Walking the path to my own happiness

[FloydMan]

He acted like he did not have a care in the world? He does. It is his 180 perhaps. When 2 people are doing a 180 without the other knowing it, does that not make a 360? Perhaps that is what I am going through. Where does it end then?

[mamabird]

Today, I feel like I could use some help staying positive. Yesterday was a really down day for me, the first I've had in a while. I don't know whether it was the moon, or what, or me just coming to grips with the reality of my sitch.

Most of me feels like it's time to let go and move on. I feel trapped here in our current sitch without my own space. H is filling up the refrigerator with his bachelor food and it bugs me. He is becoming like the most annoying roommate in the world, eating dinner on what used to be our bed. I haven't said anything about it, but it's hard not to be annoyed. I just want him gone.

Then I start thinking about why he keeps hanging around. A little part of me says that he thinks that there's still a shot at repairing the R, but since every time we went to MC he would make the situation seem worse, I can't really bank on that. He has been taking more responsibility around the house lately, which is good, but I'm certainly not reading into that for more than what it is.

I get that we've reached the point, and DB would support this, where it's time for LRT and "moving forward" so to speak. I took my wedding ring off, I want freedom. So why do I feel so guilty about it?

I spent some time reading other sitches about seriously cheating wives and it makes me a little angry - like I've been raked over the coals for practically nothing (in comparison). I know I can't dictate what's important to my H or how he should react or feel, but it makes me think that there were some other factors in play. The way my H reacted to all of this makes me think very seriously that he's not the man I want to be married to. Most of what he does makes me think that. So many of you here say how much in love you are with your WAS, how you'd do anything to get them back. I don't think that and I'm not saying that now. I felt it at first but I can see now that it was mostly driven by fear.

I also read Bustorama's recent post saying that a good many of the sitch's here that have ended in R have benefited from time apart, where the LBS went dark. It was helpful. My friends in real life have been supportive of the move towards S. I guess I just feel cheated in some way. I screwed up, that is for sure, and I have tried my best to make amends and repair the damage. But H won't accept that and it is going to be a long road ahead to come to grips with the fact that he is unwilling to even try to forgive.

I tend to take that personally and I have to remind myself constantly that it's a defect within him; instead of begging for his forgiveness, I want to be stronger and tell myself, "If he won't or can't forgive you, it's on him. You've done as much as you can to try to make it right." In a way I feel like this is a continuation of the control game that he tries to play... withholding as punishment. At first it was emotional availability, then approval, now all of that + forgiveness. Please support me, I see so clearly that I need to get away from this toxic dynamic.

[Breakdown]

First off Regret, you know we're all here to support you and we all want you to be happy. You are a good person, you are stronger than you realize and you have grown a lot. Take comfort in that. No matter what the future holds, it won't be the same as the past.

With regards to the other sitches, cheating and such, I completely get what you are saying, but I see both sides of that clearly. The fact that you know exactly what happened and how does not mean your H does, and even if he did, and did believe it (which he won't), you still can't minimize it or compare it to others. All you do is figure out why, change that dynamic, and be who you want to be.

Your comments about being in love with the WAS, I don't think that's entirely fair to everyone here. I think we all resist divorce immediately out of fear. For me, yes, I love my W...but I don't love the way she's treated me for the last 6-7 years, especially the last couple. As much as I want to R, I will not be treated the way I was the last couple of years, regardless of my own shortcomings. She'll have to change too for it to work.

[2chiquitos]

Feeling sad is very normal because you have reached acceptance. Accepting that you do not have control of your sitch. This is part of detaching.

You are doing great!! Continue with your journey!

[labug]

How can one person quantify what another is feeling? That's as if you and I both break a leg,I have a high pain tolerance and call you a wimp when you complain that it hurts. You can't compare these things because the experience of pain, emotional or physical, is unique to each of us.

Why do you feel guilty? Maybe that would be a good topic for journaling. You must have some thoughts on it.

[dorightman]

My mom told me that one person in a Relationship has to give. It looks like neither one of you are willing to give. Stalemate.

I have to remind myself, and it took me awhile to realize that the LBS does have options. We can choose to leave and GAL.
I know you don't think you should have to leave the house, I felt the same way and was advised not to by everyone here, but I now think that it may be beneficial to the R. You always have that option if H won't go. It will give you peace of mind, freedom, time to regain your strength , and time to heal and get more clarity.
It will also give that to your your H.

You really do need to look at this as a marathon. I understand how hard it is, set your time frame, maybe 6 months? look for the baby steps....

[mamabird]

My mom told me that one person in a Relationship has to give. It looks like neither one of you are willing to give. Stalemate.

At this point, I feel like I've gone in a complete circle. The problem is, when I do give (like I was doing a few months ago), I just end up getting stomped on. Right now I'm just trying to be neutral. If he came to me with any sort of olive branch I'd be open to it, but trying not to be the pursuer here anymore.

Feeling sad is very normal because you have reached acceptance. Accepting that you do not have control of your sitch. This is part of detaching.

Thanks Vero. It helps to understand why I was feeling so sad all of a sudden.

You can't compare these things because the experience of pain, emotional or physical, is unique to each of us.

Very true. I clearly understand that my H has a very low tolerance for anything that threatens his ego, and this incident was in his mind a blow to his ego. I don't know that I would have reacted same if he had done same to me; therein lies the disconnect, and we both feel that the other's reaction is inappropriate. I can't deny him his feelings about it, but the fact that I thought he overreacted is part of the problem.

It will give you peace of mind, freedom, time to regain your strength , and time to heal and get more clarity.
It will also give that to your your H.

I do need this, however it is accomplished... but I can't leave the boys, so if I leave, they are coming with me, which would be horrible for them, because then they'd be uprooted too. H promised to leave, now I just have to hold him to that.

Today, H was back to his old crappy self. He was disrespectful at least 3 times, once when I said I was concerned about his food choices (lots of cheese and meat etc), once when we were discussing the kids playing with a radio and then the last one was him saying "What are you so dour about?" (I wasn't saying anything, just wishing at that moment that he would leave). All 3 times I either told him he was being disrepectful or I just ignored him. In a way it's comforting to have him being such a jerk because that's the way he's always been. My DB coach said that the WAS tries to push the LBS's buttons and he certainly was doing it today.

[mamabird]

One more thing that came to mind today - I don't think H has really ever had a "big" relationship before me. We never really discussed it, but as far as I know, he hasn't. Not that I really did - I had one R that lasted 5 years before H. And that R was equally dysfunctional in many ways. I probably learned nothing from it, which is totally my bad...

Anyway, just another piece of the puzzle...

[mamabird]

Had an interesting thought this morning. I'm thinking about my current situation like being in the ocean. The ocean has waves that are more powerful than you. If you just float and go with the currents, the ocean carries you along. Or, you can choose to try to swim against the current, but at some point, you're going to get awfully tired, and you could drown.

I guess I'm thinking it might make sense to try and go with the current for a while. No more fighting the tide so to speak. At this point, if H and I disagree on ANYTHING (literally anything) it's a sign to him that we need to break up. He's probably thought this for some time, maybe our entire marriage. Neither of us has been especially good with accepting the other person's POV, which is probably why I never felt heard or accepted!

So... floating along and seeing where the currents take me...

[mamabird]

I've noticed that H refuses to look at me when I talk to him, especially if I'm telling a story.