You have built up great expectations of him coming back, and the expectations will bite you every time. Follow the 37 rules like they're a religion. They will help you get back out of this funk.
You're not at square one. You've come a long way. If you define success so narrowly that only your cr*ppy H coming home is a success, then you're missing the point. Hang in there, breathe, roll with things.
Make sure your doctor is aware of your depression history and current feelings. Find out what else besides meds can help get you through the next few weeks calm and strong for your baby. I'm a phone call away anytime, I sent my cell # in an email to you. I'm just a stranger but maybe I can be someone for you to talk to when you feel down and people are telling you unhelpful things.
Can you see ANY light, anywhere? Are your D's a blessing to you? Do you feel like getting things to prepare for the baby? Look for light outside of your H because he is not the source of it; he is a black hole of selfishness and irrationality.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Find out if there's a perinatal mood disorders support group in your area. They can be very helpful in getting through this, both is support and information.
Google is your friend.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm so sorry to hear you are having such difficulty the past couple of days.
I understand your confusion about your H rewriting his happinesss history--I too have "proof" that my H appeared happy not all the long ago in the past. But, it doesn't matter what was REAL to them...it doesn't fit their current frame of mind, so they are rewriting history (even recent history) to validate their unhappiness & their actions.
Obviously your H is NOT happy w his life now, OW is not fulfilling all his happiness needs. You can't believe that.
Don't believe what you read about As on the internet...they are not uplifting at all. They do NOT give us HOPE.
I agree w adinva about not measuring your success in DBing by your H's actions. Remember this is YOUR journey. You have AMAZING things to look forward to--closest is the birth of your son! Your D's will be there for you & your son will be the luckiest little boy to have YOU as his mother!
Your love for your H is obvious, but you have to let him go (not give up, but just let go to allow yourself to move forward & enjoy the moments of life as they happen).
I struggle w the wish to just skip this next year & fast forward to 2014, but then I realize I will NEVER have this time back with my children again, so I shouldn't wish it away.
It is difficult--extremely. The hardest thing ever. BUt you will get through this. We all will, and we have to believe we will become better people because of this.
Your H is a different person right now. He may come back, he may not. Be either way you need to live your life for NOW without him.
Here's your challenge- find at least one thing that makes YOU happy every day (not just "my Ds" but something specific). Then build on this. You have a new baby coming...try to find the happiness in this.
(((((HUGS TO YOU, SB)))))
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Happy new year SB. I hope you'll post, if even to vent your feelings.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I read this morning a bunch of articles on affairs on the internet and one I read said that when the affair is a complete romantic affair when the couple falls in love, then usually the M is over. That is what my H is in...a complete lala love land..
I don't get this part, honestly. What kind of woman is ok to be with a man who has abandoned his wife and kids to be with her? IMO he has to hit perfect 10 every day with her for the rest of their lives. Otherwise, she will always say to him "What now, you are going to abandon me as well?".
Originally Posted By: Sweetbriar
to stop obsessing with him and OW
I have been asking myself this question a lot. My wife and OM were making plans to get together. He has a wife and a son in Europe. She has me and a D in the US. What was she thinking? That she will be happy to have kids from a man who abandoned his son and crossed the Atlantic to be with her? Or that he will take them to the US and abandon them here? And she will be OK with this...
Sweet, both your H and OW know very well this is not going anywhere. At best they want to enjoy what they have now by deluding each other they have a future. My W mentioned MLC a few times totally out of the blue while her A lasted. Afterwards, she mumbled a few times about how dumb she acted in the past. She never specified that her "dumb" actions are about the affair. We never discussed her affair.
As long as you want your H back, you should never forget that it is a huge humiliation to admit an enormous error of judgement and monstrous acts as those he has committed. You somehow have to have the strength to show him that you have forgiven him, and you want him back and you want to start over... Otherwise he will always be afraid that you will retaliate.
It is an extremely complicated situation. Don't despair, and don't be negative. After all, you have done fantastically well so far, and I fully believe you will do great from now on as well.
Hey SB, you have moved forward so much. You are only defining you by your H and R because that is the way you feel right now. Add hormones in the mix and it is not easy. You are such a strong woman and there is no way you are back at square one. I think ou will find you move a bit faster out of this train of thought. We all go there, it hit me hard last night and I thought I had come to terms with a lot of things, so you are not the only one. It certainly doesn't put ou at the beginning again and you have to look at the events that led to this. H is away which does not require your adrenaline to be constantly flowing in order to handle next meeting, confrontation or crisis.
Your body is taking a bit of a break after everything....rest up, don't wallow and get out and do something for you.
Thinking of you Sweet! The new year HAS to be better than the last for all of us. I pray this.
How is your pregnancy going? How many weeks are you? I bet the girls are getting excited about their new little brother! They will be a HUGE help to you.
Don't obsess about your H's trip. What will be will be. Enjoy the nothingness for the moment, if you can.
-littleGTO (formerly turtlegirl, as my H was reading all my posts, so I changed my name)
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I havent written in awhile..thanks to those who chimed in to say hello and give encouragement! I was having some really bad, down days last week and was just plain sad:( H was in Mexico living it up with his cousins (in their young 20's) and not even considering and responsibility. In the meantime, I was here, taking down Christmas stuff, planning my baby's room, and taking a 3 hour glucose test (praying for no Gestational diabetes) and taking care of my girls, who were heading back to school. Basically being a mom. I was bitter...I admit it freely.
I still think about how he thinks this is the best scenerio for our family...and I have to stop. I will never heal if I cannot get past this..and I know it. I realize that you guys are right, that Im not back at square one, but I just feel like I take so many steps back sometimes and then get in a rut of feeling so betrayed. I just dont know if the betrayal feeling ever goes away. Do you ever really get over being left for another woman? Not only was I just left, I was literally kicked to the curb while pregnant and left to fend for myself and my girl all alone. H has never once since he walked out of this door asked if he could come back to help me in any way..no yard work..no getting stuff from attic...no help clearing out guest room to make baby's room etc...and I get sad that these things dont cross his mind.
I am 31 weeks pregnant now...big belly, low energy and tons to do before baby arrives. I mean, I still havent even picked a name yet, although I think I have narrowed it down to 4 names! My girls dont like them all and I really wanted them to have a say too..especially in our situation. They are getting excited, as am I, but I cannot stop the train of thoughts that come along with having a new baby with a man who is sleeping with a woman about 2 miles from my home. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for my son too...who will never know the dad that my girls did.
I do believe most days, that my H is too far gone now to even recover our M. He has done some awful things and I think he knows that he has done them. Im not saying he is sorry for them, but he knows he has screwed us and he cannot turn back now. I know him well and when I think of this, I wonder why I even think about R. Its because I love the man he used to be. He should be living this life with me and my girls.
On a brighter note, I took my girls last night to Maryland to see an ice sculpture show and it was fun! It was ABSOLUTLY FREEZING..but fun! We hung out at a fancy hotel for the evening and watched a pretty cool fountain show and ate some apps and stuff. My nephews and sister in law (my side of family) went with us! Today I have successfully cleaned out the rest of the baby's room closet and removed last of the stuff that was in there as guest room and am ready to paint! I bought the paint yesterday and its gonna be a pretty blue! We are doing the Eric Carle theme (Im not into big themes but this is a very simple theme..not too cutesy) Mostly the Hungry Little Caterpillar! Its gonna be super cute! Im trying to prepare without H in mind, but of course this is a big change about to happen and I cannot help to think he should be here painting with us and planning with us. I really dont think he knows what he is missing.
How can any woman be more important to him than the happiness of his kids???
Anyway, Im trying to keep positive! I had a lot of fun last night and also took lots of pictures too! I am really into photography and scrapbooking and its like the last half of my 2012 didnt exist due to lack of pictures. I took a lot yesterday and have been having the kids take belly shots of me too so I can always remember my last pregnancy, even though its been a sad one.
Aventinus mentioned in an earlier post on here that both H and OW know their R isnt going anywhere..but honestly, knowing my H's insecurities and low self esteem, he will cling to her as long as he can and they both claim to be in love. Im sad to say, I dont have much hope for us R. I hate to be negative and hope has gotten be this far, but its been 5 months of him being gone and there has been NO word of R and NONE of him trying to move toward me in any way:(
I trudge through everyday for my girls and my baby boy...knowing that they need me. I pray and try to believe that there will be a light someday...everyone tells me there will be. But, everyone also told me that H and OW would never last and they seem to be fine:(
Have a happy weekend...I know that getting my baby's room done does make me happy and next weekend is a 4 day scrapbooking retreat that Im going to ....so lots of GAL to be done. Honestly, I feel like that is all I do lately..is GAL!!! I may need to slow down:)
SB
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Hi SB. So glad to hear from you. The ice show sounded superfun!
I have wrestled with bitterness too, and you have so much more reason than me to be bitter. But think about this. Look around at the women who are bitter and ask yourself if you want to be that.
If you don't, just don't. It's all in your power. Just don't be that. It's not easy, but picture who you want to be and just shine your light and focus on your good.
Your h is a slimeball now, and everything he is doing reflects on him...not at all on you. You did not deserve this. Let him sink in the slime but don't let it drag you down. Don't be bitter.
Vent when you need to though, because you have to work through your feelings. You can't just erase them, but you must strive to overcome them.
So excited for you to have a baby boy!!!!!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sweet, I would so be there to help clean up the babys room and paint for you. I cried when i read your posts! You are a classy strong women and a wonderful mom. Be strong there is happiness waiting for you! (((())))!
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
