trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[notsurewhat2do]

I wish I had really really good advice for you, but I don't. I can tell you this though ... when H and I seperated before, as soon as I started to "move" on and become more independent and attractive and yes, had found someone to spend time with and generally became an fun person to be with, H decided it was time to come home. That DD and I was were he wanted to be. What did I do? I stopped calling him, nagging him, promising him, crying over him, I got a life. I don't think the 180 pertains necessarily to what were doing wrong while married, but what you did once the WAS decided to leave or talks about leaving. I think you have to work on what went wrong in the marriage within yourself, but the first thing is to make the WAS see you are different. Think about it, who is attractive to you ... a clingy, whinny man or a strong man who can laugh and have fun? Its the same for both men and women. We don't want that naggy, nerdy, whinny person ... I'm looking for someone that is strong, fun, personabable (for me a job is a plus)man that can make me happy. I say, do the 180 from what you have been doing in the past 4 months. No more letters, no more phone calls, let H come see DD and maybe use the time to go work out, or grocery shop or clothes shop. Be fixed up when he comes, put on make-up, jeans, nice top. When he comes just say ... hey H, I need to run to the mall, do you mind? How long will you be here? Call me if there is any problems. It shows you trust him with DD and it gives him time to spend with her without thinking you are spying or going to jump him any minute.

I do believe you can set some boundries. I haven't yet, but my sitution is a little different (see below). Ask H to let you know when he is coming to see DD OR better yet, go ahead and set that "visitation schedule". Just tell him you think it will be better on DD if she has a schedule. Pick one night a week and either a certain time every weekend or every other weekend. 5 year olds like schedules and it gives her something to look forward to. If he wants to come twice a week, let him... if it is scheduled. If he starts to blow her off, not show up, call him on it. Don't be afraid to stand up for your DD, she can't yet.

For me, it's easy, DD is older and uses H to do things she wants to do and I can't because I'm at work, or just won't do. Like Christmas day... she wanted her boyfriend to come hang out Christmas afternoon. She knew I wouldn't go get him, so she asked her Dad. And he did. He was at our house Christmas morning till 10:15 and then picked her up at my parents house around 2:00, went and got BF and brought them back to my parents house. I took him home. And yesterday, she got him to get her at the house and bring her to my work so she could go shopping with BF. They communicate every night and I never know it. I try not to ask her too many questions. I want her to feel like she can talk to him without me caring.... cause I don't. I want them to talk, even if it is on text.

My 180's .... I don't initate texting unless absoutely needed, before I made up excuses. I never call, again unless absoutely needed. When H is there, I don't jump up to cater to him, but I do respond to him, talk to him, be nice to him. We actually have a friendly relationship right now. Our only tiff has been child-support (timing of payments). I don't talk relationship and haven't really in a while. I don't talk OW and haven't since Thanksgiving. I asked him to change some flood lights for me, but I'm buying more this weekend and my dad is doing it. I bought gravel for my driveway without consulting him. I remembered to changed the air conditioner vent (although I had to ask where the extras were). I'm buying brakes for my truck and having someone to put them on (which is funny, cause it's HIS uncle), I had a flat tire yesterday morning and I put air in it and had it fixed ... not that he would care or know, but it felt good to handle it myself. (But a lot of his stuff, I handled myself before. I've always been very independent because H didn't do any of that stuff for me. He has bought me one set of tires since we've been married, I've bought my own brake pads, but he's found people to put them on. And he just recently started changing my oil, so I'll have to find someone to do that).

So, my advice to you. WORK ON YOU! I know you said you were ultra reglious, but pray. Let God help you. I promise, I'm not a bible thumper. I was raised in the church and worked for a relgious organization for 20 years .... I can't quote scripture and I've not been totally faithful for the past 20 years, but I do believe now more than ever that God listens and protects us. I feel so much better knowing that every day I turn over my problems to Him and He takes them so I'm not so burdened. I know I'm a far cry from healed .... but I feel so much better than I did even 2 weeks ago. I did have a weepy time New Years Eve and got out all the cards I've kept over the years from H. Our 20 year anniversary card really got me ... he hand wrote ... "I'm looking forward to the next 20 years".... it still makes me cry to know that exactly a year later, that all changed.

I really have to turn off my thought sometimes. The thought of the lies H told, the thoughts of the lies H could still be telling. I'm not responsbile for him. Only he is responsible for himself. I can't change him or his mind. I can only work on myself. Like you, I know H probably felt several things ... lack of affection and attention from me, feeling of failure within himself and lack of communication on both our parts. He probably also felt lack of support, because I didn't totally support his hunting endevor (which I try to be more interested in now ... that's probably the only "relationship" 180 I'm trying) I try NOT to respond to H in anger. Although thats a hard one. (not a relationship 180, because we NEVER fought or rarely did - lack of communication).

Keep your head up. Start journaling. Write to H, but don't give it to him. I have the same journal from 10 years ago, just picked up and start writing again. I haven't written since Christmas, maybe tonight.