I can not compare to snodderly's advice at all, but still would like to share some of my experience.
My H and I started counseling right after the BD in 10-11 b/c he agreed to it. During all of that, many of his childhood hurts surfaced. We made a tiny bit of progress, but still struggled. In March 2012, he said he was done with counseling and didn't want to be married anymore. I was devastated and couldn't understand any of this. He started saying all these things about how our marriage has been horrible the whole time and he's never made his own decisions, blah blah - typical MLC stuff. He was so ANGRY all the time!
Fast forward to now....H is still at home and I only discovered DB the end of November. Prior to my 180, all talks of relationship ended with him saying the same thing - "We will never reconcile". He talked a lot about not knowing what he wanted, yet I kept pushing b/c I didn't understand any of this insanity. He said I was pressuring him and I was b/c I didn't know about DB yet. Once I learned about DB and started my 180, H noticed quickly. I've also realized that each time he felt pressure from me about making a decision, he would tell me "Never again" to hurt me but also to make me BACK OFF! It was/is his way of keeping space. Now that I realize this, I don't believe him anymore and am working diligently on detaching and loving from a distance. He is much more relaxed right now b/c I made it clear I didn't want to have any "relationship" conversations.
It appears that things are still fresh in your situation. It took me a year to even discover DB and the pain kept me buried for that long. I lost the last year or so as did my kids with me while I was in a fog of grief. I decided, right after Thanksgiving, that I didn't have to live like that anymore. DB gave me "permission" to fake being happy until I can get the feelings to follow. I also have a very strong faith and was able to finally release my H to God. I know now, after hanging on for dear life, that healing (for H and myself) can only come when I LET GO. So extremely painful, but also freeing.
Take each day and breathe....peace will come.
H42 M42 S11, D8, D6 M 18 T 25 BD 10-11 H 2nd MLC in progress (1st interrupted) H Still home but doesn't want to be
