I feel like my marriage is a complete failure. I don't know if this will ever be repaired. Yet another fight after a few good weeks. We had a really good week Xmas, New Year's, got along, lots of laughing...I did my utmost to steer clear of any "us" conversations, kept it light, was grateful for the little things. But honestly, sometimes I'm just fed up. Today I'm to the point where I feel like leaving, for a little while, I don't know - just escaping this bs.

Just had another argument/fight about money and ended up arguing about how much I pay vs how much he pays in bills, etc. He's acting stressed out and aggressively talking about how he's so poor now because our rent is "so high". I agreed with him about the rent, but added that it's the way we both have been spending that gets us into trouble. He vehemently disagreed with me, talking over me, etc - next thing was how he "can't even afford new work clothes, or a new pair of shoes". Which is not true. So big deal, we disagreed on those things. It turned into a full blown argument about who pays what, and ended with him telling me that when we move into our next place in a few months (lease will be up here) that I can either do X and Y or "be on my way". I've just freaking had it with feeling like I'm his roommate he can speak to any way he wants. I told him to watch the way he speaks to me, that I don't work for him, that I'm his wife. And that I'm not going to listen to his talking at me or telling me how I will do things.

He ranted about how he's giving me an ultimatum. (to be honest I don't even remember what the ultimatum was, it was something to do with our rent situation and showing him the bills I pay each month in some kind of itemized way). I told him the only time he wants to see bills that way is when he's yelling or angry.

I told him I'm tired of being spoken to as if I'm his roommate, and that I treat him very well, and with respect. I don't ask him for things, and I'm kind to him. If he wants to leave, he can. I said
"if you're so miserable and want me to be on my way so bad, why are you still here?"

He replied, "well I've been sleeping on the couch for 3 months, so you can see where I'm at on that", or something.

I told him "I've had just about enough of this". And then he left the house.

I know he said it out of anger, but I am absolutely fed up with this one-sided crap. His drinking more, acting like he doesn't love me these past few months, no sex, no I love you, the lack of affection of any kind, all of it. And I get to be a better person for dealing with it better.

More getting a life starts today. I'm sorry that this sounds so angry, but I am. I am constantly doing the best I can, but quite honestly I don't even know if this person I'm married to is going through a MLC or just simply doesn't respect me anymore. I don't know if it even matters.

I know we're taught to take care of ourselves here. To do things for us. But on the other times we're together, he behaves nicely and does kind things for me, treats me with respect (as you would a friend, anyway). Seems a lot more interested in me than he was a few months ago. Just not in any romantic way.

I'm angry and hurt. And I don't know how to be a wife to him, while pretending this doesn't eat me alive. Separating from his behavior has been challenging, but I think I've been doing ok. Until days like today when I absolutely feel devastated by his lack of concern for us or for me.

I feel like I'm married to a very self involved, self serving person right now. All he can see is himself and what he doesn't have, as opposed to how good he really does have it.

I just really needed to put this down. I may not be the healthiest person in the world, and deal with everything the way I could, but it's a hell of a lot better than chasing him down today to tell him more of what I think of him.

I just want him to appreciate me again. To tell me he loves me. I miss having that. I have friends who give me more affection and love than he does. I suppose those are the people I should be talking more to. I just don't want to burden people with this stuff, it's personal!

I'd love any advice or feedback. This BB has been incredible with suggestions, and I've taken many of them. I guess I'm just having what feels like a bad backsliding day.