Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

I havent written in awhile..thanks to those who chimed in to say hello and give encouragement! I was having some really bad, down days last week and was just plain sad:( H was in Mexico living it up with his cousins (in their young 20's) and not even considering and responsibility. In the meantime, I was here, taking down Christmas stuff, planning my baby's room, and taking a 3 hour glucose test (praying for no Gestational diabetes) and taking care of my girls, who were heading back to school. Basically being a mom. I was bitter...I admit it freely.

I still think about how he thinks this is the best scenerio for our family...and I have to stop. I will never heal if I cannot get past this..and I know it. I realize that you guys are right, that Im not back at square one, but I just feel like I take so many steps back sometimes and then get in a rut of feeling so betrayed. I just dont know if the betrayal feeling ever goes away. Do you ever really get over being left for another woman? Not only was I just left, I was literally kicked to the curb while pregnant and left to fend for myself and my girl all alone. H has never once since he walked out of this door asked if he could come back to help me in any way..no yard work..no getting stuff from attic...no help clearing out guest room to make baby's room etc...and I get sad that these things dont cross his mind.

I am 31 weeks pregnant now...big belly, low energy and tons to do before baby arrives. I mean, I still havent even picked a name yet, although I think I have narrowed it down to 4 names! My girls dont like them all and I really wanted them to have a say too..especially in our situation. They are getting excited, as am I, but I cannot stop the train of thoughts that come along with having a new baby with a man who is sleeping with a woman about 2 miles from my home. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for my son too...who will never know the dad that my girls did.

I do believe most days, that my H is too far gone now to even recover our M. He has done some awful things and I think he knows that he has done them. Im not saying he is sorry for them, but he knows he has screwed us and he cannot turn back now. I know him well and when I think of this, I wonder why I even think about R. Its because I love the man he used to be. He should be living this life with me and my girls.

On a brighter note, I took my girls last night to Maryland to see an ice sculpture show and it was fun! It was ABSOLUTLY FREEZING..but fun! We hung out at a fancy hotel for the evening and watched a pretty cool fountain show and ate some apps and stuff. My nephews and sister in law (my side of family) went with us! Today I have successfully cleaned out the rest of the baby's room closet and removed last of the stuff that was in there as guest room and am ready to paint! I bought the paint yesterday and its gonna be a pretty blue! We are doing the Eric Carle theme (Im not into big themes but this is a very simple theme..not too cutesy) Mostly the Hungry Little Caterpillar! Its gonna be super cute! Im trying to prepare without H in mind, but of course this is a big change about to happen and I cannot help to think he should be here painting with us and planning with us. I really dont think he knows what he is missing.

How can any woman be more important to him than the happiness of his kids???

Anyway, Im trying to keep positive! I had a lot of fun last night and also took lots of pictures too! I am really into photography and scrapbooking and its like the last half of my 2012 didnt exist due to lack of pictures. I took a lot yesterday and have been having the kids take belly shots of me too so I can always remember my last pregnancy, even though its been a sad one.

Aventinus mentioned in an earlier post on here that both H and OW know their R isnt going anywhere..but honestly, knowing my H's insecurities and low self esteem, he will cling to her as long as he can and they both claim to be in love. Im sad to say, I dont have much hope for us R. I hate to be negative and hope has gotten be this far, but its been 5 months of him being gone and there has been NO word of R and NONE of him trying to move toward me in any way:(

I trudge through everyday for my girls and my baby boy...knowing that they need me. I pray and try to believe that there will be a light someday...everyone tells me there will be. But, everyone also told me that H and OW would never last and they seem to be fine:(

Have a happy weekend...I know that getting my baby's room done does make me happy and next weekend is a 4 day scrapbooking retreat that Im going to ....so lots of GAL to be done. Honestly, I feel like that is all I do lately..is GAL!!! I may need to slow down:)

SB