Typical LBH, trying to DB

[sdo215]

Hello all, and thanks in advance to those that read my story. 

I am H33, have W35. M for six years, T for 8. From what I've seen here it's a pretty typical story: several years and two kids into our M, I start to pull away emotionally because of the stress in our lives. I try to be super husband and super dad, doing everything and trying to be as strong and in control as possible. W drops numerous hints about how she is concerned about me and our R, how she feels IC would help me, especially with accepting the the reality of having a special needs child (bipolar disorder) and a W that has bipolar disorder and several hospitalizations due to psychiatric crises. That she needs emotional support and wants to support me also. In my misguided attempt to handle those things alone I end up as more of a caretaker/parent for my W than a partner and H. I was (am?) likely also mildly depressed and pushed her away even more by refusing to accept her offers for help and support. I refused to see how I wasn't allowing her to be my partner or acknowledging her strength and abilities. 

So, in Sept 2012 she finally gets my undivided attention by saying that we need MC or she doesn't think she'll be able to stay in our M. She also says that she needs space to live her own truth, explore her feelings, and be around people that accept her for who she is. She has already found those people and is spending time physically with them when she can (they live two hours away in another state) and also using FaceTime with her iPad. She said that there might be a chance to reconcile, but was unsure. During this time I am doing all the wrong things. I pursued her, was whiny, needy, tried to remind her of the good times in the past, etc. pretty much the entire list of what DR says not to do.

In Oct 2012 she BDs and says that she wants to be separated. We can live in the same house because of our financial situation but can't sleep in the same bed or be intimate. I get the ILYBINILWY speech, as well as what an amazing person she thinks I am and how some other woman will be so lucky to have me someday. That destiny brought us together because i was meant to be the father of our kids and what an amazing dad i am. That I'm her best friend and we will always be friends because of our deep personal connection and the relationship we need to maintain for our kids, S6 and S3.

In Nov 2012 after seeing many clues, I confirm for myself that OM exists, and has existed since before BD. It is EA and likely PA. OM is her best friend's brother and is part of the biased shoulder group that she has chosen for her support. I have not directly confronted her about OM as I believe she would deny that R, be angry, and get in deeper with OM.

So, in Dec 2012 I discover DR and this forum. I've read DR once and have begun to implement some of the techniques. I've been doing what I can to GAL and 180. She took kids to visit OM and his family on the 28th, and go to  New Years Eve party, and will return on the 2nd. I began an exercise program and the last few days I have spent time with friends that I neglected for far too long. Its felt great to have fun and meet new people. I've spent time on these forums reading and trying to get some insight. I plan to locate a problem solving IC to open another avenue to improve myself. I need to spend more time honing in on goals for what I need to change in myself. I need to figure out what are my boundaries and implement them. I have to improve my 180s. I have to continue to tell myself that I cannot change W's choices or make them for her; I can only make choices for myself and become the person I can be for myself and my sons. 

I'm still very new to DBing, GALing, and the 180 so I appreciate any support and ideas that the community can brainstorm. Like most LBHs it seems that it took a stick of dynamite to get me to open my eyes, ears, and mind. Now that I'm here I need to recognize what I'm doing right and wrong and direct discussion of that is going to best serve my needs. So don't hold back, I need to use the time my W has given me as effectively as I can. 

Thanks to all that read this long first post. Hopefully I can get in some shorter ones soon. Any replies are appreciated. Good luck to everyone in the their own sitch's.

[sdo215]

So today is a rough day for me. W and I have a MC session on Friday and I'm going back and forth on whether to let her know that I'm aware of OM and her affair.
Pros - Its out in the open and she can't pretend that the R doesn't exist.
- it would let me take a stand for myself and show her that I want to be respected.
- it would allow me to establish boundaries: that I won't listen to her talk about OM, that I do not want the marital money to finance her trips to see OM

Cons. - it might push her even further to OM and away from any feelings she still has for me
- it might take away the time I have right now to show her my GAL & 180s
- she might continue to deny OM

I know she's in the new relationship fog with OM right now and that's going to color everything she's thinking and feeling. Telling her I know would certainly be a shock and it would change our dynamic. Is that change something I should make happen or can I live with knowing and being patient?

I haven't been doing the LRT yet; I've just started GAL and 180. Maybe I need to LRT regardless of how I choose to handle her R with OM. I think I'm also confused right now because she asked that I come sit next to her and she laid her head on my lap...and physical affection is my primary LL.

Ultimately it comes down to doing what is going to make me a better person. I guess I have to do some soul searching to figure just what that is.

[AnotherStander]

I start to pull away emotionally because of the stress in our lives. I try to be super husband and super dad, doing everything and trying to be as strong and in control as possible. W drops numerous hints about how she is concerned about me and our R, how she feels IC would help me

Good grief, that sounds straight out of my own sitch! Little did I know that my attempts to be super husband and super dad in control of everything was being perceived by my family as undesirable controlling behavior! Sounds like it may be the same for you.

She has already found those people and is spending time physically with them when she can

Pretty typical for a WAS to find one or more "enablers" to tell them what they want to hear.

During this time I am doing all the wrong things. I pursued her, was whiny, needy, tried to remind her of the good times in the past, etc. pretty much the entire list of what DR says not to do.

We all did it to start with. But you've stopped that, right?

I get the ILYBINILWY speech, as well as what an amazing person she thinks I am and how some other woman will be so lucky to have me someday. That destiny brought us together because i was meant to be the father of our kids and what an amazing dad i am. That I'm her best friend and we will always be friends because of our deep personal connection and the relationship we need to maintain for our kids, S6 and S3.

I got a similar script as well. It made it that much more difficult, because if I'm such a great person and dad, then why does she want to leave? I'm sure you're wondering that too. Don't ask, because all you'll hear is "I don't know" or "I've been unhappy a long time" or something equally vague.

I've been doing what I can to GAL and 180.

Good. Stick with it. It'll take months before your 180's start to turn your W around.

I began an exercise program and the last few days I have spent time with friends that I neglected for far too long. Its felt great to have fun and meet new people. I've spent time on these forums reading and trying to get some insight. I plan to locate a problem solving IC to open another avenue to improve myself. I need to spend more time honing in on goals for what I need to change in myself.

All great things. Stick with it!

I have to improve my 180s. I have to continue to tell myself that I cannot change W's choices or make them for her; I can only make choices for myself and become the person I can be for myself and my sons. 

Yes. And give your W time and space.

So today is a rough day for me. W and I have a MC session on Friday and I'm going back and forth on whether to let her know that I'm aware of OM and her affair.

Your MC will probably ask some questions about this. Hopefully your W will be honest. I wouldn't pressure W about it before then.

I haven't been doing the LRT yet; I've just started GAL and 180. Maybe I need to LRT regardless of how I choose to handle her R with OM.

LRT is the Last Resort Technique. It's called LAST resort because that's what it is. Give the other DB techniques a chance to work first. If you were emotionally distant in the M then the LRT can be damaging anyway because your W will perceive it as "more of the same" behavior.

I think I'm also confused right now because she asked that I come sit next to her and she laid her head on my lap...and physical affection is my primary LL.

It's a baby step, just celebrate it internally and don't react to it.

[Spartan]

AS hit everything perfectly.

The last part about just celebrating it internally and not reacting should be reinforced. Try your best not to think too much about it. Just enjoy the moment and don't let it raise any expectations. I've realized in my own sitch that the WAS is like a roller coaster and at least mine knows anytime I start getting hope (or raised expectations) and quickly squashes them and it hurts more each time. I still haven't learned this lesson but hopefully I can teach it to you .

[SM34]

You should click my name and then go to posts. I have a very similar situation and have come a long way. My W was honest enough to tell me about EA before it turned physical. You could learn A LOT reading ALL of my two threads because I have some real veterans who have done thus successfully helping me. I will also post some tips and things to understand later tonight for you.

[SM34]

Also post more often, more background as to why you believe your wife is not happy in your M, what she might be seeking from OM

[sdo215]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I appreciate the dedication of time and brainpower it took because I haven't had much of that the last four days. I've been at work (I work at night) and the W and kids have been sick. I promise that I'll return soon to answer more questions and give more detail, but I wanted to share a major development: my W said she still loves me and wants to be married. That she wants to stay and work on our R. That she believes we can grow and fix our problems. This happened two days ago when I posted about having a rough time. Needless to say, a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

Then today in MC, she said that she wanted me back in our bedroom, no intimacy yet, but sleeping in the same bed. She said that she was being unfair to herself by trying to cut off our R. That she's seen he changes I've been making and is feeling happy about that. I literally opened Divorce Remedy on 12/26 and started DBing the next day...maybe there was some ground work laid in the last six months and DR helped with more changes I needed to make. I'm happy that I'm feeling better about myself and I guess that makes a difference to her also.

So I've been feeling great about this and I can't wait to keep working, especially with her wanting to work as well. I'm also trying to keep some detachment around her because I don't want to look like I'm backsliding. I did not bring up OM because I want to move forward and if I dwell on him I will backslide. He's not important to what I want to do now, and I can be ok with not knowing the gory details of her EA. I can forgive her because it will allow me to accept with an open heart the time and effort she says she will put into our R.

I think that this weekend it will be important for me to review my goals and make new ones as needed. I'm excited and I'll keep reminding myself that small changes and improvements are the path to success.

Thanks!

[AnotherStander]

I'm also trying to keep some detachment around her because I don't want to look like I'm backsliding. I did not bring up OM because I want to move forward and if I dwell on him I will backslide. He's not important to what I want to do now, and I can be ok with not knowing the gory details of her EA. I can forgive her because it will allow me to accept with an open heart the time and effort she says she will put into our R.

That's great, you're going into this with the right attitude. Don't pursue her, move slowly, let things develop. You don't need to know particulars about the EA, but it is something you probably want to discuss in MC to work out boundaries (you want to make sure she doesn't contact him again) and transparency (she should be willing to give you her email and phone passwords and let you review to make sure she's no longer in contact). Congrats on the positive developments!!