Carole how are you going to go dark with him still in the house? My H said the same thing about MC. I think my only way is for me to leave this time. Not tell him where I am. Only commuincate with my kids through my sister. He pays for the cell phone so I would just leave that and get a basic talk and text one. That would be the only way I could go dark completely. I hope he comes to his senses for you! If you ever figure out why they are so stupid please share
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
Carole, Why must YOU leave...he should leave if he is unwilling to stop communication w OW.
I have to say that since H has moved out it is easier for me in that I don't have to wonder if he is communicating w her right under my nose. That was sooo stressful. I know he is comm. w her/ even planning a future w her (he told me).
I agree going dim is the best option. My comm is now limited to talk about the kids only, unless he initiates convo otherwise.
Good luck, Carole. And, yes, I can always use a buddy!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Hi Carole, nothing you say and nothing other people say will have the effect that your simple actions will have. Go dark, don't say you're going to, just do it.
Other people shaming him, such as his daughter, will most likely cause him to dig in more, and further justify his actions to himself.
Just give him lots and lots of space to stew in what he has created.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi Carole, nothing you say and nothing other people say will have the effect that your simple actions will have. Go dark, don't say you're going to, just do it.
Other people shaming him, such as his daughter, will most likely cause him to dig in more, and further justify his actions to himself.
Just give him lots and lots of space to stew in what he has created.
Agreed, that's why keeping others out of the sitch is best. H will blame any negativity he receives from others as all your fault.
Go dark and ask others who know about the sitch to button it. Stop telling them details.
Protect yourself and build a happy life without him.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
On Wednesday, H got a phone call from the OW. Upset me big time, and set the tone for the rest of the day. I tried to explain how I feel with thier continueing contact...that I can't heal, that I don't believe what he says etc.I also said I was almost ready to give up. When he left that night to go to work, I barely got a kiss goodbye.
Thursday : he called twice, talked about minor things, then at the end of the conversation..he said I love you...
Friday, I went to a funeral, a quick visit with my parents, kid stuff, dealt with my heart broken daughter, ( I made an appointment with the dr to get her counselling as she needs it big time),etc...I had no contact with him, I never called or texted him etc. Went dark...as you can see by my previous posts. Re-read the DB book, and any other book about affairs that I had.
Today I get a text from him saying he thought it was going to be different, that I would be calling and texting more..( as we talked about earlier last month), but that he was mistaken.That he hadn't heard from me in days except when he called.I wrote back how much it hurt knowing they were in contact again, and that it was his actions...not mine. That I know what it is she is trying to do, what she still wants, what I think he wants and feels, (to remain friends), but that it kills me and hurts me..too much.He said that he and her had thier last contact yesterday and it wasn't pretty. He does not expect to hear from her again. ( I have heard that one before)..they can't seem to stop texting or talking to each other for more then a few days or week at most. I wrote back saying I loved and cherished him, but it was his actions that is doing this to me...that it kills me not to talk or text you, but that it hurts too much thinking that door will continually be opened over and over again. I said I know what it is she is trying to do and what it is she wants, but I also know how it makes me feel when they are in contact. I told him I can try and explain, reason whatever, but that it doesn't make a bit of differnce. So what do I do? I thought about going to see him, but I know he won't talk...not about us ( as to him there is no threat because he isn't leaving me and our family), not about what they discussed or not, not to our kids who are hurt, and angry. I got the feeling when he said that the date he was supposed to go to camp was switched from the 7th to the 11th that he would like to see me...but I don't want to cave, give in..whatever. I feel like giving up on this, but do not want to hurt the kids...me...damage things further.
I want to tell him that her continueing to contact him is her way of reigniting what they had, and I have already told him his accepting her texts/calls is killing me inside. I have already told him that she is succeeding in what it is she wants...to destroy his marriage and family. He doesn't seem to believe me when I say her feelings will never stop, that she will say or do anything to keep him in his life..including lie ( saying she would be good with being friends)..no matter the cost to me our our marriage/family. He thinks they can remain friends and not risk it going further. Said to him for someone who is as intelligent as he is, he sure is freaking dumb if he believed that. So what do I do? I want to go see him, but do not want to cave either or give in. I am also afraid that if I do not talk to him it will push him closer to her. Please advise.
If I could talk to my DB coach today I would in a heart beat...but I can't until Monday Morning...so need some help here please. In my mind...no contact means no contact from either one...hs said earlier that he hasn't contacted her, that she contacted him...but he replied. I know that if our marriage is to survive there can be no contact whatsoever...that he should block and delete her...but he doesn't want to do that. She gets angry that he isn't leaving me...threatens him ( not with violence) stops talking for a few days, then makes contact again and it starts all over. So what do I do? Go see him, stay at home...what? I need help now!
I'd advise not contacting him. If he contacts you, tell him what you expect from him: To cut off all contact with OW. He claimed to have chosen you, right? Tell him actions speak louder than words. If he is serious he will cut off all contact, and become transparent with you.
Make it all about the respect you and the marriage deserve, not about the hurt he has caused you. Do this without throwng down an ultimatum.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I just want to clarify something here, my husband works out of town, ( If anyone is from Alberta, they know about camp life and the oilsands), which means he isn't home for extended periods of time. I am alone at home with the kids 90% of the time as well as work, etc. So, technically, he isn't at home. We communicate via texts and phone calls, have been that way for years...other then when he had days off and he would come home. This year with this OW, he spent some of his days off with her...thereby even reducing the time either I or our family spent with him. I haven't told him I am doing dark/dim..whatever it is...I have reduced the texting and calling to him to virtually nil these past few days. I am trying to do things to keep myself occupied, cleaning house, laundry etc.
