CV, I do believe you have made changes within yourself over the time you have been here, and that is great.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
So perhaps that's the answer to the question of what I get out of the M: not having to give up time with my S12.
This is a very important statement.
I do understand that you want to make the best of your life, under the circumstances. I would submit we all want to support you in doing that.
In in all fairness, I would submit that we are here for more than to help you make the best of your circumstances, rather to help you make your circumstances even better, that you do not have to work on keeping things from getting worse.
I don't want to see you survive in your M (what ever the future may bring), I want to see you THRIVE in your M.
I also know, that is not what you want.
What is clear is, you do not want to loose time with s12, that would be more painful for you than the conflict you have with your H. And you do not want to get into conflict with your H, because that would be more painful than living in a disconnected way with your H, that you are currently living.
So, what you really want is, a way to reduce your pain.
That, is understandable.
We have a saying here: The only way PAST it, is THROUGH it.
The two things that you really want, are conflicting with each other. That certainly leads you to frustration. Frustration is more pain and you want to avoid pain. That's your cycle.
I can not tell the future, but I can tell you confidently, what you resist, persists.
Until that pattern is broken, it will continue. This is no one's doing but your own.
So I can tell you that, as you continue down that path, you will be D once your S graduates, because nothing will change. Your innate patterns will continue. And they will continue with your H, or any new partner, and it will continue with you, even if you decide to live the rest of your life, alone.
This is a natural and normal way for you to live, and that is OK.
It is about knowing this in yourself, that you can act accordingly and know that you are doing things because of this, within you. Keep being you, just know that you can do things differently at any given moment.
I don't see you being at peace, I see you conflicted. That is sad. Often, we rationalize this by saying, "it is what it is". The reality is, it does not have to be what it is.
