Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

Today, I feel like I could use some help staying positive. Yesterday was a really down day for me, the first I've had in a while. I don't know whether it was the moon, or what, or me just coming to grips with the reality of my sitch.

Most of me feels like it's time to let go and move on. I feel trapped here in our current sitch without my own space. H is filling up the refrigerator with his bachelor food and it bugs me. He is becoming like the most annoying roommate in the world, eating dinner on what used to be our bed. I haven't said anything about it, but it's hard not to be annoyed. I just want him gone.

Then I start thinking about why he keeps hanging around. A little part of me says that he thinks that there's still a shot at repairing the R, but since every time we went to MC he would make the situation seem worse, I can't really bank on that. He has been taking more responsibility around the house lately, which is good, but I'm certainly not reading into that for more than what it is.

I get that we've reached the point, and DB would support this, where it's time for LRT and "moving forward" so to speak. I took my wedding ring off, I want freedom. So why do I feel so guilty about it?

I spent some time reading other sitches about seriously cheating wives and it makes me a little angry - like I've been raked over the coals for practically nothing (in comparison). I know I can't dictate what's important to my H or how he should react or feel, but it makes me think that there were some other factors in play. The way my H reacted to all of this makes me think very seriously that he's not the man I want to be married to. Most of what he does makes me think that. So many of you here say how much in love you are with your WAS, how you'd do anything to get them back. I don't think that and I'm not saying that now. I felt it at first but I can see now that it was mostly driven by fear.

I also read Bustorama's recent post saying that a good many of the sitch's here that have ended in R have benefited from time apart, where the LBS went dark. It was helpful. My friends in real life have been supportive of the move towards S. I guess I just feel cheated in some way. I screwed up, that is for sure, and I have tried my best to make amends and repair the damage. But H won't accept that and it is going to be a long road ahead to come to grips with the fact that he is unwilling to even try to forgive.

I tend to take that personally and I have to remind myself constantly that it's a defect within him; instead of begging for his forgiveness, I want to be stronger and tell myself, "If he won't or can't forgive you, it's on him. You've done as much as you can to try to make it right." In a way I feel like this is a continuation of the control game that he tries to play... withholding as punishment. At first it was emotional availability, then approval, now all of that + forgiveness. Please support me, I see so clearly that I need to get away from this toxic dynamic.