she's a wonderful person but...

[banjopicker]

I've lost a parent, and my h has lost one, too. So I've been on both sides of the tragedy. Let me share some observations.

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me understand a bit more of what W must be going through (since she's not talking to me about it - and that's okay! ). It also illustrates how difficult it can be supporting your spouse through a prolonged crisis.

I'd never heard of this Retrouvaille thing you mentioned. I've looked it up now, and maybe that'd be something to suggest down the road. W is Catholic, not me. Reading some of these relationship books, I was thinking I'd look up some marriage retreats as a way to kickstart our relationship reboot whenever she's ready to do that. But I was a little concerned that many of these authors, if they have a religious bent, are from the evangelical Protestant side of the Christian spectrum. W might be more open to a Catholic version. Anyway, I'm glad you mentioned it. And that you went in the middle of your crises.

Unfortunately, Retrouvaille doesn't seem to be operating in our city, even though the Diocese has it on their website. Maybe it's just not scheduled yet.

SO....my suggestions...simple compliments.

Let them take the lead on intimacy.

I think I've finally settled on backing off. I find myself thinking, surprisingly, that I'm okay with no sex for months if that's what she needs. Not sure how many. I'm telling myself over and over that it's not rejection, it's grieving space. Same goes with non-sexual touching as well. I'll try sticking to the parting/greeting kiss as my lifeline. I'll try to keep up the simple compliments, the little gifts, and the increased chores since that shouldn't lead to any breaks in that wall she's trying to maintain. Yet I hope it's still noticed and seen as acts of love and support.

It's only a short-term plan. It can't go on indefinitely. And it can't simply return to our pattern of recent years. I just hope she's willing to tackle it, too.

stepping up to the plate AND doing it with love, not a martyr's sigh

Yeah, I think I've had a few of those martyr sighs, and worse. Got to keep them in check. I'm starting to remember some from long ago that probably helped establish our pattern. Doing some dishes yesterday, I had a flash of scrubbing the sinks and counters with bleach in a rage once, prompted by some complaint or request from W about helping out more. Yeah, that probably didn't come across as an expression of love.