A newcomer's story

[justjudy]

I am feeling very topsy-turvey today. I don't know if I am sad or lonely or a little depressed. Come to think of it perhaps its PMT. Coz even with everything else thats going on normal cycles continue. PMT used to always make me feel irritable and harassed but these days it does tend to make me feel melancholy.

I should be happy, I have parked myself beside the pool for the afternoon complete with ipad, novel, soft drink, blue sky, sunshine. On the deck I oiled myself and the pool I sorted out myself for the first time this summer. So llife is good and I am coping and managing pretty well mostly.

But my girls are at their dads for the weekend which makes the house quiet and the days long. I try to get busy and GAL which certainly does help a lot.

I've been sitting here reading through other threads and it is making me tired. Tired of trying, Tired of waiting. Tired of nothing changing. H is still superficially pleasant saving his coldness for email, like an email discussion last night over finances. I tell myself that for me finances are about 'business' so maybe he just has his business head on for those discussions. But one of my 180s is to be softer, react softly and so the tone of my emails is gently, gently - perhaps that emphasises the coldness of his.

I have been re-reading DR, last night I read LRT and the chapter on MLC. I think I am doing OK with LRT but I am getting tired emotionally from absolutely no changes in H. I felt better reading on about MLC because the message there is that what is needed is patience and time, both in bucketloads. I am early days really - BD 12 months ago, about 2.5 years in, still in Replay. Long time to go yet, so I guess I just carry on.

I suppose we all reach a stage where we wonder if it is worth continuing. How long do you wait? MLC timelines are long, no question and it gets very disheartening watching life pass by. Yesterday I caught up with an interstate cousin home for the holidays. We grew up together, married within months of each other, had our first child almost at the same time. It was surreal to look at her life, still on track, happy little family unit - and then consider my train wreck...

My girls bring home tidbits of info about H - I try not to take too much notice but I can't help thinking he doesn't seem happy. H is still adamant and resolutely convinced this is the path we will take, talks child support and financial settlement and moving on...yet he doesnt sound happy in his new life. The girls say he is so quickly and easily frustrated by everything and anything that you might as well say he is always frustrated. That doesn't sound like a man happy with his life choices.

I just wish he would realise he needs to look inside himself, that running away was not the answer. He needs to acknowledge his issues and return home to his loving wife and family where he would receive the space and support to work his stuff out.

I admit I would handle things differently now than I did 12 months ago and he probably doesn't know how much I have learnt and grown myself over that time to know that it would be different. To be honest, perhaps I really needed this separation time to do that work on myself and learn about not just MLC but our relationship and my role in its dynamics and how I could do things differently. But maybe there is more work to do yet though.

I guess like all LBS I just worry that he will get stuck and never return, or "wake up but not own up" (I read that on a old post and it struck a chord). So easy for pride to get in the way I think and thats a worry.

I waver between thinking it over, all done, he's finished, "we are never ever getting back together" (Taylor Swift's song in my head lots lately) OR just having a feeling that we will get through this given enough time, patience, commitment, forgiveness, unconditional love, grace, PMA and plain hard work.