understand what I"m saying? None of it matters, LEGALLY, even if it hurts your feelings...it's NOT an issue for the courts.



For one thing, I don't want her to feel the way I felt when I read hers. And second, it won't matter to the judge if she was mean or not anyway,


CORRECT...IMO, There's never a good reason to go the nasty route. In fact, being nasty now will only make her choice to leave, look smart and valid.


I'll stick to my coming all the way, yes to reconcile and yes to have my son. No more no less.

Comments? Insights? Advice?
Merci beaucoup.
Bruce.

Forget TALKING about reconciliation or "being open to it" now. For NOW, focus only on your son.

At least ACT AS IF you are moving forward and assuming you'll be a single father until MUCH later....

b/c she won't fear losing you if she thinks you're still TRYING to get her back and she'll see every "change" you are making

as yet another ploy to get her back.

Instead, Make this about you being the best Bruce you can be, the best pere you can be, and a man only a fool would leave.

But the more you pester her and seem controlling

the easier it'll be for her to NOT miss you.

You want her to miss the fun, smart, witty, LOVING man you were before your ego and pride were wounded.

Be that guy. Let her miss THAT guy and as she sees you becoming a good father, she will HAVE to wonder about the costs of losing you...


See, if you're a jerk to her - then you probably won't get much custody...and she'll never know what type of father you could have become.

But when she sees that you really are a good dad AND that her reasons for leaving you were valid before, BUT ARE NOT VALID NOW...b/c you really are a different man,

THEN she'll fear

1) losing a great guy AND

2) having some OW helping to raise her son.

Let her fear that..without you pointing it out or bringing it up...(ever...)

but The more you insist you are still trying to reconcile, in the face of her divorce papers AND her claims that you don't care about the boy - but just winning her back,

the more it'll all look as if the "father thing" is a charade-

and all you still want is HER

and that this is all really about you not losing the "competition"...

it'll appear as if she's not even who or what you love,

Winning is.

And Bruce, there are moments I fear that this is true, that all you really want is not to lose or be the rejected party.

Stay the course but drop the "reconciling" part for now. You can be open to it, internally. But stop advertising it.

She KNOWS you want her back.

What we're trying to get YOU to see, is that you'd have a much better shot at it-

if she believed you cared more about your son, than you care about winning.

Please make this^^^ the TRUTH.

Make sense?