Tori and Busting...thank you for being here for me.
Mini update - Yesdterday W finally came home from work. Asked me what my plans were for the w/e. I told her since it was her "w/e out" that my plans were to hang with the kids. She was stunned and silent a bit. I asked if I could run to the store for a few things before she left, she said okay, but wanted to "chat" when I got back. I said ok.
So I get back and am planning for the worst. The convo starts off with so "How are we going to do this?" I respond with, "I'm not sure, if it weren't for money and the house, everything would be easier. What are your thoughts?"
She proceeds to tell me that she has met with a financial planner. Based on our incomes we should be doing a whole better as a double income, and she knows what she has "down to the penny" as a single income. My internal thought is, why in the hell didn't we ever do this to better our financial sich in the first place (years, months ago). My actual respoonse, was a general "I know we should have been doing so much better and that's why I struggled budgeting, asked for her help, ended up being controlling in some aspects. W then shares that her wedding rings are hers b/c they're marital property. She is aware that my stocks and a separate money account are mine since I had them before the marriage.
Ironically that's about when my dad calls to try and offer advice about the new account I set up. W only overhead that "accts" and she automatically became mad because she thinks they are funneling me money and that I use money to get what I want legally. I reiterated to her that I do not want to play dirty and get nasty, nor do I want any of our family members to be means towards others. We will always be the kids parents, and family and we will always be tied together so we have to make it work. She then added that despite my outburst, most of her family still holds me in high regard, "and that Pisses me Off," she said.
She then goes into everyone thinking it's all her fault that we are the way we are. That she's mad that I have not owned up to my share. That is when I tell her the truth, that during these past several months, that I have shared my share of the downfall in the R with my parents, and my best friend. She was again silent and stunned.
W adds that she doesn't want to be with anyone simply for money, that she hates that fact that I have helped her be able to enjoy a much better life than she is accustomed to, and after the D she will walk away with nothing. Whereas I will be entitled to a certain amount of the proceeds from the sale of the house because I sold some stock to build the house we have. Not me being nasty, truthful L advice; and the fact that my family is able to help me financially also upsets her b/c hers do not.
W continues to say that she saw so much potential in us if only I had addressed my depression years ago. I validate and say the same for her. That is why I had attempted to stay and fight for the M.
We get back on track to the "how are we going to do this" scenario, in regards to the kids. She suggests kids always stay at the house til we can sell the house and actually go our separate ways. Her dream is to be able to be alone with the kids in her own place. I actually share the same dream at this point, I said house. (Money issue that made her mad because I'll be able to get one sooner than her most likely in the long run). So she says, I leave for 3 days. Then she does. I stay wherever (my parents) and she stays at a coworkers of hers). I tell her that sounds better than the original idea, but I want time to think about it as that is simply a temporary solution that will burden others. She agrees with the burden on others, but still wants me out b/c she's still afraid of me. Keep in the mind, this convo is occurring in our bathroom, door shut, and us sitting about 1-2 feet away from one another.
We sort of end the convo at that, with the added on request that she can come back and get the kids this afternoon to take them out to a fun place with thet SILs and their children. I easily agree, as SIL1 is from Ca. and will be leaving middle of next week. W says that they wanted to hang out here, but that the SILs are also a little fearful of me and don't want me to ruin their time. I nicely ask, how come neither of them have said anything to me. SIL1 is a nice and direct person who knows she can tell me the truth (good or bad), yet has denied any major ill will feelings towards me when I apologized to her. So, W was silent again, when I asked "How come she didn't tell me to my face?" She and I each know SIL1 would say that.
So that was overall the convo.... We each cried briefly throughout (mainly the ownership of our ind problems that contributed to the death of our M). I left it feeling okay, but a little confused. Do you all notice some of the mixed signals or was it just my foolish hopeful ears listening?
The kids and I spent the night together, I grilled out (yes it's' winter but I grilled out), and watched movies. It was nice. At one point, I went outside to have a cigarette, and this thought came to me. I tried my hardest to fix, repair, renew to the best of my ability..to the brink insanity (insert meltdown on NYE), and I have to let it go as it evidently is no longer fixable, no longer worth my time and energy." I felt better, almost at peace. Sad, but a different sadness.
This morning, I still have sadness about the sich for being what it is, D and loss of family.
