I posted in newcomers but I'll do the full disclosure thing as it pertains to this board more... married for 21.5 years. Two daughters ages 17 & 15. I'm 40, husband is 43.
We had a great marriage for a lot of years. And I thought we weathered the bad years and were strong and committed. Silly me. Husband left in July 2012 and I found out about OW Oct 2012. Affair started I'm pretty sure in June 2012, EA probably since spring 2012. He's living with a friend about 45 min away, I'm pretty sure the relationship with OW continues but I don't talk to him anymore so I wouldn't know either way.
We liked to vacation a couple times a year and had THE BEST romantic trip in August 2011. Fully fell in love all over again. When he left, actually, he said the last time he felt close to me was on that trip. And I said, it wasn't even a year ago! Anyways, life with our daughters fully took over and I was way too co-dependent and wrapped up in their lives. We weren't happy. As my therapist says, "he checked out a long time ago" and I see that that is true. He stopped feeding the marriage and I reacted in anger. He retreated from our family and worked all the time. Literally, he had a few months where he was only home for a few days the entire month. I begged him to not work so much but also admired what I THOUGHT was his commitment to our family and future financial goals. Our daughter is going to college next year.
Anyways - here's where I'd really like to get an opinion on - and what I haven't discussed with ANYONE except my therapist... we were in a similar situation 12 years ago, at that time he had 2 jobs and I worked full time and our kids were little and we fell away from each other. He had an EA with a girl from work. I found out early and was desperate. I realize now, after being married to this man all these years, that he needs more stroking and was feeling neglected. Probably this time around too. He was always so confident and didn't portray any weaknesses. He also DOES NOT communicate, so I'd never know if he was feeling vulnerable. And I was 100% sidetracked with having to be a single parent because he was always gone. SO, 12 years ago I was young and when I found out he was calling and meeting another girl I did a desperate act and took too many anti-depressants. It was exactly 16 pills, I remember very clearly (not exactly life threatening). I wanted him back, and it worked. We changed our lives, I quit working and he quit his second job. We spent time with our young girls instead of having a babysitter at the house all of the time. We spent time together and we truly became better team parents. It wasn't always my way anymore, and we relied on each other.
So life proceeds and we get back into the same patterns as before 12 years later. I didn't see it coming, but was seriously unhappy. But I thought we were still waiting for the next opportunity to reconnect. We were never a couple who yelled and had crazy fights, but the resentment grew. I resented him working so much. And I was terribly lonely. But I didn't think a thing about my taking too many pills until Oct 2012 when he brought it up again.
He had left the house in July and it was such a shock! I asked him in Sept if he would go to therapy with me and he agreed. But it was obvious after the first appointment that he was just going through the motions. And he had OW which I found out about that same week. But he said that he didn't know why he left, he didn't know what he wanted, but he thinks about the night I took too many pills and he can't forgive it. He says he felt back then that I was giving up on him, on our daughters, and that he slowly stopped loving me.
When I'm feeling at my worst, I feel so responsible and I believe him. But the reality of the past 12 years is that we were happy. Is that just my interpretation? My kids think we were happy, I have albums and albums of happy pictures. He made me the most loving video with pictures and songs just last year for Valentine's day, saying how much he loved me and our family. I felt appreciated, until the last 18 months. We were a team. We were strong co parents. We were best friends, we enjoyed laughing and hanging out. But something changed in late 2010 and he started drinking too much, when he wasn't working. I started taking care of myself and lost 60 lbs and went to the gym every day. I started being disgusted by him because he would work or drink but was not into our marriage anymore.
But I get 100% stuck at - is he going through MLC? Or do I believe him that he can't forgive my actions from 12 years ago and let him go?
Sorry this is a rambling mess. I'm working so hard to GAL, I've read the DB books, thought I was going in the right direction - but if there's nothing to work for I need to figure that out. Let me just add that, for anyone that knew my husband, he is the LAST man you'd ever think would abandon his family. He has always been the definition of integrity and honor. He had everyone's respect and it is so far out of character. Funny, I've always said that without thinking or remembering the REASON why we were where we were 12 years ago, because he emotionally left our marriage then, too.
