Limbo Land

[AnotherStander]

MrBond is right, this is no time for ultimatums. She tells you she's done with you and moving out, and you issue an ultimatum to her that your terms are X, Y and Z, or else. Or else what? She's leaving anyway! So it's one last controlling and manipulative shot as she walks out the door, one last reminder that you cannot and will not change.

In this case, this kind of controlling...you will be faithful and so will I...I see as justified

This isn't how you save an R. You save it by changing yourself, by showing your GF you can be someone only a fool would leave. Not by doing the same exact behavior that landed you in your sitch in the first place.

You may think we're being hard on you, but we are trying so hard to open your eyes to what you should be doing. We're trying to help you.

[jzoom]

Here's where things stand...

She hasn't given the ring back but also hasn't put it on. She hasn't told me if she's moving out or not. I've pulled back and stopped asking questions. Some days she talks to me, tells me about her day and such, and some days we don't talk hardly at all.

So, basically, I have no idea what's going on but everytime I want to ask her how she feels about us and what her plans are I remind myself that asking would be more of the same behavior and that it hasn't been doing me any good.

[jzoom]

Monday finally got my answer, that she didn't want the ring and will move out as soon as she is able to. I started detaching big time, just stopped asking questions and focusing on not caring about what she was up to. Communication was limited to bill/house kind of stuff...until today.

Mutual friend told me that Monday night talked with ex-gf and ex-gf said she was hurt that she thought I was already ready to date after giving her the ring and begging her to stay. Ex-gf admitted to staying with Steve some nights and spending time with him but that he flip-flops on whether or not he wants to be with her but she told mutual friend she won't get into a R with him or move in with him.

This morning ex-gf asks what groceries I need. Later in day she tries calling me at work but I'm busy. After awhile she texts and asks if I can talk. I call and she just wants to tell me a bit about what groceries she got and that her and the kids would be sleeping at house tonight (which they haven't been doing much lately) and I'm just very detached, whatever, doesn't matter where you stay.

I'm at home after work and she comes to house alone. She asks if I'm still going to do laundry or if she should take it to her dads. I tell her to take it to her dads and she says I should get my own groceries then. We get into it a bit about the groceries and laundry and all sorts of back and forth about when we were together and not. How I expect things and she asks. Out of nowhere she says she likes the new girl and I'm confused...she checked my FB and a new person I had added liked my new profile pic. She was being rather sarcastic/snarky/almost upset sounding about it.

She heads upstairs to get clothes. I go up and ask if she thinks I don't still want to be with her. Her response is, "I'm not the one being a d*ck" and when I say I'm not "talking" to anybody new she says she doesn't care, she thinks it's hilarious if I am and that she told mutual friend the same thing. She asks if she's supposed to come running back to me if I am "talking" to somebody? Or even if I'm not?

I just tell her that she's the one always talking about how she wants somebody who wants her no matter what. That we both hurt each other but I still want her. She tells me that I just don't change and she's hung around long enough. She asks if she's supposed to try again so that I can change for two months and then go back the same old thing. I just don't say anything really to that.

We go downstairs and I say that part of the problem is that I was getting all paranoid about her and getting controlling but she really was doing stuff behind my back. She says that she did it a long time ago, not recently, and never had sex with anybody, that I made that assumption.

So she's getting ready to leave and tells me that they'll get moved out as soon as possible so I stop thinking she's just using me.

I stayed cool and calm, no yelling or anything, through all of this and just told her that's fine. She said the kids didn't want to stay here tonight and I said whatever, I didn't even expect them to and was surprised when she said anything to me about it earlier in the day.

So then I text her something I forgot about bills. Then I'm texting with mutual friend about what happened when she was at the house. Friend is confused b/c of what ex-gf said to her Monday night. Probably a screw up here but I kinda figured I can't make things much worse than they already are...

I send ex-gf a long text basically saying that I still WANT to be with her but I don't NEED to be with her and that if she wants to move on fine.

Two seconds after sending the text her reply is "Stop texting me"

So I stopped and I told mutual friend what happened and she said she's confused about this. Haven't heard back from mutual friend and said that I'm going to just keep detaching and taking care of myself but if she talks to ex-gf to let me know b/c the info could be valuable as long as I don't go back to chasing.

I figure at this point I just need to take care of myself, get my finances in order, detach, and be at peace with her leaving. If ex-gf changes her mind she's going to have to get my attention and show me why I shouldn't want her to leave anymore...at least that's the attitude I have to work on having.

[jzoom]

Ok, I keep thinking about DB for my own good and if it causes ex-gf to be drawn back to me and we can have a good, post DB style R great.

To detach I'm not asking her what she's up to, where she's staying, no questions or interrogations. I'm trying to show her what it means not to have me in her life: no financial help, no laundry, no help with the kids. I feel this guilt though about not doing the laundry or helping with the kids...well more just the baby...b/c she did get me groceries and is going to pay me back some money.

She kind of put the guilt trip on me last night, saying I was acting like a d*ck and that if I really want to be with her I'd show her with my actions. It seems all she wants though is for me to do chores while she cake eats. There's parts of DB that say to be the kind friend and be helpful, just don't have expectations. MMSL says something similar, that an alpha does stuff for somebody b/c they WANT to. A beta does stuff for a covert contract, b/c they expect something in return.

So my delimma is that I FEEL like a beta if I start doing the laundry and such. At the same time, I feel like if I want to show her with actions, to be her friend, I'll do it b/c her and the kids need it...b/c if I truly care about them I'll help take care of them without expectations...be an alpha and be DBing the right way.

I really am at peace with her leaving. I'm not angry or depressed. I want to be a better person, to take care of myself, and to DB her and see what happens. Thoughts please?

[AnotherStander]

I started detaching big time

Did you? Let's have a look:

Mutual friend told me that Monday night talked with ex-gf and ex-gf said she was hurt that she thought I was already ready to date after giving her the ring and begging her to stay.

Snooping on XGF using mutual friend = not detaching

After awhile she texts and asks if I can talk. I call and she just wants...

Responding right away to calls and texts = not detaching

We get into it a bit about the groceries and laundry and all sorts of back and forth about when we were together and not.

Arguing = not detaching

She heads upstairs to get clothes. I go up and ask if she thinks I don't still want to be with her.

Following her around the house = not detaching

I just tell her that she's the one always talking about how she wants somebody who wants her no matter what. That we both hurt each other but I still want her.

Pursuing and trying to make up = not detaching

Then I'm texting with mutual friend about what happened when she was at the house.

Analyzing every little thing XGF does = not detaching

I send ex-gf a long text basically saying that I still WANT to be with her but I don't NEED to be with her and that if she wants to move on fine.

Pandering = not detaching

Two seconds after sending the text her reply is "Stop texting me"

Of course she did, she's sick and tired of you smothering her. You have yet to even begin to detach. You have yet to begin to give her time and space, so she's going to take it anyway.

I figure at this point I just need to take care of myself, get my finances in order, detach, and be at peace with her leaving.

This is where we told you to be months ago. At that point it may have brought her back. Now I'm doubtful it will, but you still need to do it for yourself.

[MrBond]

"saying I was acting like a d*ck and that if I really want to be with her I'd show her with my actions."

The next time she says something like this, hold up your hand to stop her. Tell her that she has made it clear that she was leaving and in fact she was even seeing another man. That you are not interested in sharing her with another man and that you've proven that you're a great guy and doesn't have to prove anything to her especially since she said she's going. Then walk away.

Start standing up for yourself.

When was she leaving? When it comes to the kids, help them out when they need it. But do it for the kids and not for her.

[jzoom]

Yup, I did good after talking to her on Monday, for a couple of days, then talked to mutual friend and fell back into more of the same behavior like usual. Me being on her about getting me paid back b/c I have my own bills to pay and me not doing to laundry is me standing up for myself. It's a bit of a start at least.

[MrBond]

Is she still talking about leaving?

[jzoom]

Hasn't come up since last night.

[jzoom]

But then again, she really hasn't been staying here anyway.