My husband of 10 years filed for divorce a month ago 12/5/12 We have 2 sons, ages 4 and 8. I am a SAHM..(I do work part-time from home) We are not separated and going to therapy....but....
Backing things up--late August, he said he was unhappy, felt trapped, wanted to pursue outside interests, have less housework and home responsibilities, didn't love me any more, and wanted to go to counseling. He had gone twice on his own and asked me if I would go on my own before going together. I did--the counselor said that he thought we had more good than bad...and 6 sessions would be enough to get us back on track. After that H didn't follow up--didn't like that response I guess.
I was so suprised--though we weren't really connected, we have an active happy family life, and we don't argue or fight. (problem!) Any conflict or problem we might have, he usually just expresses no preference, agrees with me or if he does oppose, backs down easily and with a smile. He basically does anything to avoid conflict or distress. H is the kind of guy who never gets mad, almost always seems in a pleasant mood, such a "nice guy".
I had long ago gotten used to being neglected, and a low priority to him....he's pretty independent/isolated, has no friends, no close relationships (not even with his parents), he is friendly with my girlfriends' husbands, and enjoys socializing, but doesn't make friends of his own. Prefers computer games, going to the gym, playing the guitar on his own.
Over the years I have been disappointed, moody, complaining, begging for attention and expecting him to make me happy. 2 years ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer and became consumed with her care as she got worse and died 8 months later. I was overwhelmed with taking care of my then 2-year-old and kindergartener, my mom, the house...everything...but came out of this experience realizing life was short and I was responsible for my own happiness. So I slowly began to change-- I forgave my husband (in my mind...) for all of his neglect and insensitivity and felt great! Started to appreciate him and was grateful for him.
Anyway--when H requested the freedom, and the counseling, I was immediately game, and excited for it. So began what I thought were the 4 best months of my married life. We were talking more, the sex was great and much more frequent, H explored new interests, was appreciative of my taking over all of the housework to give him some down time, we were physically very affectionate...
Then out of the blue that morning of 12/5/12 H says he is going to file for divorce that day, and that he has been "faking" everything for the past few months, he is done lying and trying to please me. He is miserable, and my resentment and anger over the years had affected him to the point that he feels like he's going to have a heart attack from stress. Agrees that everything has been harmonious and improved for the past few months, that I am a different person in many ways, and acknowledges that he believes I am committed to continued improvements, yet he can't let go of my past anger and resentment.
He was planning on leaving that day...but I convinced him to consider the boys...I think he hadn't thought things through...and he stayed...slept in the basement. We found a counselor we both like and have been going to him for several weeks. H says that he cannot see a full restoration of the marriage, he is willing to be open to that, but it is very unlikely, he really does want OUT.
He also confided to me that over the years he has been self-harming himself by punching himself and cutting his ankles with a knife to relieve his emotional pain. I do remember him having to go for x-rays on his hand which was not healing but he said it was a gym injury.
I feel deeply compassionate for his pain, and want above all else to save this marriage for the sake of our sons, and for the sake of ourselves. Right now we are focusing on his angre and resentment towards me in counseling...and building communication skills. I have always dreamed of a great relationship with him---and here I was thinking we were finally getting there...
So here is a rundown of where we are:
-we are going to weekly counseling -H is in the house -we are talking and doing things as a family -H kisses me hello goodbye, goodnight, hugs too--whether kids around or not -H says he doesn't want to send mixed messages, or raise my hopes...wants to be honest -My birthday was 1 week after he filed for D. a few days before--he asked if I managed to get the sitter so we could go out to dinner as planned. I was super confused. Said why? I said I wanted him to be honest, not do things out of obligation--and said he did not have to get me a present, that I would understand. We did not go out to dinner but H got me a present and said he enjoyed doing it. -I bought xmas presents (before the D filed) for H and bought some for myself and said that he was not obligated to buy me anything, I would have presents under the tree already, and be thrilled with them. H went out and bought me 4-5 little things anyway. very well-chosen and thoughtful gifts. --New Year's eve we went out with friends, came home, drank champagne together, and H got up walked across the room and kissed me very sweetly at midnight. --we sit together at night watching tv, chatting, share meals together, laugh with the kids, sharing our days, take them places, go out with friends as if nothing is amiss--then he kisses me goodnight before he goes down in the basement to sleep. --over xmas he slept in our bed for "the kids" no sex or anything else. --he sleeps in our bed on the weekends for the same reason. --he doesn't think therapy will work. --he lies quite a lot--hiding things--saying my angry reaction makes him lie. I don't trust him. --I caught him in a few lies and confronted him gently kindly and with compassion, no yelling or tears, he lied anyway...finally came clean...and he said my reaction was very good--didn't cause him stress.. he appreciated it. --no OW but has developed an online friendship with a happily married friend. She shares his sense of humor and "gets" him in a way I don't he says.
I was supposed to reply or respond to the divorce complaint by today or in the next few days. I told him I would not agree to divorce. Period. He can get a divorce anyway in our state if he pushes it through...he said that he would not be doing that. He said there is no "time limit" but he wouldn't push it through unless we had a huge fight--and he would let me know--I asked him--no more bombshells, and he agreed...but he would not be cancelling the divorce complaint. In six months if he doesn't pursue it further, it cancels itself.
Some days I think we are progressing...we talk, do exercises the therapist suggests, practice better communication skills...but he says it's not enough. We are harmonious, friendly, and cooperative. He texts me and messages me from work every day. Yet he does not love me. Says being married to me would be platonic at best...yet says he is open to the possibility of something more...not optimistic though.
Some days I see we have no hope at all. H says he respects, admires, likes, and appreciates me as a friend, mother, person--but he does not love me and probably never did and doesn't want anything from me.
Would like to coparent in a positive manner. The divorce outlined his wishes to see the boys here at the house every day for dinner as a family and tuck them into bed then he'd go "home" and have them every other weekend. I did say that I didn't see him being in my house for 3-4 hours every weekday living as a family being a realistic outcome. He said "okay" but seemed sad.
I have read Divorce Remedy--I don't even know what to do. I am very active socially and have my own life o utside of the marriage, I have a "life". we are not fighting and we are talking a lot and getting along. But he is not committed to saving the marriage...he is going for the kids on the splinter of hope he might change his mind, but he doubts it.
I range from devastated to terrified to numb. Mostly numb. Some days hopeful. H says he is depressed.
What on earth do I do now? I am Confused beyond belief...
sorry this is rambling and disjointed. I did my best.
